Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!  May 2011 bring you as much joy and happiness as 2010 has brought me...  

Sweet Potato and the Dynamo, Christmas Day 2010

I'll be back to work full-time next week and will be in front of a computer on a regular basis which means more time to post! ;)

Mother's Guilt

I was warned about mother's guilt.  And I have it.  Big time.  Forget the guilt about spending too much time with the fussier twin and not enough with the other - that guilt is small potatoes compared to the other crappola rolling around in my head. 

My guilt stems from jealousy.   

What am I jealous of, you ask?  Big families with lots of baby help?  A little.  Families with a mom AND a dad?  Sure, a little bit.  Just like I am a little jealous of happy couples out there when I couldn't find Mr. Right. It is what it is.  I expected that.

No, the real jealousy - the envy causing most of my guilt - is of mothers who only have one baby!  It's true.  I see moms out shopping or taking a walk with a tiny one about the age of my twins and I am immediately JEALOUS.  Look at her - she's so happy, she's smiling, laughing, she probably has it so easy - she only has ONE newborn.  And she probably has a husband to help her. (I always throw that one in when I'm spewing jealousy.)  Oh and would you look at that - she can fit the car seat on top of the shopping cart.  Hell, she can actually USE a shopping cart.  To put things in.  Like groceries.  Or treasures from Target.  And she only has to worry about getting one baby to sleep at night.  Or down for a nap.  Or fed.  Or bathed.  

Then the guilt hits me.  Hard.  I have been blessed with TWO children when so many cannot have even one.  My boys will always have each other; they have a sibling; they have a brother.  I am lucky. 

I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm having a long day (or a long moment) and I wonder for a split second what it would be like with just one.  Would I still be having that particular moment?  Would it be so much easier?  Would I actually be bored like my mother says? 

After the jealous, guilty, what-if moments pass, I run to my babies and snuggle them up and kiss them all over.  I AM lucky.  And I know it. 

On demand feeding?

So I'm trying something new:  During the day, I feed them every time they're hungry.

What this means is that they eat anywhere from two to three ounces of formula (they decide how much; I make at least 4 oz each) and then they're hungry again about two hours later, sometimes sooner.  I'm thinking the moms out there reading this think I'm crazy.  And I probably am but believe it or not, this has helped calm our daytime routine. They split their time playing with mommy or sleeping between feedings.

I was holding them off for at least three hours but then they would all of a sudden be really hungry and - really hungry at the same time.  When I don't have help, this routine is tough.  Crying, hungry babies while I scramble to have bottles ready and feed them both is not a happy scene.  I end up propping one of them with the bottle and someone has to wait awhile to get burped.  And I've always fed them as much as they will take.  When they eat six ounces at one feeding, I know it will be awhile before they're hungry again.  Unfortunately, they don't take six ounces at once very often whether it's been two hours or four since they ate last. 

Lucky for me the night-time routine is pretty good.  After I get them down (and the Dynamo is often fussy right before bed time - this started before the on demand feeding), they go anywhere from four to six hours before waking up!  And they usually eat between four and six ounces at night.  I'm still up about four times each night because they are on different schedules (up with K, two hours later - up with E, repeat), but it means I get one-on-one time with each baby without the other one interrupting.

And I have fat, happy babies!  They are at least 10 pounds each now (I'll get an official weigh-in at tomorrow's two-month doctor's appointment) and they have chunked right up!  I mean these kids have like five chins!  See for yourself -

The Dynamo

Sweet Potato

I am curious your thoughts on our feeding routine.  It's only temporary.  And if you have some other suggestions, I'm open to them!  Everything is trial and error for me.

Pictures

The twins wanted to say hello to my bloggy friends!

Sweet Potato

The Dynamo

And, as if on cue, after I posted yesterday how I was managing, they both decided to be super fussy!  Today is a better day so far.  :)

Doing It

It's early - Sweet Potato is still asleep in the nursery and the Dynamo is in the kitchen with me in his car seat.  The house is quiet and times like these sometimes bring me back to what it was like before they were here.  I would sit at this kitchen table, my pregnant self (I moved into this house when I was 5 months pregnant), and wonder how life would be when they came.  Now that they're here, the house says "family" with rooms full of baby stuff and everything around me reflecting them.  Whatever I wondered back then is no comparison to how it really is.  And I mean that in a good way.  My heart is full.  All those cliches are true.  There is no greater love.

Fabulous D calls me a calm mother.  I think she's right but the twins have made it pretty easy so far.  They've only in the past week or so started fussing at more than feeding times (and sometimes doing it simultaneously which is a bigger challenge) but so far, I'm managing.  It's when I'm away from them that the anxiety sets in.  I mean sure, I miss them but when I'm in the car or in the shower or some other brief time when we are apart, it's more than missing them - it's oh-my-god-I'm-responsible-for-these-two-little-lives. 

Only recently has it hit me how my life has changed.  I've been so focused on my routine and staying somewhat organized (my method of survival), that I haven't really taken the time to think about what I have accomplished.  Sure, it took two years to get here (a blink of an eye in the IF world), and it wasn't easy, but holy crap, I'm a mother.  And - I'm doing it.  Who would've thought?  I sure had my doubts.  And I know it's early - they're only 7 weeks old - and the other shoe could drop at anytime.  And I could lose my mind.  But right now?  Right now, so far, I'm freakin' doing it.  Without pulling my hair out.  Without large doses of alcohol.  And no one is more surprised than me.

So I have a lot to say (!) but not a lot of time to say it.  I've been solo for over a week - my mom has been staying at her house - and I am surviving.  The twins are thriving (in my expert opinion) and over 7 pounds now.  They are getting more alert every day and have found their arms, legs and lungs! They are eating every three hours like clockwork and take about 30 minutes each to feed, burp, and change, which gives me about two hours between feedings to try to do things around the house (and sleep at night!).  That is if they are not fussing.  Today we broke out the baby carrier for the Dynamo who was just not happy until I put him in it -

He's still in it now which allows me to write this post as well as fold laundry, eat breakfast and use the bathroom! (seriously!)

In other news, battynurse sent me the most adorable baby blankets for the twins!!  They are terrific and the whole family loves them, even kitty -

Thanks battynurse!!!

Thanks for all the support on my last post.  I stopped breastfeeding altogether after I pumped for an hour and a half and produced ONE ounce.  I knew then that I was done.  I did feel a little sad about it but know I am doing what's best for me and my babies.

And just like that it's time for another feeding.  Imagine that! :)

Breastfeeding Rules Broken

So I broke the rules with breastfeeding.  Well first the hospital broke the rules, we tried to get back on track, then I broke the rules.

As I mentioned in the birth story, the twins had to go to the Special Care Nursery for 48 hours after they were born. Not only did I not get to breastfeed them during that time, but they were bottle-fed formula.  Once I was able to breastfeed in the hospital, I asked for a lactation consultant or a nurse to help me with every feeding.  One of the LCs asked me why they were given a bottle and not cup fed in the SCN to which I had no answer for.  Fortunately for me they still did breastfeed and once they made it to the regular nursery, the nurses brought them to my room every three hours for feedings.  They would nurse a little and then had to have a formula supplement in order to put on weight. A few of the nurses had me tandem feeding them and were very excited when it worked but the reality was I was just laying there and the nurses were doing all the work.  Once I was on my own, I could only focus on one baby at a time.

Since we've been home, I tried to nurse every three hours but still had to supplement every feeding per the pediatrician.  I was never sure how much they were getting and they always fell asleep at the breast.  I tried the tricks they showed me in the hospital to wake them up but once they were woke back up, they had trouble latching back on.

The first rule I broke was eliminating nursing at night.  Once I moved to my bedroom from the family room and put the twins in their bassinets, it was too hard to get situated on my bed and nurse them without them getting frustrated fast.  I know I should have tried harder but to keep my sanity, I switched to straight formula at night and try to nurse + formula supplement during the day.  This cuts down the time it takes to feed them and makes for less angry babies at night.  And, admittedly, I get more sleep at night too.

The twins are quite popular and we get a lot of visitors.  Which I love but there are only a few I will nurse in front of.  So I slowed down during the day too.  Broken rule #2 (which is technically the same rule as #1 just more broken.)

I rented a hospital grade pump but haven't pumped as much as I should have.  And it wasn't until I started pumping that I realized how little I was producing.  Forty-five minutes on one breast with suction as high as it can go yields a little more than one ounce.  I'm still pumping and storing at least twice a day and nurse during the day when I can and I'm going to try to pump more to see if the milk production improves.  My OB, who is also a mother to twins told me basically the goal is to get them fed be it breast or bottle.

Broken rule #3 happened when I introduced the forbidden binky -or in my case, the Soothie.  I was told during my breastfeeding class no pacifiers for at least four weeks and it would be better to never introduce them.  The pediatrician said wait at least two weeks.  I made it twelve days.  The twins are not huge fans of the binky but it does soothe them occasionally.

I told myself I would try to breastfeed and if it didn't work out, that would be okay.  The truth is I do feel a little bit guilty that I haven't worked harder at it.  Mel wrote a great post yesterday that, along with the comments, has helped ease my guilt.  I'll keep at it the best I can though.  For now.

Little Men in Pants!

After my super long birth story post, I thought I'd write this quickie with some pics. :)

I broke out a "newborn" outfit (they are getting bigger every day!) to celebrate the twins three-week birthday and my due date yesterday.  This was the first time they wore pants!  Too cute although Sweet Potato is not happy being forced to "sit" for a rare photo of both boys together.

The celebration included a walk around the neighborhood.  They love the stroller!

The 3 Heathers, A.K.A. The Birth Story

To share the birth story, I need to go back a few days before the big event. Without knowing it at the time, things started getting interesting on Tuesday, August 24^th after my NST, ultrasound and check-up.  The doctor had me go to the lab with borderline pre-eclampsia symptoms – lots of fluid, protein in my urine, elevated blood pressure.  I mentioned in an earlier post – Tuesday night was rough – nausea, unable to sleep and abdomen pain* no matter which way I moved.  Tylenol seemed to help but I called in sick to work on Wednesday. 

The doctor’s office called with my lab results Wednesday and I told them how I was feeling. Without saying much, the nurse said to come back in on Thursday for another BP check and more lab work.  I wasn’t on the schedule, just stop in sometime in the morning like it was no big deal.  When I got there, my BP was back to normal but the other symptoms were still there.  One of the nurses said I looked like hell so they scrambled around to get me in with a doctor.

The doctor I saw wasn’t concerned at first; even said I could go back to work if I was up to it, until he flipped a page in my file: “Oh...  no, you can’t go back to work.  The best thing for you right now is rest.  Your platelet counts are low (whatever that meant). You won’t be on the regular schedule anymore – we’ll call you after we get your lab results and probably have you back in on Monday for another check.

Friday’s call was more vague than Wednesday’s – the doctor wanted me to do a 24-hour urine collection on Sunday and come in Monday for a check-up.  I never made it that far.  Friday night was another Tuesday night – really rough and Tylenol wasn’t helping.

I just wanted to feel better so I held out until 8 AM on Saturday and called the doctor’s office.  The weekend doctor on-call, Heather #1, called back and I asked her if there was a prescription she could write me that was a stronger than Tylenol.  She ignored my question and suggested I come in to the hospital and get on the monitors.  I told her about the next day’s urine collection and Monday’s check-up and she said by looking at my records she didn’t need a urine collection to know that I had “severe” pre-eclampsia, my platelets were dropping and something about my liver enzymes.  She gave me more information in that five minute phone call than my doctor’s office had given me all week.  Admittedly, I didn’t ask a lot of questions of them but I had no idea the seriousness of the situation.

I called Fabulous D and by 9:30 we were at the hospital.  I had no idea I would be staying – I didn’t bring my hospital bag; I didn’t call my mom right away; I really thought I would go to Triage, listen to the heartbeats, get some medication and go home to rest.  It wasn’t until they took me straight to a labor room and put me in a gown that I started to get it.

My first nurse was awesome - Heather #2, and she was the one to tell me I was staying put and there was a good chance these babies would be born soon.  The babies were doing great, thank God, and throughout the day and night had strong heartbeats.

Heather #1, came in and explained everything that was happening.  Besides the pre-eclampsia, I had HELLP Syndrome with a risk of having a seizure, would need to go on magnesium sulfate and my platelets were so low that there was a chance I would not be able to get pain medication through an epidural.  If my blood didn’t clot properly, the risk of damage from the catheter to my spine was too great.  It was either no pain management or go under general anesthesia and have a c-section.  She said it was at the discretion of the anesthesiologist as to what level he would be comfortable with to insert the catheter.

My attitude for the entire pregnancy was to listen to the doctors advice, take it day-by-day and do whatever was necessary for the babies’ health but I’m no super-hero.  I was not opposed to a c-section but wanted to be awake for it and Fabulous D would not be allowed to be in the operating room with me if I had to go under.  I was sure this was punishment for not going to that damn breathing class and even said that out loud to Heather #2.

Heather #1 also explained to me over and over again that the best course of action for my condition was a vaginal delivery, “push, push, push!”  A c-section would be too risky for excessive blood loss (or something like that).  Great = vaginal delivery with the chance of zero pain medication.  Luckily, my levels had not dropped that much since the last check and the anesthesiologist was comfortable with the catheter insertion for the epidural.  My platelet count was  at 101,000 (?) and he wanted to do it quickly before they dropped further.  Shortly after the insertion, fluid began draining from the catheter so much that my sheets and gown were soaked.  After determining that, no, it was not back sweat, there was concern it was spinal fluid leaking.  It turned out to be fluid leaking from the edema.

Things relaxed a little until the cervical check.  I had not had a cervical exam the entire pregnancy.  And Heather #1 has short fingers.  The check was the most painful thing I had experienced so far.  My cervix was pointing down and Sweet Potato’s head was in the way.  It was so bad that for the first time ever, Heather #1 had to get someone else to do it.  She found a mid-wife with longer fingers and she was able to determine I was 1 centimeter dilated.  I was induced and after a little while (really no idea how long), asked for the pain medicine through the epidural.  The minute I asked, I began to feel pain – you know before the twenty or so minutes it would take to kick in after it was administered.


Everyone says you should feel at least one contraction.  Got it, felt it, give me the drugs.  Well they tried.  At first, I was pain free but after a short while, it wore off.  I sat up in bed at one point and felt a gush – my water broke on its own and both Heathers were very happy about this.  For the next hour, I went from one centimeter to five and the epidural was barely managing my pain.  Heather #1 had said she wanted me to feel no pain and to be able to push these babies out.  Well I felt pain.  The anesthesiologist tried four or five different medicines through the epidural – all of them wore off.  The end result was that the contractions were shorter and I was only feeling them at the peak but I was sure feeling them.  For someone who didn’t have HELLP Syndrome, they would re-do the epidural but my platelet counts were now in the 70,000 range so that was not an option.

Heather #1 was now suggesting nubain to “take the edge off”.  I was starting to get frustrated with all the different medications and wanted some reassurance that this would help.  She couldn’t promise anything but convinced me to try it.  I’m not sure if it helped the pain but it sure made me loopy which would later piss me off.

While in one hour I went from one to five centimeters dilated, the next hour I stalled completely and didn’t progress even on pitocin.  I kept feeling gushes and was told it was my water and normal and Heather #1 didn’t want to irritate the cervix with too many checks.

I’m not sure the order of events after this but I spiked a fever and when my cervix was checked again, it was discovered that I was not leaking fluid but bleeding.  I was still out of if from the nubain and now Heather #1 was going into great detail about the importance of me delivering soon.  All I could think at the time was that I was in pain and she was all push, push, push – how was I going to do that?  After several minutes of her re-explaining her position (I think perhaps to convince herself?) the decision was made to do a c-section. I found out days later she was concerned with placental abruption.

The c-section was a breeze.  They gave me a spinal since the epidural could not be “juiced up” and just before midnight on 8/28, my babies were delivered.  Peeing.  And crying.  In fact, the Dynamo peed on my drape while they held him over it for me to see.  When the catheter for the epidural was removed, they discovered it was not in the proper place which is why I felt the contractions. 

Because of my fever, the boys had to go on antibiotics and stay in the Special Care Nursery for 48-hours.  After my initial hour and a half recovery, I was wheeled into the nursery in my bed to see them and fell asleep next to their bassinets. 

I had to stay on the magnesium sulfate, which the nurses called “nasty stuff”, for 48-hours and be checked every hour.  Luckily, even though they were in the Special Care Nursery, the twins were able to visit me in my room for the first time late Sunday afternoon and “graduated” to the regular nursery Monday night at 1 AM.

My recovery after the births lasted four days and during that time, I had many different nurses.  Each new shift brought on a new nurse, sometimes three nurses in one day, and only once did I have the same nurse twice - Heather #3.

Heather #3 was not warm and fuzzy.  In fact, I found her to be a bit abrupt and well, a little mean.  After the percoset they gave me made me feel ill, they switched it to vicodin and when I asked if it was okay for me to take that while breastfeeding, Heather #3 made a crack about no one giving me anything I couldn't take while breastfeeding.  Okay, point taken.  But I'm on multiple meds, just had major surgery and am a little loopy - give me a break.  Not to mention, each nurse had to press on my uterus during their "checks" and while every other nurse was gentle in this painful pressing, Heather #3 pressed hard!  Seriously, EVERY time.  I mentioned it to one of the other nurses and she said something to Heather #3 which only made it more uncomfortable between us when she was assigned to me again.

To top it off, my boss had flowers delivered to me in the hospital which I never received and the florist confirmed that "Heather" signed for them!  Do I think she stole my flowers?  No.  But it is suspicious,

All in all, my stay was okay.  I'm recovering very well from the c-section and am back to my body weight before I started fertility treatments!  I'm sure I'll gain more in the days to come - especially since I am back on carbs and sugar! - but I love the fact that I can wear regular clothes again!


*The ab pain I was feeling for the week or two before the births is one of the many symptoms I had from HELLP Syndrome.  Makes me wonder why my doctors didn't look into that sooner and makes me very glad I called the office that Saturday morning.

Quick Post and Pictures

I'm not ready to write the birth story but wanted to share some pictures and some details!

Things are going well so far.  After five days in the hospital, I've had five nights at home with my little superstars and my mom's help.  My original plan to keep them in their bassinets next to my bed hasn't worked out so the three of us are spending our evenings in the family room with them sleeping in the Pack N Play, swing, or bouncy seat and me sleeping on the sofa.  It turned out to be easier to physically get up with them, nurse them, feed them a formula supplement (they dropped just under 5 pounds since the births) and change them from this one room that is open to the kitchen rather than gather all the supplies and do it all upstairs in my room and the nursery.  I do miss my bed though so I will attempt the bassinets again soon - especially since I am feeling so much better physically and am more able to get in and out of bed now than I was five nights ago.


And I'm in love!!  Athough I went through some unexpected complications for the births, the reward was so worth it!

Introducing: 
Baby A,  Known on this blog as Sweet Potato
Born 8/28/10 at 11:55 PM.  5 pounds, 3.6 ounces, 18.5 inches long.

Baby B,  Known on this blog as the Dynamo.
Born 8/28/10 at 11:56 PM.  5 pounds, 1.6 ounces, 19 inches long.

Bliss

Baby boys arrived at 37 weeks on 8/28 at 11:55 PM and 11:56 PM.  Birth story to follow soon!

Fabulous D and I are at the hospital! They induced me. These boys might make their appearance tonight. Lots more to say - will update when I can.

Sorta, Kinda Miserable

Hello my bloggy friends!

We're still here - all 3 of us at 36w5d. Things were pretty good up until about Tuesday night after my multiple doctor appointments. I had a checkup, NST, and ultrasound. They found protein in my urine, my blood pressure was slightly elevated which is unheard of for me, and the fluid in my lower half caused the doctor to request blood work to check for pre-eclampsia. The NST was fine - no problems and I passed. The ultrasound was okay but Baby A's head is so low and she had a lot of trouble getting a measurement so it took forever and there was a ton of pressure on my belly. Both babies did gain weight from the last US two weeks ago but not as much. They have dropped to the twenty-something percentile from forty-seventh at the last scan. They are estimated at 5 lbs 10 oz and 5 lbs 13 oz and I actually lost one pound which is baffling to me.

Tuesday night was the roughest night for me so far. No matter what I did, I could not get comfortable enough to sleep and had nausea, night sweats and chills. My belly feels like this huge hard 12 lb rock. I stayed home from work yesterday and could barely eat anything. The doctor's office called early and requested I repeat the blook work today and come back in for another blood pressure check. I'm heading there shortly.

I really wanted to hold on until September. We'll see what happens!!

Time To Return The Preemie Clothes

Well, maybe not just yet. I wouldn't want to jinx anything and I know babies can lose weight in the hospital after they are born BUT my little monsters? - already at 5 pounds each!! (Technically Baby A is 5 lbs 4 ounces and Baby B is 4 lbs 15 ounces.) I bought matching preemie outfits for the trip home from the hospital on the big day just in case they follow the norm of twins being born early and tiny. I already had some newborn outfits and honestly the difference between the two sizes looks enormous. The preemie outfits look like doll clothes! (boy dolls of course.) Even if they swim in the newborn outfits, they seem like better choices.

Everything else is going pretty well too. Both babies are now head down with Baby A pretty low and Baby B at a slight diagonal. The gestational diabetes has been under control with only a few hiccups and my doctor is so excited with my overall progress, I thought she was going to hug me at my check-up today.

The fluid in my legs, ankles and feet though is B.A.D., bad. Apparently no one is concerned but I miss my knee caps and ankle bones and my thighs and calves are pretty tender. I would say that's the worst of it at this point. No swelling in my hands or face. I'm still working and try to elevate my feet when I'm sitting at my desk.

I'm still at bi-monthly appointments but will switch to weekly after my next ultrasound and check-up on the 24th. I will be 36w3d at that point! That will also be my first non-stress test due to the diabetes. Looking forward to it and to finding out how much the boys are weighing then!

Nursery Pics and a Belly Shot

 

 

34 wks! And blue toe-nail polish in honor of my boys. :)

Just Because

My co-workers are so thoughtful!  Look at what shopping on their lunch hour brought me and my boys-to-be....

End of July Already?

So it must be getting close.... I think I am in denial.  Am I really 8 months pregnant?!?!  Did this really work; am I really going to be a mother??    Everyone else seems to think so - they started a pool at work to guess my due date, my labor coach, Fabulous D, sends me Texts when she's going to be out of the immediate area just to let me know but won't go more than a few hours away, and my cousin who is a police officer stopped over last night to make sure I had the car seat bases installed in my car correctly!  The arrival is likely a few weeks away and I am so focused on getting things organized and done ahead of time, I can't answer the popular question I keep getting asked:  Am I nervous?  Or excited?  I haven't taken the time to think about it! 

This month has been a whirlwind with two amazing baby showers*, another baby class, putting together the nursery (which is not quite finished), washing and organizing baby clothes and linens, picking a pediatrician and a part-time day care, managing my gestational diabetes (which I am doing quite well by the way - so good in fact that I only have to test my blood twice per day instead of four times), and purchasing the items for my hospital bag although it is not yet packed.  Phew!  :) 

I think once the nursery is complete, the hospital and babies' bags are actually packed and all my immediate-needs items are purchased and ready, I'll be able to actually relax and decide if I am excited or nervous.  Today, I can't answer that question!

Thank you to my anonymous commenter for kicking me in the ass to get me to post.  I know I should write more like I did when I was TTC.  Where does the time go? And in case you're wondering, no first names yet.  I have a few rolling around in my head but nothing definite.


*If anyone wants to see some pictures from my baby showers, email me and I will send you the links.

Names

I've been struggling with coming up with baby names for these boys.  I have a handful picked out for first name and a shorter list for middle names which was helped by this story:

A good friend and I were out to dinner (at a restaurant with their nutrition guide online so I could pick something diabetes friendly), and our waiter, who was quite chatty, was named Keenan.  Hmmm, I thought.  Keenan.  Not bad.  I asked Keenan what his middle name was and he said, "Paul."  Then, out of the blue, our blue-eyed, 20-something year-old waiter outed with, "I was conceived by artificial insemination and the doctor's name was Paul."  I almost fell out of the booth.  What are the chances?  And how cool was it that he shared that information like it was the neatest thing ever.  (And it was!)  I told him my boys-to-be were conceived the same way and he thought that was great.

The next morning I was still mulling over names and I remembered my mother speaking very fondly of her grandfather.  When she was young, she used to spend summer vacations with her grandparents and help her grandfather pick strawberries.  She adored him and when the boys would come around, he would say in an Italian accent, "Rosalia, go take a break.  Go rest," to 'protect' her from the boys who found her so pretty.  She loved her summers with her grandfather.  It never occurred to me to ask her what her grandfather's first name was and if she had mentioned it in the past, I didn't remember so I sent her an email and asked her.  This was her response:  "Paul, son of Carmen and Petinella, who married Angelica, daughter of Genevieve and Carmen.  They had five children, Genevieve, Pauline, Carmen, Pearl and Anthony.  Just wanted to throw in a little history." *

Huh!  There's that name again!  And I adored my great aunt, Pauline, who was name after her father, Paul.  I didn't share this with my mom so she can be surprised but I'm pretty sure Paul will be one of the middle names with my late grandfather, her father, Lewis, being the other's middle name.  I think it's fate.  :)   Let's hope someone drops a bomb on me to help me pick some first names too.

In other news -

• The gestational diabetes has been under control.  So far, so good.  I do my best to follow the diet and my blood sugar readings have only been elevated a few times.  Everyone seems happy with that.  I do miss my favorite pastas, pizzas and Friendly's Health Bar Sundae! but I'll survive without them.
• I had another ultrasound yesterday and just found out I could have had a DVD of all my ultrasounds!  There was this tiny sign where you check-in that said something about purchasing a DVD for one dollar.  Damn.  I would have loved the anatomy scan on DVD - it was a nice long appointment and they looked at everything.  As it was, I did get a DVD of yesterday's scan and it's just okay.  The boys are pretty big and crowded so the pictures aren't the best but I'll take what I can get.  They are still measuring ahead and estimated to weigh around 3.5 pounds each.  Baby A is head down and Baby B is cross-wise like they are making the letter T.  
• My work shower was last Saturday and my co-worker who hosted it at her house could honestly give Martha Stewart a run for her money.  It was beautiful.  Her house is right out of a magazine; the food was great and the gifts - the gifts! - were overwhelming.  I was truly touched.  The family/friends shower is this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it.   Pictures from both showers to follow soon!!!

*last names removed.

I Gots Da Sugar

First off I want to thank you for the supportive comments on my last post.  You guys always come through for me in a big way.  I teared up the first time I read them. 

So, as the title indicates, I gots da sugar - gestational diabetes.  I failed miserably on two out of the four blood pokes for the three-hour glucose test.  My fasting level was good - below normal (73), next level was 205 (yikes), the level after that was 209 (double yikes!) and then the last level was back to normal (74).

I met with a nutritionist yesterday and got my diabetes monitoring kit.  YAY - more needles!  And four times a day!  Yippee!  Honestly, it's not that bad.  Granted I've only been at it for a day but so far, so good.  My problem apparently is processing food.  We talked for an hour about carbs, I got a meal plan and chart of what foods have how many carbs.  I've been a good soldier and all my self tests so far have been low except for one.  I have to go back and meet with the nurse on Monday.  I'm concerned about my boys and the effect this has had on them and hope they are and will be okay.

Besides changing my eating habits including eating three meals and three snacks per day, they want me to exercise after each meal.  I've been trying to keep my feet up to reduce the Fred Flintstone ankles but I need to just ignore them I guess and get moving.  I will do whatever they tell me if it means my boys will be healthy.  Time will tell.

In other news, I am shopping this weekend for a dress for my baby showers!  Pretty excited about that.  I am having a small work shower in two weeks and then a only slightly bigger family/friends shower at Fabulous D's house in three weeks.  I am buying one dress for both.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who is not a fan of spending money on maternity clothes that will only be worn a short time.

One more thing - I have some left over injectible meds from my last cycle.  Some expire this fall, some next spring.  I was waiting until viability (24 weeks) to donate them (don't ask me why - not sure I would have endured another cycle - maybe it was the jinx factor).  Anyway, the weeks got away from me since today I am 28 weeks and I meant to post something about them sooner.  I was fortunate enough to have some prescription coverage and understand how incredibly expensive TTC can be for the less fertile.  If you have an upcoming cycle and need injectible meds, send me an email with your protocol and I'll get back to you.  The generosity of this community is so incredible - I'd like to pay it forward.

Down

I knew it was going to happen.  Eventually.  I mean it had to, right?  With all the hormones floating about and me just being me, the time had to come where I would feel down... sad... fearful.  I've had what I think is a very good, if not great, pregnancy so far especially considering I'm carrying two.  Early morning sickness which wasn't too bad, being tired and extra fluid don't strike me as that bad.  I know many of you have had so much worse just TTC. 

The sadness started Friday when I got the results of my glucose tolerance test:  Elevated.  Drat.  Now I have to endure the 3-hour test.  While the logical part of me knows this can just happen in pregnancy, I feel like I've let these boys down.  I don't have a huge sweet tooth but I admit I don't always eat enough good foods and really haven't lately.  I could have done better.  I should have done better.  I'm trying to do better now. 

Here it is Sunday and I'm still feeling down thinking I've been irresponsible and lazy with my eating habits.  Not to mention my prenatal vitamins sometimes make me feel nauseous so I haven't always been taking them.  I might skip a day or two here and there if I'm already feeling a tinge of yuck before bedtime (which is when I take them.)  Of course I am going to be diligent now; that's for sure. 

Why does it take something like a blood test with the potential to be bad to get me to do the right thing?   

In other news, I had "baby school" yesterday.  My mom and I attended Child & Infant CPR in the morning and then Breastfeeding in the afternoon at the hospital where I will be delivering.  Both classes were pretty good but mom was tired and I was down.  I was snappish and she was ditzy.  Not a great combination.  I booked these classes months ago and asked her if she wanted to attend and she was thrilled at the time.  Not only did she forget what time the first class started, she was shocked to hear it was "all day".  I was clear - these were 3-hour classes with and hour break in between.  Whatever.  She gets like that when's she's tired - which is alot.... which scares me... a little.  Then at lunch she makes a remark out of the blue like, "I'd like, if you will allow it, to show these boys a continuity of family."  What the hell does that mean?  (and yes, I said that much to her dismay).  The boys immediate local family - Me and Her.  She's going to be staying with me around the clock in the beginning and then watching the kids at least two days per week when I go back to work.  They're going to have a "continuity of family" whether I want it or not - and I do want it.   Her comment came from the fact that when my nieces were small, she thinks she wasn't allowed to spend as much time with them as she wanted (a story way too long to go into here).  Still.  "if you will allow it..." ? Give me a break.

I had hoped I would feel better today after eleven-ish hours of sleep and a relaxing day so far at my new home cleaning and organizing.  Not so much yet.  It doesn't help that this expanding belly gets in my way of doing things which frustrates me.  (I am a bitch for complaining about this to you, my readers. I realize this and am sorry. It's where I'm at right now.)  I'm starting (really? starting? duh) to wonder how I'm going to put baby furniture together and do even simple things that require me bending up and down like loading and unloading the dish washer, changing the cat box and even taking out the trash.  And the 3rd trimester doesn't even start until next week. 

And don't get me started about work.  My boss is "not happy" with our relationship now since he pulled the plug on the idea of me working from home which I AM ALREADY doing.  We've talked a bit more - he's nervous I'm going to quit, he nervous how things are going to go when I am on leave and recognizes that while I was gung-ho to help out from home while on maternity leave, I'm no longer willing.  The worst part of the whole thing is the slap in the face I feel which makes me not like my job.  And this is no time for me to not like my job.  Time will tell I guess.  I've started to research child care options in more detail lately.  I really need an idea of costs to help plan what I'm going to do when I go back to work. 

That's enough whining.  Thanks for letting me vent. I suspect today is a crappy day for more than just me considering it's Father's Day.  Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

25 Weeks

Today marks 25 weeks and while I daydreamed about caring for a baby and being pregnant, for some reason I did not imagine what it would be like to be in the second half of a pregnancy!  Actually, all things considered, it's going pretty well.  My ankles swell up like Fred Flintstone's, I pee ALL the time and am still tired but that's about it.  Not too shabby!  I am grateful for that.

On the work front, I had some bad news a few weeks ago.  While I already work from home when necessary - some of it just because I want to be efficient, some of it because it's work that has to be done after hours - they are not going to let me work from home even one day per week when I return from leave.  I am more hurt than anything else after the sixteen years of dedication and loyalty and the fact that I already do it and am already set up - no addition time or cost to them.  My relationship with my boss has since taken a hit even though deep down I know it's the bigger boss' decision.  She is an old fashioned, narrow minded, {insert nasty word here}.  Their reason? - what if someone else asks to do it.  Seriously?  You say yes or you say no.  It's a small company.  There is no policy, they can do what they want.  And there are only about three positions in the entire company where working from home would be an option.  Ridiculous.  Anyway, all the years of me helping out beyond my duties on weekends, vacations, holidays - Over.  And I offered to help out as much as possible while on maternity leave.  That's no longer an option for them either.  The whole situation is pretty sad.  Apparently they prefer a less dedicated employee with low morale in the office than one who feels appreciated and more rested working from home eight to sixteen hours per week.

But enough of that, my life is good and I am thankful!  I love my new house and am starting to put the nursery together.  I ordered this and love it -

I also found two bassinets at a "twin baby items" garage sale last weekend and have them already cleaned and set up next to my bed.  Love them!

I hope all is well with all my readers - old and new!  I love finding out that my story has reached a new person, a single-mother-by-choice wannabe or not - welcome! :)  I am still reading your stories when I can and am hopeful for all of you. 

Update!

Hello friends!  The three weeks since I last posted have been exhausting as I packed up my house and moved into a new one.  I love my new place and love, love, love being closer to family and friends.  I do get frustrated when I can't do as much as I would like, (I'm a hands on, amateur home improvement gal), but lucky for me, there isn't too much in the new house that was dreadfully in need of change.  I will try to share some before and after pictures soon. 

Baby news is uneventful - which is great.  I had a second ultrasound since the anatomical one because they couldn't get all the pictures they wanted and they still couldn't get everything at the that scan.  Bummer, I'll have to go back and see my boys again. ;)  The pictures I did get from the second scan were better than the first, so I am sharing a couple below.  As of last Thursday, both tikes were still measuring about one week ahead and weigh 1 lb, 1 ounce. 

I've been feeling pretty good.  I did go through a time where my energy level was at the lowest and it was the first few weeks of the second trimester.  I was more tired then than I was in the first tri but I seem to be rebounding a bit now when I'm careful not to overdo it.  My appetite is back to pre-pregnancy pretty much but some things still leave an after taste (which is horrid) and I'm still a little congested. 

My baby showers are scheduled!  So exciting.  My co-worker (you know the one), is throwing me a work shower (and yes, I am going straight to hell for the unflattering things I posted about her), and Fabulous D and another friend are hosting the Family/Friends shower at Fabulous D's amazing house.  I haven't registered yet but have started to create wish lists at Target.com and BabiesRUs.com.  Am I the only one who is overwhelmed with all the crap at BRU?  Seriously, there is so much stuff.  A lot of it seems unnecessary to me and lucky for me, my cousin's wife (a mom of 15 month old twins) is going to help me register and weed out the needed items from the fluff. 

My boss, who I like a lot, is starting to freak out a little bit about my leave and we have had many meetings about who will cover my work while I'm out.  I'm the only one at my company who does what I do (I work in IT) and I think he thought we could pass my duties around the office.  He's learning quickly that network and systems support are not easily shared among those with no background and that outside help is going to be needed.  It hasn't been pretty and I was apologizing for it at the beginning of these talks but I have stopped doing that.  I'm not sorry and after working here for sixteen years with no absences except for vacation, I will have no guilt.  I've started a work diary of all the things I do and have an assignment of documenting who they should call for what when I'm out.  That will be a lengthy project and it sure makes me busier now but I'll do it because I want things to go as smoothly as possible when I'm out.  That being said, I know it will be what it will be and I will have enough other things to worry about!

OH one last thing before the pictures - while I've started to feel the boys move a bit, just this past week I've felt some kicks!  At least I think they're kicks.  So exciting.  I'm loving that.  What I'm not loving is trying to come up with baby names.  I thought I had some picked out but now I'm not so sure.  Choosing names is much harder than I thought it would be.  Fun, but hard!  :)

Halfway Mark! And will it be blue or pink or both?

I can't believe I am halfway through this pregnancy!  My doctor said she won't let me go past 38 weeks so technically I am past halfway since I am 19w2d.  It's such a surprise to me to have made it this far.  Here's some proof and the only photo I have taken of myself throughout this pregnancy -

AND..... I had the anatomic scan today...... 









I'm having 2 BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

MeAndbaby Bits

• Dopplers - While I admit I am jealous when I read other blogs and the author has a Doppler and gets to hear that special sound whenever she wants to, I made the decision not to rent one.  Besides the expense (I'm trying very hard to be frugal right now), the risk of not being able to find the heartbeats because I am inept, and then subsequently freaking out, is too much for me to imagine. The nice part for me is that my doctor told me I can stop in anytime for a heartbeat check in between appointments.  It's not as convenient but it is a nice option for me.  I've already taken her up on it once.  Four weeks between appointments is too long!
• Paranoia - Probably going hand-in-hand with my lack of a rented Doppler, my fear that something will go wrong is still present.  As the weeks tick by, and I keep growing, and I still have symptoms, I do feel a little bit better but as Fabulous D once told me, "you won't stop being nervous until you hold that baby (or in my case, babies) in your arms."   While my current goal is to get to week 24, viability!, once I can feel them moving around, I think I will be more reassured.
• Speaking of Symptoms - all you newly pregnant chicks out there, don't freak out if you don't have symptoms.  I know it's hard and even though I read that sometimes they come later, I still freaked out when I didn't have any.  Especially with betas as high as mine.  I started getting symptoms in week 9.  It came on gradually and the worst symptom (which is still present) is the nasal congestion. That and the horrid taste in my mouth 24/7.  Ick. 
• Losing Game - I jokingly got ticked off at my mother a few weeks ago when she said I was getting bigger and then this past weekend, she told me I looked great and no bigger than the last time she saw me.  I replied with, "What?  Do you think they're still growing??".  She can't win.  In my defense, when she said I was getting bigger, she was referring to my rear end!  No one wants to hear that, pregnant or not.
• Precious Cargo - I recently heard a story of a woman who became such a bitch during each of her pregnancies, it almost broke up her marriage.  Her mood swings were a deciding factor for them to stop after two children.  While I don't think I've been more hormonal than normal, I do find myself with a little road rage.  Mostly it's me dropping F bombs in the car to the idiot across from me who thinks he has the right of way in an intersection when turning left and I'm going straight.  Perhaps it's my instincts kicking in protecting the two extra people joining me in the drivers seat. 
• Education - I signed up for the Infant Care and Safety and Child CPR classes at the hospital.  They will be in June and July and Grandma will be joining me.  I'm looking forward to them.  I'm also considering taking a multiples class at the neighboring big hospital as well.  It's like a regular breathing and relaxation class with an added focus on multiple births.  My cousins told me not to waste my time/money on this type of class if I plan on getting an epidural (which I do).  Anyone have any thoughts on this? 
• Genders! - Yes, I am going to find out what I am having - (currently the top question I am getting).  The big reveal is in less than two weeks!!  I am excited to know but I am more excited to find out all is well.  I have a regular OB appointment next week - or as I like to call it, a date with the Doppler.  Then it will be seven long days to the anatomy scan on 4/26.  I'll be sure to share the news!

Generosity

I feel like I was living in the shadows before I started TTC and got far enough into a pregnancy where I could share my news.  It's opened up a new world to me.  I've seen generosity and compassion that I've never seen before.  Not that it didn't exist - I think I was just not in a position in my life to see it.

When I was TTC and documenting my adventures online, I had no idea the people I would meet and the compassion I would feel from them.  I read about others struggling to build their families too and how the online community responded and reached out to them the way they had reached out to me.  It made me feel blessed to be part of this community.  The mass outpouring of love was nothing I had witnessed before.

And now, as I am starting to show and my news is become widely known in my little world, I am overwhelmed with the generosity of those around me.  Even people who I don't know, friends of friends, are offering to loan me much needed items such as cribs, a changing table, dresser, car seat and double stroller.  I received my first baby gifts - two baby books to document their little lives even now as they are growing inside me all the way to age five.  I am truly touched. 

Here's my first donated item and my crazy kitty checking it out -

I think she approves!  And lucky me, I was able to find the exact same car seat on CraigsList for baby #2.  (Both seats were manufactured within the last three years.)

In other news, I am moving to a new home in a month!  I am excited and freaked out at the same time but mostly excited.  I love, love, love this house.  It seems perfect for me and my new family-to-be.

Also thank you for the birthday wishes a few weeks back!  With everything going on, I barely remembered I had a birthday but your wishes and my IRL friends made sure it didn't go by unnoticed. 

I'm so feeling the love these days!!! :)

Co-Worker Tales

I haven't updated about the co-worker in awhile and a few of her recent comments have reminded me of that.  Those of you who have been following my journey (see old blog) for awhile, know of her thoughtless remarks on occasion. 

The latest:

Nearly everyone at work knows my news now.  I've actually enjoyed some of the comments from those who aren't as close to me and had no idea - "Did you do in-vitro?", "Twins?  What are you thinking having two?!", "Do you know who the father is?" (this one actually came out better than that - it was after I said I used a donor).  My favorites, "That's awesome! I am so thrilled for you.", "If you need anything at all, please let me know.  I live near where you are moving and am happy to lend a hand!", "Motherhood is the greatest joy of all.",  "You will be a great mom.",  "Let me see what leftover baby stuff I have!", "I'll check out some garage sales for you!".  And I just love the ear-to-ear grins on some of their faces. :)

And then there's the infamous co-worker: "You know where you're moving is a longer commute to work.", "When [so and so] finds out, expect a comment from him."  Seriously, I know these things - is it necessary to say them out loud?  Just why?  My all time favorite is her embellishing.  I gave her permission to tell her closest friends who I have met and who consist of one who had a small struggle getting pregnant and one who says she wants to be a mom but does nothing to make it happen -except complain.  She shared my news and when one of them asked how many tries it took, she told them THREE.  ???  I have no idea why she said this but it happened weeks ago and it continues to bug me.  I actually said to her as she was re-telling the conversation, "Try eight.  And four pregnancies."  I'm proud of my journey so far and my struggle.  I think it's important for people  to know about perseverance.  It's one of the many things with her I have to let go. 

On the flip side, she has been very helpful to me at work - not letting me carry anything heavy, sweetly talking about when I find out the genders - and I feel like she is happy for me regardless of her insensitive remarks.  She has even offered to shampoo the carpets for me in my new house with her carpet steamer.  She will be very helpful, I know this.  I just have to remind myself that it is in her nature to point out the negative even if it's not necessary. 

Waiting

You know what's almost as bad as waiting for beta results?  (Almost!)  Waiting to see if a stubborn seller will agree to your counter - to her counter - to your offer  - on her house!  Waiting for my realtor to call today with the yay or nay brought back some crazy anticipation memories.  The good news?  It looks like it's a go!  Um, the seller's first counter offer was for the original list price of the house.  Not a counter offer at all. She came to her senses and it looks like me and the babies will have a new house just minutes away from my mom and Fabulous D!  Yippee!!  My house sold in less than one week on the market which I was thrilled about.  Moving day will probably be sometime in May.  This year will go down in history as my craziest!  And hopefully my best.

I heard the babies' heartbeats at a quick OB appointment last week and I think (I hope!) the nausea is starting to get better.  Eating is still a challenge as far as finding things that are appealing and healthy. And unfortunately the exhaustion is still in full swing.  I've told just about everyone now.  It's been kind of hard to hide it as I already have a nice pouch. I've gotten a couple, "I thought you looked different!" and "I was going to ask if you got new bras!"  Pretty funny!

Quick Post - Helloooooooooo

To the anonymous commenter who kicked me in the ass, thank you!  I know I have been a bad blogger.  I'm so sorry.  Between being totally swamped at work and completely exhausted and nauseous 24/7, I have not made the time to blog.  I've tried to keep up with your blogs but my reader currently has 52 unread posts so I'm not doing too good a job at that either.

I have only good news to report!  Besides the lovely symptoms keeping the anxiety levels down, my official NT scan results are in.  My risk of downs went from 1/68 (based on my age only) to 1/1241.  Trisomy risks are even lower.  My next apt is this coming Thursday and I will discuss this with my doctor then but I am happy with these results.

The only other tidbit I failed to report with my last post is that my ultrasound tech for the NT scan not only knows Dr. Doogie, but was his high-school prom date!  She got all batty eyed and blushy talking about him.  Fabulous D thinks she considers him the one who got away.  Small world!  Oh and the 2nd trimester is knocking at the door!  Yay!

1st Trimester Screening

It's been more than a month since my last ultrasound!  Today was the day!  The screening went great.  Babies are measuring 12w3d and 12w4d and I am technically 11w4d.  Both heart rates were 163 and the ultrasound tech said everything looked great.  I will get the official  results in about a week.  I'm exhausted so I'll write more tomorrow.  In the mean time, enjoy a pic! :)

Going Public?

Between the headache and symptoms (yay for symptoms!), I haven't been able to post.  I've had a new blog post brewing in my head for more than a week and haven't been able to make time to write it until today. 

So I am reconsidering my decision to share this blog with family and more friends. How on earth am I going to survive this journey if I can't vent to my blogging family about my IRL family?!

I'm certain this will not be the last post where I bitch about something my mother has done or hasn't done.  I love her dearly and we do get along but her mouth.... and her actions....

See for yourself:

A few weeks ago -

     Mom:  "So I told someone."
     
     Me:  "Someone?"
     
     Mom: "M." (my oldest brother who I am pretty close to who I wanted to share this news with when I was ready.)
     
     Me:  Dropped face.  "Why?"

     Mom:  "He was having a bad day and needed some good news.  But I told him to act surprised when you tell him so don't let on that you know."  Seriously, she's the parent in this relationship.
    
     Me:  sarcastically, "Right.  Keep the lie going." 

My brother has an about-to-be thirteen year-old daughter who he tells everything to.  She is all over Facebo.ok.  I really didn't want her to know and say anything on FB before I am ready to go really public.  Not to mention her mother is a kook and could put a negative spin on the situation just for kicks.  I didn't want her and her little sister to be subject to that just yet.  Not that MY reasons for not telling MY news  matter to my mom.


A week later -

     Mom:  "Oh I told C."  (my other brother, who I am not as close with but still.)
     
     Me:  "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

     Mom: "Well M. couldn't know something C. didnt' know!" 
     
     Me:  "And whose fault would that have been?"



Fast forward to last weekend and a family birthday party for my cousin's ten year-old daughter.  I decide at the last minute to tell my uncles and cousins my news.  Everyone seems geniunely happy and pleasantly surprised.  One of them asks if my brothers (who both live far away) are excited.  I say to ask my mom since she was the one who told them.  A unanimous sigh came from them.  They get it.  They see it is my story to tell, not hers.  Her remark, "Well they had a right to know."  So she acts like she didn't do anything wrong but clearly knows she did since she told M. to pretend he didn't know.  And seriously, I was 8 or 9 weeks when she told them.  It wasn't like the entire family knew except them and I was about to pop. 

We're going to brawl.  I just know it.  Not over this.  This is done and I'm trying to get over it.  It's just a reminder to me of what's likely to come.  More of her choices about my life.  Ugh.

I have some IRL friends I can vent to but I need to be able to bitch on my blog. So I will remain anonymous for now and re-publish all of my old blog posts. 


In other news:

Crinone gel - done!  Technically I could have been done last weekend - at 10 wks - but I had some left and was nervous about stopping it so I finished off what I had left.  I'm still a little nervous but happy to be done with it!


I apologize again for not commenting as much lately.  I am hoping in another few weeks I will feel better and get back to my old online self. 


Wednesday is the 1st Trimester screening and the next peek at the babies.  Can't wait.  Fabulous D will be joining me.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time.  Wish me luck!!

Happy weekend!!

Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!

I heard the babies' heartbeats today!! I've been on cloud 9 all afternoon!

Today's visit was the first with my new OB's office. I met with the nurse practitioner for about an hour going over my history and talking about future testing and visits and then she did a full exam (fun).

I had no idea she was going to try to listen for the heartbeats and it's probably a good idea she didn't tell me ahead of time because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate and answer all her questions if she had. She whipped out this little Doppler and before she could say, "it's pretty early so don't be surprised if we can't hear anything yet", I heard it. Fast and loud, Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!   Even she said, "I didn't even have to go looking!" I asked if she was sure it wasn't mine and she took my pulse and repeated back a much slower, "Thump. Thump. Thump."

She moved the Doppler to the other side of my lower ab and had to search a little, but not much, for the second one. Sure enough, Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  She was fairly certain it was the other baby and not the same baby we had just heard. I did not get the heart rate but she said it sounded fast like it should. I never even thought that hearing the heartbeats would be an option today at only 9w4d.

I also got a B6 injection in the butt cheek to try to help with the nausea. Still waiting for that to kick in. If it helps, I can go in every week for a shot. Nice to have that option. She gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and some samples. She said I could continue with the OTC ones I am taking but since I am also taking a DHA supplement and apparently need a stool softener (sorry for the TMI), this one prescription will have all that plus it's more folic acid than the OTCs.

That's today's update!  Next up is the 1st Trimester screening on March 3.  It's exactly two weeks away and I think I can hold out that long since I heard life today.  I heard life today! :)

Bad Housekeeper, Bad Employee, Bad Blogger

In exactly two days, I will be at my new OB's office meeting with the nurse practitioner. TWO days. While I had a similar appointment three months ago at my old OB's office, and have an idea of what to expect, I'm still anxious.

Will I like them? Will parking be a pain? Will they be running late? Will the appointment be really long? Will I be able to SCHEDULE AN ULTRASOUND SOON?!

That last one is the real kicker. Even though I'm happily feeling like crap, I'm still on pins and needles about what's actually going on in there.

Last Saturday marked 9 weeks. It brought back some bad memories of my last pregnancy at 9 weeks. It was the day I found out my baby had died. It was the day my baby was physically taken from me. As sad as it was back then and it was again on Saturday, I'm trying to hold on to the fact that this time things are different. From the new donor, to the higher betas, to the TWIN heartbearts, to their better early growth, to the way I feel. Things this time are different. I can only hope the end results are different too.

I've been a bad girl lately. My blogging comments have been fewer, my posts obviously have been fewer. Part of that is from a headache that is exacerbated from looking at the computer screen (which is a real bummer since I stare at one pretty much all day long for my job), and part of it is the lack of energy combined with my laziness. I'm behind in my housework which is not what you want when you are about to list your house for sale. And I can't focus at work. Mostly because my pending tasks are crap ones I don't really feel like doing. Bad employee.

I'm going to try to improve all these areas.

I'm sure the good news from Wednesday's OB appointment (please, please, please) that an ultrasound will be just around the corner, will help. Here's hoping.

UPDATE: Less than a minute after I published this post, I just got a cool work project. Yay! The distraction helps a ton.

Yuckity Yuck Yuck

Definitely got my yuck on. It's reassuring.  I know it's no guarantee but if I didn't feel like crap you would reading a paranoid, anxious, freak-out post instead of this one. (lucky you -in both cases!)

I've tried the wrist bands, saltines (ugh), peppermint candy, gatorade, and ice. Yep, I said ice. I haven't read that one anywhere but ice cubes are my friend. It seems the actual act of eating or drinking is the best thing to curb the yuck and sucking on ice cubes covers both of those things. The only bad thing is the cubes eventually melt so if I fill my aluminum water bottle with ice cubes in the morning, I don't have the luxury of still having them available in the afternoon. We have a freezer at work but it's jam packed with everything BUT ice trays.

As for the super tiredness I keep reading everyone momma-to-be has, I still am not sure I have that. I'm normally tired as it is and have always loved tons of sleep so I don't find anything that different now.

I'm patiently (yeah, right) counting the days until my first appointment with the nurse practitioner at the new OB's office - eight for those who want to play along.

In other news, I met with my realtor over the weekend! I'm pretty excited to go house hunting and hope the stress of the whole process isn't too bad. She's going to send me some listings and I'll choose some I like to walk through this weekend. I'm looking forward to that. I already told her I would be bringing snacks along for the visits. But no, I won't be bringing ice.

Nerves

I made an appointment with a realtor for Saturday.  And then I couldn't sleep last night.  It's like I'm planning for this future that I'm still not sure I'll have.

Am I crazy?

Here's the thing - on the house front, IF things progress, I need to act now.  The homebuyers tax credits are in play until the end of April and I don't want to be packing and unpacking when I'm walking like a penguin.

I keep moving forward as if this will work out and then when I've had time to think about it, freak out that all this planning will cause it to fall apart.

I am crazy.

Graduation

Dr Doogie used words like 'gorgeous' and 'perfect' at my second viability scan today. Both babies are still measuring ahead of schedule - I am 7w3d but Baby A is measuring 7w4d and Baby B is measuring 7w6d. Heartbeats both look terrific. This is now the furthest along I have ever been.

Dare I say this is starting to sink in? Doogie gave me a "higher than 95% chance" both the babies would make it to delivery. Holy shit. He said he is so confident because of the way everything looks and how well they have grown in the last week. See for yourself -

It was bittersweet to leave SFC today. Dr Doogie even hugged me good-bye.

I called my new OB's office this afternoon and after some question as to whether she would accept a "local transfer from another OB", I'm in. My first appointment with the nurse practitioner is February 17th. That's more than two weeks away!!! Lucky for me, work is busy this month. Between that and the new house plans, I'm hoping the days will go by quickly.

Thank you so much for the great comments!! I think I am just now in shock because I haven't allowed myself to really believe this yet.

Decisions and Burps

It's official. I got my yuck on! And I couldn't be happier. Actually, I physically could be a lot happier but since the yuck is helping my anxiety, I'll take it. I haven't tossed my cookies but feel slightly hung-over every day. And the burping! It is non-stop. The yuck starts after I've been up for a little bit and hangs on until bed time. I'm not hungry at all and have to force myself to eat which just makes me feel bloated. I am drinking water - mostly small sips - and the act of putting food or drink in my mouth even though I'm not hungry helps with the nausea.

In other news, I think I made a decision on the new doctor. Or at least I'm leaning. I've decided to start with Doctor #1 - the woman doctor who has the small practice. I like that it's a small practice and I like the hospital she delivers at. My only concern is the other hospital has the NICU. Ultrasounds are done at the hospital she delvers at which makes me happy - it is not done in the same office park as my current OB which is what I feared. I found this on her hospital's website and it helped -

• If your pregnancy requires special care, our perinatologists—experts in the high-risk care—are on hand to consult with your physician. This on-site expertise includes ultrasound and other prenatal tests, so we can predict and prepare for every possible circumstance, even before your baby is born.

• [Our hospital] is the only community hospital with on-site perinatologists and a central fetal monitoring system linked to specialists at nearby [Big hospital w/NICU]. The [Big hospital] team includes the area's only perinatologists and neonatologist who care for premature babies and newborns with special health needs. Our link with these specialists can often keep your baby with you in the Family Maternity Center's Special Care Nursery, instead of moving the baby to another unit for this specialized care.

At the very least, I will start with her and as the pregnancy progresses, if I feel strongly that I should be delivering at the hospital with the NICU, I can change docs at that time. My current OB delivers at this same hospital and had I not wanted a fresh start with a smaller practice, I would have stayed with her and probably not thought a thing about it. Having twins does change it up a little bit but it's still early on so for now, this is the plan. I hope I don't live to regret it.

In other, other news I think I will be house hunting soon! While I live very close to where I work, it's between twenty and thirty minutes from my mom and other local family and most of my friends. I need to be closer to them. It will be easier for me to get help when I need it. Not to mention, IF I have more than one baby, my tiny house is not ideal. Assuming all goes well at tomorrow's second viability scan, I will be emailing my realtor to get the ball rolling. Even if things take a turn for the worst (please no) later on, I'm ready to move anyway.