Doing It

It's early - Sweet Potato is still asleep in the nursery and the Dynamo is in the kitchen with me in his car seat.  The house is quiet and times like these sometimes bring me back to what it was like before they were here.  I would sit at this kitchen table, my pregnant self (I moved into this house when I was 5 months pregnant), and wonder how life would be when they came.  Now that they're here, the house says "family" with rooms full of baby stuff and everything around me reflecting them.  Whatever I wondered back then is no comparison to how it really is.  And I mean that in a good way.  My heart is full.  All those cliches are true.  There is no greater love.

Fabulous D calls me a calm mother.  I think she's right but the twins have made it pretty easy so far.  They've only in the past week or so started fussing at more than feeding times (and sometimes doing it simultaneously which is a bigger challenge) but so far, I'm managing.  It's when I'm away from them that the anxiety sets in.  I mean sure, I miss them but when I'm in the car or in the shower or some other brief time when we are apart, it's more than missing them - it's oh-my-god-I'm-responsible-for-these-two-little-lives. 

Only recently has it hit me how my life has changed.  I've been so focused on my routine and staying somewhat organized (my method of survival), that I haven't really taken the time to think about what I have accomplished.  Sure, it took two years to get here (a blink of an eye in the IF world), and it wasn't easy, but holy crap, I'm a mother.  And - I'm doing it.  Who would've thought?  I sure had my doubts.  And I know it's early - they're only 7 weeks old - and the other shoe could drop at anytime.  And I could lose my mind.  But right now?  Right now, so far, I'm freakin' doing it.  Without pulling my hair out.  Without large doses of alcohol.  And no one is more surprised than me.