I was warned about mother's guilt. And I have it. Big time. Forget the guilt about spending too much time with the fussier twin and not enough with the other - that guilt is small potatoes compared to the other crappola rolling around in my head.
My guilt stems from jealousy.
What am I jealous of, you ask? Big families with lots of baby help? A little. Families with a mom AND a dad? Sure, a little bit. Just like I am a little jealous of happy couples out there when I couldn't find Mr. Right. It is what it is. I expected that.
No, the real jealousy - the envy causing most of my guilt - is of mothers who only have one baby! It's true. I see moms out shopping or taking a walk with a tiny one about the age of my twins and I am immediately JEALOUS. Look at her - she's so happy, she's smiling, laughing, she probably has it so easy - she only has ONE newborn. And she probably has a husband to help her. (I always throw that one in when I'm spewing jealousy.) Oh and would you look at that - she can fit the car seat on top of the shopping cart. Hell, she can actually USE a shopping cart. To put things in. Like groceries. Or treasures from Target. And she only has to worry about getting one baby to sleep at night. Or down for a nap. Or fed. Or bathed.
Then the guilt hits me. Hard. I have been blessed with TWO children when so many cannot have even one. My boys will always have each other; they have a sibling; they have a brother. I am lucky.
I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm having a long day (or a long moment) and I wonder for a split second what it would be like with just one. Would I still be having that particular moment? Would it be so much easier? Would I actually be bored like my mother says?
After the jealous, guilty, what-if moments pass, I run to my babies and snuggle them up and kiss them all over. I AM lucky. And I know it.
You are doing such an awesome job AND doing it on your own. I've been following your blog admiring how smoothly you are handling the boys. It's okay to be human. A little "grass is greener" jealousy isn't going to hurt anyone and it doesn't mean you are not thankful and know you are blessed. No more beating yourself up. No more guilt!
ReplyDelete*Hugs* mama. My girls are Irish Twins, but I still know how you feel. To this day (and my girls are 3.5 and 4.5) I still see parent's with one child (or at least the kids are distinctly different ages) and I'm jealous. I'm jealous of the time they get to spend with each of them. But once they get this age they are perfect playmates. Hang tight, dear. You're doing great and soon you will be the envy of those only child parents because your kids play together by themselves!! :D
ReplyDeleteA good friend of mine also had twin boys, and told me that she often felt this way, and often wanted to know what it would feel like to bond with just one at a time. Seems pretty normal to me. I don't even have one (and wish desperately I did) and I don't think you're awful for feeling like this. In fact, I think you're a pretty great mom.
ReplyDeleteThere are peaks and valleys - in any situations. And you might easily be saying similar things on tough days with only one baby - but it would be about something else. Know you're not the only one who struggles, and that the fact that you're willing to come here and talk to us about it means you're a fabulous woman and mother. Stay strong, and stay open.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. I felt so bad for you when I read this, because we all have some guilt for something you know? I know you are working twice as hard as I am right now, but as the above commenter said, it's peaks and valleys. I feel bad that Fiona may never have a sibling sometimes. All these things, we can't control. It's leftover from infertility, I think. The lack of control that infertility creates is something that you can't ever really forget. Also, it's ok to be jealous about things too. I am still jealous of people that can just have another baby if they want to. Much love to you!
ReplyDeleteThat kind of jealousy (and I think it's probably more envy than jealousy) is soooo normal and I would be surprised if anyone in your shoes didn't feel that way from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI am a single mom by choice to 1 girl, and although I don't have twin or singleton envy, I have "easy-going baby" envy. As a newborn, my daughter was super fussy and had lots of feeding and sleeping issues, and I'm not entirely sure how I survived those early months on my own because they were so hard. I really did not enjoy being a mom at the time. I just survived.
A year later things are so much better, but I still get tired sometimes of dealing with a high-needs kid. I had thought for some reason that I would have an easy-going kid, and I was so wrong! And yet I love her to pieces and can't imagine my life without her. She is adorable and so much fun. So I feel the same guilt too, especially since she's healthy and there are so many moms dealing with health or disability issues out there too. And of course women dealing with infertility issues, which is something I'm so grateful not to have experienced.
So don't beat yourself up about feeling the way you do. Just recognize it for what it is, and don't think it makes you a bad mom!
I wish I had something smart to say, or wise, or even funny. Funny works nicely in a pinch, don't you think? But the truth is: I got nothin. I understand all about jealousy, and I can only imagine how challenging it must be to be an SMC with twins, and I sympathize.
ReplyDeleteI've missed you, and I'm sorry I've been away. I'm so happy for you, but I was too sad for me to stop by. I'm better now.
Hugs and lots and lots of sparkles.