I was warned about mother's guilt. And I have it. Big time. Forget the guilt about spending too much time with the fussier twin and not enough with the other - that guilt is small potatoes compared to the other crappola rolling around in my head.
My guilt stems from jealousy.
What am I jealous of, you ask? Big families with lots of baby help? A little. Families with a mom AND a dad? Sure, a little bit. Just like I am a little jealous of happy couples out there when I couldn't find Mr. Right. It is what it is. I expected that.
No, the real jealousy - the envy causing most of my guilt - is of mothers who only have one baby! It's true. I see moms out shopping or taking a walk with a tiny one about the age of my twins and I am immediately JEALOUS. Look at her - she's so happy, she's smiling, laughing, she probably has it so easy - she only has ONE newborn. And she probably has a husband to help her. (I always throw that one in when I'm spewing jealousy.) Oh and would you look at that - she can fit the car seat on top of the shopping cart. Hell, she can actually USE a shopping cart. To put things in. Like groceries. Or treasures from Target. And she only has to worry about getting one baby to sleep at night. Or down for a nap. Or fed. Or bathed.
Then the guilt hits me. Hard. I have been blessed with TWO children when so many cannot have even one. My boys will always have each other; they have a sibling; they have a brother. I am lucky.
I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm having a long day (or a long moment) and I wonder for a split second what it would be like with just one. Would I still be having that particular moment? Would it be so much easier? Would I actually be bored like my mother says?
After the jealous, guilty, what-if moments pass, I run to my babies and snuggle them up and kiss them all over. I AM lucky. And I know it.