I knew it was going to happen. Eventually. I mean it had to, right? With all the hormones floating about and me just being me, the time had to come where I would feel down... sad... fearful. I've had what I think is a very good, if not great, pregnancy so far especially considering I'm carrying two. Early morning sickness which wasn't too bad, being tired and extra fluid don't strike me as that bad. I know many of you have had so much worse just TTC.
The sadness started Friday when I got the results of my glucose tolerance test: Elevated. Drat. Now I have to endure the 3-hour test. While the logical part of me knows this can just happen in pregnancy, I feel like I've let these boys down. I don't have a huge sweet tooth but I admit I don't always eat enough good foods and really haven't lately. I could have done better. I should have done better. I'm trying to do better now.
Here it is Sunday and I'm still feeling down thinking I've been irresponsible and lazy with my eating habits. Not to mention my prenatal vitamins sometimes make me feel nauseous so I haven't always been taking them. I might skip a day or two here and there if I'm already feeling a tinge of yuck before bedtime (which is when I take them.) Of course I am going to be diligent now; that's for sure.
Why does it take something like a blood test with the potential to be bad to get me to do the right thing?
In other news, I had "baby school" yesterday. My mom and I attended Child & Infant CPR in the morning and then Breastfeeding in the afternoon at the hospital where I will be delivering. Both classes were pretty good but mom was tired and I was down. I was snappish and she was ditzy. Not a great combination. I booked these classes months ago and asked her if she wanted to attend and she was thrilled at the time. Not only did she forget what time the first class started, she was shocked to hear it was "all day". I was clear - these were 3-hour classes with and hour break in between. Whatever. She gets like that when's she's tired - which is alot.... which scares me... a little. Then at lunch she makes a remark out of the blue like, "I'd like, if you will allow it, to show these boys a continuity of family." What the hell does that mean? (and yes, I said that much to her dismay). The boys immediate local family - Me and Her. She's going to be staying with me around the clock in the beginning and then watching the kids at least two days per week when I go back to work. They're going to have a "continuity of family" whether I want it or not - and I do want it. Her comment came from the fact that when my nieces were small, she thinks she wasn't allowed to spend as much time with them as she wanted (a story way too long to go into here). Still. "if you will allow it..." ? Give me a break.
I had hoped I would feel better today after eleven-ish hours of sleep and a relaxing day so far at my new home cleaning and organizing. Not so much yet. It doesn't help that this expanding belly gets in my way of doing things which frustrates me. (I am a bitch for complaining about this to you, my readers. I realize this and am sorry. It's where I'm at right now.) I'm starting (really? starting? duh) to wonder how I'm going to put baby furniture together and do even simple things that require me bending up and down like loading and unloading the dish washer, changing the cat box and even taking out the trash. And the 3rd trimester doesn't even start until next week.
And don't get me started about work. My boss is "not happy" with our relationship now since he pulled the plug on the idea of me working from home which I AM ALREADY doing. We've talked a bit more - he's nervous I'm going to quit, he nervous how things are going to go when I am on leave and recognizes that while I was gung-ho to help out from home while on maternity leave, I'm no longer willing. The worst part of the whole thing is the slap in the face I feel which makes me not like my job. And this is no time for me to not like my job. Time will tell I guess. I've started to research child care options in more detail lately. I really need an idea of costs to help plan what I'm going to do when I go back to work.
That's enough whining. Thanks for letting me vent. I suspect today is a crappy day for more than just me considering it's Father's Day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.
Sorry about the glucose test. Hopefully the three hour one proves the one hour test wrong!
ReplyDeleteMy sister told me that when she was pregnant with her first the prenatals made her sick to her stomach so she took them less than she did. She's only told me cause she felt like she was a bad mommy, but I think my niece has turned out just fine. NOT saying that it's okay one way or another, just telling you about my sister's experience (since I'm not even to ttc yet.)
Ah, mothers. And pretty soon you'll be one too ;)
I think it's good to get the whining/complaining, whatever you think you need to get off your chest or out of your head is a good way to diminish the feelings and make you feel better!
I know how hard it is to eat good food for myself, let alone knowing two others are eating what I am. Sounds like pressure--but I think you are probably eating better than you think you are.
Sorry about your job--sucks that you can't do something that you have already been doing!!!!
Try to do something fun for yourself today :)
**Hugs**
Vent away, we all need our moments. I'm sorry the glucose test showed elevated and is now going to force you to take the 3 hour test. That sucks.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the baby furniture etc? You could always look on Craigslist or post an add on Craigslist for someone to do it for you. Granted I tend to be very trusting but I've found that with so many who are unemployed it's often easy to find someone to some sort of general labor for fairly cheap.
Vent away! Don't beat yourself up about eating right 'enough' and taking your prenatals 'enough'. Take them when you can and eat what you can when you can and remember that the boys take what they need first and then what is left goes to you. I'll admit here that I stopped taking my vitamins about half way through pregnancy because I was so sick all the time. I was lucky some days if I could get a few grapes to stay in my stomach.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with Moms? Mine is the same way about the 'if you'll allow it' comments. She also feels that my sister keeps her from seeing my nephew ( also a long story and not really true!). You would think they would relax a bit since our choice to be a SMC means that they don't have to share with another side of the family.
I ran out of energy just around the putting the gear together time came around. I put my friends and family to work whenever they visited. I bet most folks would be thrilled to come over and oooh and ahhhh over baby gear while putting it together.
Hang in there! You can do it!
I hope things feel a bit better soon. I think it would be strange to NOT get the blues a bit with so many changes and so much pressure. Here's to sunnier days. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about the 3 hour test. It certainly sucks - but most women pass it. And an elevated glucose level is not your fault. I learned with my GD that it didn't matter what I ate (or didn't eat) when I was pregnant, the placenta just wouldn't allow me to process insulin properly. I could have eaten nothing but spinach and broccoli since day one and my glucose levels would have been out of the water. But I'm sure you will be fine, and will pass this test with flying colours. And in the unlikely event that you don't - let me know and we can be in touch about GD, I've just been through it and it really isn't that bad. I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl (that wasn't too big either!)
ReplyDeleteAnd vent away.
Thanks for sharing what you have been going through and feeling. Probably pretty normal to feel down sometimes, as you say, with all the hormones floating around and big changes on the horizon. Sending you positive thoughts and supportive energy. As others have said, just do what you can and that is good enough. I hope you pass the test! Kristina
ReplyDeleteVent away, I got to that point too. ((hugs)). It would be nice if your boss was more accommodating.
ReplyDelete