Going Public?

Between the headache and symptoms (yay for symptoms!), I haven't been able to post.  I've had a new blog post brewing in my head for more than a week and haven't been able to make time to write it until today. 

So I am reconsidering my decision to share this blog with family and more friends. How on earth am I going to survive this journey if I can't vent to my blogging family about my IRL family?!

I'm certain this will not be the last post where I bitch about something my mother has done or hasn't done.  I love her dearly and we do get along but her mouth.... and her actions....

See for yourself:

A few weeks ago -

     Mom:  "So I told someone."
     
     Me:  "Someone?"
     
     Mom: "M." (my oldest brother who I am pretty close to who I wanted to share this news with when I was ready.)
     
     Me:  Dropped face.  "Why?"

     Mom:  "He was having a bad day and needed some good news.  But I told him to act surprised when you tell him so don't let on that you know."  Seriously, she's the parent in this relationship.
    
     Me:  sarcastically, "Right.  Keep the lie going." 

My brother has an about-to-be thirteen year-old daughter who he tells everything to.  She is all over Facebo.ok.  I really didn't want her to know and say anything on FB before I am ready to go really public.  Not to mention her mother is a kook and could put a negative spin on the situation just for kicks.  I didn't want her and her little sister to be subject to that just yet.  Not that MY reasons for not telling MY news  matter to my mom.


A week later -

     Mom:  "Oh I told C."  (my other brother, who I am not as close with but still.)
     
     Me:  "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

     Mom: "Well M. couldn't know something C. didnt' know!" 
     
     Me:  "And whose fault would that have been?"



Fast forward to last weekend and a family birthday party for my cousin's ten year-old daughter.  I decide at the last minute to tell my uncles and cousins my news.  Everyone seems geniunely happy and pleasantly surprised.  One of them asks if my brothers (who both live far away) are excited.  I say to ask my mom since she was the one who told them.  A unanimous sigh came from them.  They get it.  They see it is my story to tell, not hers.  Her remark, "Well they had a right to know."  So she acts like she didn't do anything wrong but clearly knows she did since she told M. to pretend he didn't know.  And seriously, I was 8 or 9 weeks when she told them.  It wasn't like the entire family knew except them and I was about to pop. 

We're going to brawl.  I just know it.  Not over this.  This is done and I'm trying to get over it.  It's just a reminder to me of what's likely to come.  More of her choices about my life.  Ugh.

I have some IRL friends I can vent to but I need to be able to bitch on my blog. So I will remain anonymous for now and re-publish all of my old blog posts. 


In other news:

Crinone gel - done!  Technically I could have been done last weekend - at 10 wks - but I had some left and was nervous about stopping it so I finished off what I had left.  I'm still a little nervous but happy to be done with it!


I apologize again for not commenting as much lately.  I am hoping in another few weeks I will feel better and get back to my old online self. 


Wednesday is the 1st Trimester screening and the next peek at the babies.  Can't wait.  Fabulous D will be joining me.  I'm nervous and excited at the same time.  Wish me luck!!

Happy weekend!!

Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!

I heard the babies' heartbeats today!! I've been on cloud 9 all afternoon!

Today's visit was the first with my new OB's office. I met with the nurse practitioner for about an hour going over my history and talking about future testing and visits and then she did a full exam (fun).

I had no idea she was going to try to listen for the heartbeats and it's probably a good idea she didn't tell me ahead of time because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate and answer all her questions if she had. She whipped out this little Doppler and before she could say, "it's pretty early so don't be surprised if we can't hear anything yet", I heard it. Fast and loud, Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!   Even she said, "I didn't even have to go looking!" I asked if she was sure it wasn't mine and she took my pulse and repeated back a much slower, "Thump. Thump. Thump."

She moved the Doppler to the other side of my lower ab and had to search a little, but not much, for the second one. Sure enough, Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  Whoosh!  She was fairly certain it was the other baby and not the same baby we had just heard. I did not get the heart rate but she said it sounded fast like it should. I never even thought that hearing the heartbeats would be an option today at only 9w4d.

I also got a B6 injection in the butt cheek to try to help with the nausea. Still waiting for that to kick in. If it helps, I can go in every week for a shot. Nice to have that option. She gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and some samples. She said I could continue with the OTC ones I am taking but since I am also taking a DHA supplement and apparently need a stool softener (sorry for the TMI), this one prescription will have all that plus it's more folic acid than the OTCs.

That's today's update!  Next up is the 1st Trimester screening on March 3.  It's exactly two weeks away and I think I can hold out that long since I heard life today.  I heard life today! :)

Bad Housekeeper, Bad Employee, Bad Blogger

In exactly two days, I will be at my new OB's office meeting with the nurse practitioner. TWO days. While I had a similar appointment three months ago at my old OB's office, and have an idea of what to expect, I'm still anxious.

Will I like them? Will parking be a pain? Will they be running late? Will the appointment be really long? Will I be able to SCHEDULE AN ULTRASOUND SOON?!

That last one is the real kicker. Even though I'm happily feeling like crap, I'm still on pins and needles about what's actually going on in there.

Last Saturday marked 9 weeks. It brought back some bad memories of my last pregnancy at 9 weeks. It was the day I found out my baby had died. It was the day my baby was physically taken from me. As sad as it was back then and it was again on Saturday, I'm trying to hold on to the fact that this time things are different. From the new donor, to the higher betas, to the TWIN heartbearts, to their better early growth, to the way I feel. Things this time are different. I can only hope the end results are different too.

I've been a bad girl lately. My blogging comments have been fewer, my posts obviously have been fewer. Part of that is from a headache that is exacerbated from looking at the computer screen (which is a real bummer since I stare at one pretty much all day long for my job), and part of it is the lack of energy combined with my laziness. I'm behind in my housework which is not what you want when you are about to list your house for sale. And I can't focus at work. Mostly because my pending tasks are crap ones I don't really feel like doing. Bad employee.

I'm going to try to improve all these areas.

I'm sure the good news from Wednesday's OB appointment (please, please, please) that an ultrasound will be just around the corner, will help. Here's hoping.

UPDATE: Less than a minute after I published this post, I just got a cool work project. Yay! The distraction helps a ton.

Yuckity Yuck Yuck

Definitely got my yuck on. It's reassuring.  I know it's no guarantee but if I didn't feel like crap you would reading a paranoid, anxious, freak-out post instead of this one. (lucky you -in both cases!)

I've tried the wrist bands, saltines (ugh), peppermint candy, gatorade, and ice. Yep, I said ice. I haven't read that one anywhere but ice cubes are my friend. It seems the actual act of eating or drinking is the best thing to curb the yuck and sucking on ice cubes covers both of those things. The only bad thing is the cubes eventually melt so if I fill my aluminum water bottle with ice cubes in the morning, I don't have the luxury of still having them available in the afternoon. We have a freezer at work but it's jam packed with everything BUT ice trays.

As for the super tiredness I keep reading everyone momma-to-be has, I still am not sure I have that. I'm normally tired as it is and have always loved tons of sleep so I don't find anything that different now.

I'm patiently (yeah, right) counting the days until my first appointment with the nurse practitioner at the new OB's office - eight for those who want to play along.

In other news, I met with my realtor over the weekend! I'm pretty excited to go house hunting and hope the stress of the whole process isn't too bad. She's going to send me some listings and I'll choose some I like to walk through this weekend. I'm looking forward to that. I already told her I would be bringing snacks along for the visits. But no, I won't be bringing ice.

Nerves

I made an appointment with a realtor for Saturday.  And then I couldn't sleep last night.  It's like I'm planning for this future that I'm still not sure I'll have.

Am I crazy?

Here's the thing - on the house front, IF things progress, I need to act now.  The homebuyers tax credits are in play until the end of April and I don't want to be packing and unpacking when I'm walking like a penguin.

I keep moving forward as if this will work out and then when I've had time to think about it, freak out that all this planning will cause it to fall apart.

I am crazy.

Graduation

Dr Doogie used words like 'gorgeous' and 'perfect' at my second viability scan today. Both babies are still measuring ahead of schedule - I am 7w3d but Baby A is measuring 7w4d and Baby B is measuring 7w6d. Heartbeats both look terrific. This is now the furthest along I have ever been.

Dare I say this is starting to sink in? Doogie gave me a "higher than 95% chance" both the babies would make it to delivery. Holy shit. He said he is so confident because of the way everything looks and how well they have grown in the last week. See for yourself -

It was bittersweet to leave SFC today. Dr Doogie even hugged me good-bye.

I called my new OB's office this afternoon and after some question as to whether she would accept a "local transfer from another OB", I'm in. My first appointment with the nurse practitioner is February 17th. That's more than two weeks away!!! Lucky for me, work is busy this month. Between that and the new house plans, I'm hoping the days will go by quickly.

Thank you so much for the great comments!! I think I am just now in shock because I haven't allowed myself to really believe this yet.

Decisions and Burps

It's official. I got my yuck on! And I couldn't be happier. Actually, I physically could be a lot happier but since the yuck is helping my anxiety, I'll take it. I haven't tossed my cookies but feel slightly hung-over every day. And the burping! It is non-stop. The yuck starts after I've been up for a little bit and hangs on until bed time. I'm not hungry at all and have to force myself to eat which just makes me feel bloated. I am drinking water - mostly small sips - and the act of putting food or drink in my mouth even though I'm not hungry helps with the nausea.

In other news, I think I made a decision on the new doctor. Or at least I'm leaning. I've decided to start with Doctor #1 - the woman doctor who has the small practice. I like that it's a small practice and I like the hospital she delivers at. My only concern is the other hospital has the NICU. Ultrasounds are done at the hospital she delvers at which makes me happy - it is not done in the same office park as my current OB which is what I feared. I found this on her hospital's website and it helped -

• If your pregnancy requires special care, our perinatologists—experts in the high-risk care—are on hand to consult with your physician. This on-site expertise includes ultrasound and other prenatal tests, so we can predict and prepare for every possible circumstance, even before your baby is born.

• [Our hospital] is the only community hospital with on-site perinatologists and a central fetal monitoring system linked to specialists at nearby [Big hospital w/NICU]. The [Big hospital] team includes the area's only perinatologists and neonatologist who care for premature babies and newborns with special health needs. Our link with these specialists can often keep your baby with you in the Family Maternity Center's Special Care Nursery, instead of moving the baby to another unit for this specialized care.

At the very least, I will start with her and as the pregnancy progresses, if I feel strongly that I should be delivering at the hospital with the NICU, I can change docs at that time. My current OB delivers at this same hospital and had I not wanted a fresh start with a smaller practice, I would have stayed with her and probably not thought a thing about it. Having twins does change it up a little bit but it's still early on so for now, this is the plan. I hope I don't live to regret it.

In other, other news I think I will be house hunting soon! While I live very close to where I work, it's between twenty and thirty minutes from my mom and other local family and most of my friends. I need to be closer to them. It will be easier for me to get help when I need it. Not to mention, IF I have more than one baby, my tiny house is not ideal. Assuming all goes well at tomorrow's second viability scan, I will be emailing my realtor to get the ball rolling. Even if things take a turn for the worst (please no) later on, I'm ready to move anyway.