Single Mother by Choice

Last Saturday night I went out.  As in, got a babysitter and didn't get home until 11 PM went out.  It was about the third time I have gone out at night since the twins were born, the first time I have stayed out past 9:30, and the furthest from home (30 minute car drive) I've gone.  The truth is, I haven't wanted to.  If the twins are awake and I am not at work, I want to be with them.  At night, when they go to sleep, I cherish that time to either get something done, veg out or go to sleep myself!  I've been really lucky - I get at least eight hours of sleep nearly every night.  The boys wake up early every morning but we all go to bed early at night.

I went out Saturday night to celebrate one of my closest friend's birthday.  I had a great time and only felt a twinge of guilt when I backed out of the driveway right past the boys getting pulled in their wagon by the sitter.  I knew they would have fun in my absence and would be asleep a few short hours later. 

Will I make this a habit?  No, probably not.  I was pretty tired Sunday and my budget really cannot take extra babysitting costs. 

This leads me to a potentially new development: The Blind Date. 

I was thinking of making the title of this post "What Have I Done" for agreeing to let my uncle fix me up because, seriously, what have I done?  I have zero free time - zero.   And if meeting this guy goes really badly, how weird will Thanksgiving dinner be this year at Uncle John's?  Hell, if it goes really well, how weird will Thanksgiving dinner be?  When my uncle called and uncomfortably (for him) asked me my "current situation" with respect to relationships, I blurted out "non-existent".  And, honestly, dating has been the furthest thing from my mind for the past four years.  I had one last fling with J (you can read about him in my first blog here and here) during a TTC break between miscarriage #2 and miscarriage #3.  And that was it.  Six months later I was officially knocked up with Baby A and Baby B and my life has become them and only them. 

Can it be just the three of us forever though?  I mean, sure, it can be and it will be fine if it is, but is that what I want for them?  or me?  I always said the relationship - the guy - can come later.   I didn't say he would never come, just that I wasn't waiting and I didn't need to wait for him to build a family.  Here I am, though, on the cusp of my babies turning two, and wondering how I am going to keep doing this alone and if I really want to... for them or me.

A lot of things are harder with the twins now as toddlers from when they were infants.  Some things are easier but many are not.  And I think I've talked about this before but I am limited right now to what I can do with them since it's just me.  We were invited to a picnic over Memorial Day weekend and I'd really like to go but it is nearly impossible to watch both of them at the same time (especially in a new surrounding) without help.  All the people I know going to the party have their own kids to tend to - I can't expect them to watch mine.  It's an opportunity to expose my boys to a new place, new people, a party!  And we all might miss it because they like to run in opposite directions and I am just not that fast. 

Besides the physical presence/helping aspect, I'd also like them to see a strong, positive relationship in their daily lives.  And, while I believe as a single mother I am a good role model - they see a strong, independent Mama - I think exposure to healthy, romantic relationships is important too.

But back to the date - I'm actually okay with it.  I mean, assuming the guy is interested in a blind date with a mom of toddlers.  My uncle asked my permission to give him my phone number.  He's a colleague of my uncles in his late 40s with two girls who lost his wife.  That's all I know.  Years ago, I would be obsessing about a blind date way beforehand and now, with a new set of priorities and an entirely different schedule and life style, writing this post from work is the extent of my obsession.  I don't even know the guy's name.