Drive By Post

So I couldn't be busier but blogging has been on my mind so I carved out some time today to type this quick post.  For starters, I got a new job!  After this work crap, I found a position that sounds great and I start tomorrow!! YIKES.  It's quite weird for me to be going someplace else for work after I have been at the same company for 17 years but I'm ready.  It was an extensive hiring process and took five weeks but I think my timing was perfect.  I have to admit Friday was a sad day at my old job.  Lots of tears but this is absolutely the right decision for me and my family.

In other news,the babies have gone backwards in the night time sleep department.  I'm blaming it on this -

The Dynamo has teeth!

Sweet Potato has been waking up a lot at night too and no teeth yet for him.  I feel like it's back to the newborn stage and find giving them a bottle is the only thing that calms them to go back to sleep.  And I do give them bottles before bed.  I tell ya starting a new job with no sleep is not going to be fun but what's a (single) girl to do! 

The Dynamo is a little army crawler and I got the baby gates up just in time.  He gets up on his knees and rocks too.  Sweet Potato scoots a little bit on his fanny and on his belly he goes around in circles or backwards so I think it's just a matter of time for him.  

Sweet Potato and I have swim lessons this month twice a week (unlike last session with the Dynamo where it was only once each week for eight weeks) and he seems to really like it!  I get big smiles from him all the time.

I have a lot of other posts brewing in my head and hopefully I can find (make) time to post them.  I have been keeping up with all of your blogs and I know I have a few blog awards to acknowledge.  Thank you for those!  Happy June!

A Day in The Life

...of A Single Mom to Twin Babies.

Saturday, May 14th

4:20 AM:  Awakened by rare night time cries from the Dynamo. I bring him in bed with me.
5:00 AM:  Return the Dynamo to his crib. Sweet Potato does not wake up.  Go back to bed.
6:30 AM:  Both babies awake. Morning bottles and mat time until breakfast. 
7:15 AM:  Head to the basement to feed kitty.  Make coffee!
7:45 AM:  Breakfast!  Babies in high chairs.  The Dynamo chomps on a Mum-Mum while I feed Sweet Potato oatmeal with banana mixed with pears.  Then switch.  Four tablespoons cereal each.
8:15 AM:  Clean faces and hands and wheel high chairs over to sink so babies can watch me wash baby bottles, bowls and plates and unload the dishwasher.  I sing and dance along with the radio while they play with rattles and teething rings.
8:35 AM:  Play time in doorway jumper and walker. Shoot this video -



9:00 AM:  Nap time in cribs! 
9:10 AM:  Strip my bed sheets and throw in wash along with other linens.
9:25 AM:  Straighten up play room, eat bagel, change out of my pjs, clean out storage cabinets in mud/laundry room.  Restock downstairs changing table.
10:45 AM:  Babies awake!  Mid-morning bottles which they don't finish.
11:15 AM:  Change babies out of pjs. Play time in nursery while I sort through their old clothes. Take apart, clean and box up nursery humidifier*.  Replace it with table fan. 
12:00 PM:  Lunch!  The Dynamo picks Cheerios off his high chair tray while I feed Sweet Potato chicken with rice, green beans and carrots.   Then switch.  
12:30 PM:  Play time in the exersaucer and musical sit/stand toys. 
12:45 PM:  Switch morning laundry, do a full load of twins laundry.  Hand wash the Dynamo's swim trunks and swim diaper and my bathing suit for swim class.
1:10 PM:  Read emails and blog posts.  Order diapers, wipes and this swimming pool from Amazon.com.  Eat quick lunch.  Rescue Sweet Potato who has tipped over from a sitting position.
1:25 PM:  Play time with floor toys.  Kitty joins us.  The Dynamo pulls chunks of cat fur off kitty while Sweet Potato laughs.  Kitty tolerates the love.
1:45 PM:  Afternoon naps in cribs.
2:00 PM:  Vacuum kitchen, foyer and play room floors.  Unpack box of jars of baby food, put on storage rack and take inventory.  Organize pantry. 
2:15 PM:  Babies awake?!  More play time in the nursery as I continue my clothing sort.  Generate five bags of clothes for friend of a friend who just had twin boys via a surrogate. Watch the Dynamo move around the nursery on his belly backwards; pull him out from under Sweet Potato's crib.  Help Sweet Potato practice rolling over in both directions. 
2:45 PM:  Relocate to play room (rainy day kept us indoors!).  Finish mid-morning bottles.
3:15 PM:  Switch laundry, make bed, wash bouncy seat head rests and Sweet Potato's monkey.  Drag bins of my winter clothes from upstairs to basement storage. 
3:45 PM:  More mat time; reposition babies from belly to sitting, from sitting to belly, pull the Dynamo out from under the changing table where he has backed himself into on his belly.
4:25 PM:  Read books to babies: Dr Seuss' The Things You Can Think! and There's A Wocket in My Pocket!.
5:00 PM:  Dinner!  Oatmeal with banana mixed with apples.  Five tablespoons cereal each.
5:20 PM:  Babies play on mat while I clean up dinner dishes.  Join them on the mat and fold laundry.
5:50 PM:  I have quick microwave dinner.
6:00 PM:  Babies in jammies.  They play together with blocks and Sesame Street pop-up toy and sit in front of their musical sit/stand toys.
6:30 PM:  Evening bottles.  Babies in bouncy seats watching Baby Einstein DVD.  Lights down.
7:00 PM:  Sweet Potato in crib.  Dynamo fighting sleep.
7:30 PM:  Dynamo in crib.
8:00 PM:  Clean up play room, get mail, take out trash.
8:30 PM:  Go to bed!  Catch up on news, blogs, FB on smartphone.
9:00 PM:  The Dynamo wakes up; bring him in bed with me.  Feel tip of very first bottom tooth poking through gums!
9:30 PM:  Back to his crib for the Dynamo. Back to bed for me.
11:50 PM:  Teething strikes again: the Dynamo wakes up....

Notice there are no entries for bathing either myself of the babies in my Saturday schedule.  I often stay stinky on Saturdays and only bathe the twins right now when someone else is in the house.    

Next Saturday's "Day in the Life" consists of childproofing!  I live in a split level house with no railings. Baby gates here we come.

*Switching out the humidifier with the fan was a bit premature as my heat is back on in the house!  

Update: Click Here to read a typical day in the life when the twins are six months older.

Test Driving Our New (to us) Stroller

All strapped in in the foyer -

Sweet Potato: "Let's go Mom, let's go!"

Finally making it to the driveway -

"WAIT!  We must watch every car drive by our house."

Hitting the neighborhood -

"Ah... the good life."

(In case you're wondering, the bottoms of their shoes are black from going up and down the driveway in the walker!)

Sadness

In no particular order...

• The father of a close friend of mine fell off a ladder last week and is on life support.  She and her family are deciding what the next course of treatment will be this weekend.  And her birthday is tomorrow. 
• I'm interviewing for a new job next week which has the potential to take me away from a place I have worked for nearly 17 years with many people I am close to.  
• My left eye won't stop twitching.  
• A co-worker's best friend's mother passed away yesterday.
• A friend of mine was arrested for DWI 2 weeks ago.  (I know and she knows - a horrible choice made on her part.  I still feel sad that it happened.)
• My toe still hurts from the battle with the bouncy seat. 
• This weekend will be a very sad time for many bloggers out there.
  

I hate to be a downer and I know I have so many good things in my life.  I am truly grateful.  I'm just feeling a little sad today.  I hope some happy things start to happen for those around me soon.

Battle of the Bouncy

Bouncy Seat = 1, MeAndBaby = 0

I know, I know - Momma needs a pedicure.  And a toe splint!

Moms of Teethers - FDA Warning for Baby Orajel and Similar Products

There's a new warning from the FDA regarding an ingredient found in Baby Orajel and Ambesol.  You can read it here. 

Does anyone have any other teething recommendations? I just ordered Sophie the Giraffe.

Reconnecting - Dollars and $ense of Family Building

I started blogging when I started TTC.  After eight IUIs, I was lucky enough to have a pregnancy that lasted and resulted in the births of my twins.  Since then, I've blogged about our little family and used this space to get advice about raising my sons with topics like feeding, sleeping, childcare and surviving as a single mom of two.

While I've likely lost some old readers and gained some new ones with my blog transformations from TTC to pregnancy to parenting, I haven't felt like an active part of the ALI community lately.  It's the community no one wants to be a part of -until you are.  And then you can't imagine family building without it.  (Unless you're one of those fertile, clueless, lucky ones.)

Hooray for the blog carnival hosted by Write Mind, Open Heart and Baby Smiling in Back Seat.  I can contribute to the discussion on budgeting and financial family planning and feel like an active part of this community again.   (I have some other community related posts brewing which I hope keep me connected as well.)

When I decided to TTC, I didn't think it would take two years, an infertility diagnosis, a slew of fertility drugs, and three losses before I became a mother.  But it did.  And I'm one of the lucky ones.  Cycle after cycle, I kept waiting for them to say the letters, "IVF" and for the bottom to fall out financially but they never did.  In fact, I brought up in-vitro at my WTF meeting after loss number three.  The RE said it wouldn't necessarily help me since I was in fact getting pregnant.  It would just cost more.

My story started when my gynecologist gave me a referral for the fertility center and scheduled me for a FSH test and HSG without knowing if was fertile or not.  As a 39 year-old SMC wannabe, she said the fertility center would want the tests so I might as well do them while I waited for my consultation.  They were covered by insurance with a co-pay.  My insurance company also agreed to cover the fertility center consult and ultrasounds and lab work were partially covered as diagnostic testing.  The IUIs were out of pocket.  And of course the donor sperm was my cost.  My out-of-pocket cost for an IUI was $185.  Not a typo.  That was how much each of the first four IUIs cost me without insurance.  In fact, the cost of a single IUI was one of the least expensive of all the things I paid for. Donor sperm varied between $300 for local anonymous swimmers to $600 for semi-local open identity donors.  I started with the open identity variety and when the funds ran low, switched to the locals.

In six months, I did four cycles.  Clomid and ovidrel were the only meds I used during that time.    Fortunately for me, after six months of trying, and the REs interpretation of my lab results, I was diagnosed as infertile and was able to get up to six more IUIs now covered by insurance with only a co-pay.   This was a huge help as I was now moving onto injectible medications with varying insurance coverage.  I won't bore you with the cost specifics (if you want them, email me) but while I ended up paying out more than my original budget, I'm fairly certain my costs were much less than others.

I plan to be very open with my kids about how they came to be.  That has always been the plan even before I knew how long or how much money it would take to get them here. While I can't say for sure, I hope my openness will help them to accept that while they may not have been conceived the same way their friend who lives up the street was, they were created out of love and want.  And yes, it took some money.  And that's okay. 

Money has been a touchy subject in my family. My brother went through a messy divorce and his ex likes to talk about things like child support with their young children.  He struggles financially and his kids are very aware of that.  It's a burden I don't think their young minds should have.

If my children ask me how much they cost at age 7, (and I hope that they don't), I will try to answer in such a way that takes the focus off of money and more about us as a family.  They'll already know that they don't have a daddy and that many people worked hard to help Mommy have them.  I'll tell them getting pregnant cost a lot but it was worth every penny.  If they press me, I'll compare the cost to something they know we're paying for at the time like, "Lots and lots of soccer camps."  If they ask at age 18, I'll tell them that the process to get pregnant cost more than I had planned but not as much as many families pay.  Instead of a dollar amount, I'll tell them nearly all the money in my savings account at the time.  And remind them how important it is to save money for things you want.

When calculating how much they cost, I include every cycle, every donor sample, every loss, every procedure and every medication from the time I decided to start the process to graduation from the RE to my OB.  I even include the books I bought on becoming a SMC.

I took family building one day a time.  I knew that with each failed cycle or loss, I could be done based on cost but I was fortunate enough that I saved enough to do "one more cycle" -seven more times.  I also imagined I would only have one child and that money would be the reason. When it finally worked, I was sure I wouldn't have the money to go through the process again a few years later.  I feel very lucky (most of the time!) that I had twins and my boys will always have each other.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

To My Babies: Volume 3

You're eight months old today!

Little Sweet Potato,

You are such a little flirt! You are especially happy now that your skin is mostly cleared up from the eczema. You smile all the time.  And you are such a chatterbox!!  Everyone loves to hear you "talk"!

Besides pulling off your socks which you've been doing for months, you pull off your bibs now too.  Mommy doesn't mind unless you're eating solid food - then she makes sure to put the bibs on that velcro in the back, not the side.

You just LOVE our kitty.  You get so excited when she comes in the room!  You reach out to pet her and can be a little rough but she tolerates it well.

Rolling over is still not your favorite thing but you'll do it if you need to.  You would much rather sit up on your own and do that pretty well!  Sometimes you tip over onto your side or back but not too often.

Now that the weather is warmer and we are able to get outside, you enjoy watching the cars drive down our street.   


Dearest Dynamo,

You are the one to watch for sure, always moving and rolling right off the playmat.  Mommy has been putting off really childproofing but you remind her often that she needs to do it very soon.

You love Puffs and can even put them in your mouth yourself!  Maybe not every time, but when you concentrate really hard, you manage to get one off the tray of your highchair and put it in your mouth.  Mommy let you try feeding yourself with the spoon once and you managed to get that in your mouth too but when you pulled it out, the food was still on it!  We'll try again soon though.

Waterbabies class is so much fun with you.  You still don't smile a lot while we're there but you're not unhappy.  You just take it all in and like to watch all the people.  You kick and move your arms with Mommy just like you're supposed to.  Next week we're going to try giving you an early dinner before class to see if that brings on the smiles.  

Crap Week

I've had a crappy week.  To be fair, it started off last Saturday well.  The weather was nice and I was able to get the twins outside....

Then there was a systems issue at work and I had to go in.  The twins went with me.  They were less than thrilled....

Notice the kicking action going on in the back seat?

I spent about an hour in the office and then followed up with about five hours of work from home on Sunday.  Turns out it was all for nothing.  I had to work late Monday and had a mom-moment at work - I cried when I thought I wouldn't be able to put the twins to bed.  It would have been the first time I missed that.  Luckily, I made it by 15 minutes but crying at work?  Not fun.

Tuesday was swim day for me and the Dynamo.  He napped in the morning but not in the afternoon and the class is at 5:25 PM.  He managed okay, only a little fussing and he seemed to enjoy it but was visibly tired.  The worst part of the class was when another little one - I'm guessing about one year old - started crying.  She was not happy and her mother was not helping.  That kid just did not want to be there.  I nearly started crying myself (seriously).  Mom kept trying to get her to participate and I heard the word "naughty" come out of her mouth.  Not my business, I know, but she was unhappy and she's a baby!  Sit on the side for a minute and see if she calms down and if not, take her out of there.  Naughty?  Hardly.  Tired, hungry, scared?  More likely.  It was the first time I had seen them in the class.  They finally left.  That poor kid.

Wednesday may have been the only non-eventful day of the week.

Thursday I found out they created a new position at work and hired someone for it.  This person would be taking over part of my job - a part I enjoy but I do understand and am okay with.  The kicker - she will be working for my boss and WORKING FROM HOME.  She has an eight month-old baby girl. All that crap my boss fed me about company policy?  Apparently it was a line of BS.  And I really like my boss.  To catch you up, I wanted to work from home maybe two days per week.  I would have settled for one day and I would have been happy if he said I could only do it for X number of months.  Give me something.  Show me that you appreciate the 17 years I have put in and all the work from home I ALREADY do - most of which that is above and beyond my job requirements.  Nope.  His reasons included that he was worried about other employees asking to do it, there was no policy in place, and he wanted "his staff" in the office.  I heard about this Thursday right before I left work.  My boss doesn't know that I know.  Friday I called in sick - something I never do.  I have taken so few sick days in my years there that I was able to use three weeks of sick time when I was on maternity leave with more than a week to spare.  I spent Friday morning updating my resume and applied for job online.  It's time.  It's past time.

The twins had a better day than I did on Thursday....

 

Friday was the first day in a long time where I wasn't working and didn't have to take care of the babies.  I tried sleeping in then spent all morning on my resume and cover letter.  I have a long list of things to do that I can't ever do, that still didn't get done.  So much for that extra eight hours.   I did run a few errands but the laundry, spring cleaning, yard work and spring/winter clothes sorting are still on the agenda.

The babies didn't nap well on Friday - the Dynamo napped about for about a half-hour in the morning and that was it.  He was tired and miserable all day and was a bear to put down for the night.  He slept straight through - eleven hours without a peep - but Sweet Potato had one of those up every two-ish hours night.

Which brings us to today, Saturday.  May it be the end of the crap week.  Despite the awful weather, so far, so good.

*~*~*

Sweet Potato

the Dynamo

Ungrateful Indeed

And then Grandma sends me an email like this one:

"They both woke up a bit ago and both fussy, so I changed Sweet Potato's diaper upstairs and put him on the floor while I got the Dynamo.  I changed his diaper and put him on the floor next to Sweet Potato and finished dressing him.  Well the Dynamo was crying so Sweet Potato put his hand on the Dynamo's face as though to make him feel better.  He was talking and putting his hand on his brother's face.  And Sweet Potato has started placing his hand on his forehead as though he is contemplating the world's woes.  He was doing that at lunch and I said oh poor baby and he just looked at me.  He didn't cry, just was so serious that I started to laugh out loud.  The Dynamo laughed with me.  Sweet Potato just kept looking at me as though I was so uncaring. So cute."

Yeah, I likely wouldn't get play by plays from anyone else.  And I never use the twins' nicknames outside of this blog.  I edited the email message. 

Ungrateful Daughter?

My mom watches the twins at my house three days per week while I am at work.  Among other things, she will make my coffee, feed the cat, do the twins' laundry, make my bed, and wash baby bowls and bottles*.  Many nights she helps me put the twins down and will entertain one while I bathe the other.  She'll stay until I get the Dynamo down - he usually goes to bed about thirty minutes before Sweet Potato - and then she goes home.  I pay her one-third of what it would cost if I had them in daycare or had my other babysitter watching them instead.

She's a huge help.  I'm really lucky to have her.  I'm not sure I could afford childcare if I didn't have her.

That being said, she's starting to tick me off.

When I was pregnant and we discussed her babysitting the twins, I had a few concerns.  Mainly they stemmed from my lack of experience with babies and from their to-be-determined temperaments.  I wasn't sure how hard they would be to handle for one person both emotionally and physically.  She wanted to watch them five days per week.  She would quit her part-time job (she's 72 years-old, retired, and still working part-time at a supermarket) and work for me full-time.  I knew I didn't want that.  I wanted most of her time with the twins to be "Grandma time" - fun and not work.  I wanted this for them and for her.  I also feared she would undermine some of my decisions when it came to caring for them.  Don't get me wrong - she raised three kids on her own and I value her experience.  But Grandma has a strong personality.  And she's (how do I say this nicely?) -not always open to other opinions.  We discussed my concerns and settled on her babysitting a few days per week to start.  If it was too much, we would adjust the schedule.

Up until recently, it's been really good.  There have been some minor disagreements here and there but for the most part she has deferred to me when it came to baby decisions.  And lucky for me, the twins are pretty easy going.  With the exception of the Dynamo's witching hour phase during month three (note: earlier bedtime!), I think I've been pretty lucky.

The issues have been two biggies for infants: feeding and sleeping.

Feedings:  Gram has gone with me to every well-child visit except one.  At the last two visits, she's heard the pediatrician say, "Wait three to four days before introducing new foods."  While I know this may not be necessary, I'm doing it.  Especially with Sweet Potato's skin issues.  Not only did she hear the doc say it, I would remind her -at breakfast.  What would she do?  Give them something new -for breakfast! when they just had something new the day before.  When she would tell me what they ate and I would remind her of our chat, she would say she forgot.  Or she misunderstood.  I would repeat the conversation from the doctor and ask her if she understood (nicely, I swear) and she would get defensive (typical) and say something like, "Yes. I'm not an idiot."  I let it go.

This week on Tuesday and Wednesday, the twins had a first time food - a combo jar of pears and raspberries with their cereal.  Sweet Potato's eczema looked a little worse to me.  I wondered out loud if the berries had something to do with it.  Then I said we should wait to give them the apple-strawberry-banana mixed tub** for a few days because of the strawberries - they've never had them.  What did she do yesterday?  Take out the A-S-B mix for breakfast.  Grrrr.  I caught it before I left work and took out plain bananas.  When I asked her about it she said thought she picked up bananas.  I would have been okay with that until she added, "I didn't check." You didn't check?  YOU DIDN'T CHECK?  How can you not check?

Yesterday before breakfast Grandma was feeding Sweet Potato his morning bottle.  She started to tell me a story and as she told it, pulled the bottle out of his mouth, never looking at him as she spoke.  He began to move his arms and motion towards the bottle and squeak a little.  I interrupted and pointed this out.  She got pissed and stopped talking.  She gave him back the bottle, which in all honesty, he was nearly done with, and when I asked her to continue her story she said, "Nevermind.  It wasn't important."  To which I replied, "They are always going to come first.  I will interrupt you every time.  That's not going to change."  And it's not just story telling - it's the TV, the computer, the phone.  She focuses on those things when I think she should be focusing on them.  Does she neglect them?  Never.  Would Sweet Potato make it known if he was really hungry.  You bet.  I don't care.  Pay attention to them.

Onto sleeping:  The Dynamo is a great crib sleeper.  Naps, nighttime, he's a fan of the crib.  Momma is a fan of this!  Sweet Potato?  Not a fan of the crib.  Before this week, I was getting up with Sweet Potato usually three times at night.  Once before midnight and then twice before dawn.  After a really rough night where he was up about every two hours, I decided enough was enough.  Tuesday and Wednesday night I let him CIO***.  And it's been working.

Naps in the crib were coming along with Sweet Potato not lasting as long as the Dynamo, but getting there.  Naps in the cribs for both babies has been happening twice a day AT THE SAME TIME (Yay!) for a couple of weeks with a stray off day here and there.  Yesterday Sweet Potato fell asleep in the swing.  Grandma carried him upstairs, laid him in the crib where he woke up and began to fuss  -typical Sweet Potato behavior.  She thought he "looked pitiful" so she PICKED HIM UP and brought him back downstairs.  Ugh.  She told me this in an email.  It's a good thing there were computers and miles between us.  I wrote her back and told her if I have to let him cry at night (something she agrees with), she has to do it during the day.  And that she would have been better off leaving him in the swing than laying him in the crib only to pick him up when he cries.  I feel like she's undoing some of my hard work.  And if you've done any type of CIO, you know it's hard work!

Fortunately for me, no damage was done.  Sweet Potato fussed a little last night around 9 PM, I tried to give him a bottle which he refused (rare), he went back to sleep in the crib after a few cries and didn't make a peep until 5:15 this morning!  I left him with his occasion chatter for about an hour.  (Dynamo sleeps through Sweet Potato's cries every night.  I am soooo lucky.)

Am I over-reacting?  Probably.  Part of the reason for this blog is that I get to vent, irrational or not, and get feedback from those who have been there.  I know how lucky I am in so many ways but this could be just the tip of the iceberg as the twins grow up.  I sure hope not.



*These things are an enormous help to me and she does them without me asking.  That being said, it would be okay with me if she did fewer chores and played with the twins more.
** While I admit to purchasing the combo jar of pears and raspberries, the apple-strawberry-banana tubs came in a variety box of baby food.  I'm going to purchase individual flavors for awhile so I can pick and choose.
 ***My version of CIO is letting them fuss and yell but not really cry. When they sound like they are crying enough to make tears, I go get them. 

MeAndBaby Bits

• I've decided to be a little more private and stop using the little ones' real names here.  It'll take me awhile to update old posts but from now on Baby A will be known as Sweet Potato and Baby B will be known as the Dynamo.  Sweet Potato and the Dynamo:  my little men.  :)
• The Dynamo (okay not the easiest name to type) and I had our first swim class last week.  Class #2 is tonight.  I think he enjoyed it.  At the very least, he didn't hate it.  He looked around the whole time and was very interested in watching the lifeguard.  (Mommy was not as interested as the lifeguard looked to be about 12 years old.  Come on Universe: you couldn't give me some hot college-aged guy to look at?)  There were sing-a-longs in the class and I felt like a slacker being the only one who didn't know the lyrics.  I mean if they could only sing "The Wheels On The Bus", I'd be golden.
• We finally had some warmer weather this past week.  I was able to get the twins outside!  They had a stroller ride around the neighborhood and enjoyed some tummy time on a blanket in the back yard.  They weren't as thrilled about these events as Mommy was.  But then this was their first winter and is their first spring.  They don't know any better.
• Sweet Potato's eczema is getting harder to manage.  The steroid ointment worked for a few days and then stopped working and then we would take a break from it and then try it again and it would work for a few days and then stop working. The pediatrician wrote a script for an emollient foam that my usually pretty-good insurance company would not cover because the FDA has deemed it "ineffective."  Way to go, Doc.  It's a two and a-half week wait to get in with the dermatologist and my poor little man can't stop scratching his face and head -especially at night.  Loading up on Eucerin and Aquphor is helping a little.   And he remains a pretty happy guy.  I'm thankful for that.

Quit Your Bitchin'

I thought of this post before last night.  I swear.  Because if I hadn't, after last night, I would have.  Thought of it.  Really.

I need to quit my bitching about sleep issues.  I have it easy compared to so many.  I am lucky!  I need to shut it.

Last night my 6 month-olds slept through the night.  Both of them.  THROUGH the night.  As in one slept nine hours and one slept ten.  Without waking up.  Once.

I've been catching up on some old blogs and reading some new ones, and joined a mommies message board to educate myself. I have come across many new moms who have suffered sleepless nights much worse than I have.  I have not experienced the sleep troubles these families have.  I cannot imagine going through some of the sleep troubles these families have!  I know I would do it - I would have to - but I am so grateful I don't have to.  At least right now.

I can't promise you'll never read another sleep issue post on this blog but hopefully if you do, it's a long time from now.  I plan to try to whine a little less.  I'm lucky!

To My Babies: Volume 2

Thoughtful Sweet Potato,

Not only do you pull off your socks and put your toes in your mouth, now you try to get the whole foot in there!  It's adorable to watch.

You still haven't mastered the whole rolling over thing but are starting to arch your back and lay on your side more and more on the play mat.

Our pediatrician has given the green light for whole Cheerios!  Mommy doesn't have to bite them in half and you like them as well as the banana flavored Puffs.  You'll eat Mum-Mums too but really, you could take them or leave them.  Rice cereal has been mixed in with the oatmeal and you're okay with that.  You're even okay now with the green veggies and will eat anything given to you without complaining although there is a not-so-happy face when you're fed a certain brand of pureed bananas.

We've been struggling a little with the night time sleeping but just this week, you're sleeping longer and waking up less!  And you always wake up for the day with a big smile on your face. 

Your latest cuteness trick is to kick your right leg over and over again wherever you are: in the high chair, in the crib, on the floor - "kick, kick, kick, kick!"   And the doorway jumper is getting a work out too - you bounce away in it with a look of sheer joy on your face!


The Dynamo, my Little Lover,

You have so much energy and affection.  You love kisses on your cheeks and open your mouth wide when you laugh - which is often.  There's no guessing how you feel about something be it happy or sad.

You still sleep really well at night and don't mind your crib during the day for naps.  Mommy always puts you down to sleep on your back and you're still flipping over to your tummy but usually you're okay with that and Mommy is too.  Flipping you back over just wakes you up and ticks you off and you go back to your tummy anyway.

You like Cheerios and although you can't pick them up from the tray on your high chair, if a Cheerio is in your little hand, you'll try to get it in your mouth.  Mum-Mums are a favorite and you have no problem holding them.

You like when Mommy dances around the kitchen and sings even though she doesn't always know the words and can't carry a tune. :)

To My Babies: Volume 1

Written on March 3, 2011...

My Sweet Potato,

One of your favorite things to do is pull off your socks.  It's rare to see you with both socks on.  You've just started to put your toes in your mouth and love to have your legs free from pants or sleepers. 

You don't mind being on your tummy for a short time but you haven't rolled over from tummy to back in a few months.  I think you're just not interested - eh, what's the big deal?  And rolling from back to front?  Forgetaboutit.  You will "move" around the floor though on both your belly and your back a little bit.  If Mommy leaves the room and comes back, you're in a different spot!

You started solid foods at 4 1/2 months and while not a fan of rice cereal, you open your mouth wide for oatmeal.  Your favorite puree is squash and you like carrots and applesauce too.  And don't tell your pediatrician but you really like Cheerios even though Mommy only gives them to you in soft, tiny pieces.  Green veggies are still a challenge and bananas are not your favorite. 

You were a terrific sleeper at two and three months old but once the swaddle was abandoned because you were breaking free, your sleep patterns changed.  You wake up usually three, sometimes four times throughout the night but Mommy got a rare treat a few nights ago when you only woke up once.  While it doesn't happen every day, you make up for it with three hour naps usually in the swing; never napping that long in the crib. 

You just started to really giggle and it's one of Mommy's favorite sounds!  And you seem to always be "talking".  Grandma is sure you will be the talker in the family. 

My Dynamo, 

You are my mover and shaker.  Always straining your head, neck, body to see who's here, who's talking, what am I missing?, you never seem to sit still.  

You didn't sleep well in the beginning and broke out of your swaddle early but now you are a great night time sleeper usually only waking up once and sometimes not at all.  You went through a witching hour phase for a few weeks but once Mommy figured out you needed to go to bed earlier - the moment you start your evening fuss - the witching stopped. 

Just this week, you figured out how to roll from your back to your belly in your crib!  Once Mommy found you sleeping on your belly (and turned you back over) but the rest of the time you were awake and up on your elbows with no idea how to flip back (and not very happy about it!). 

Your favorite thing to play in is the doorway jumper and the musical walker will cause you to squeal with delight!  You love to hear your own voice and shake your arms and hands when you get really excited. 

While you prefer a bottle to solid foods, you'll eat oatmeal but rice cereal causes the worst face ever.  Mommy loves to watch you "chew" your mashed up Cheerio bites and you can hold your bottle all by yourself which is a huge help when you and your brother are hungry at the same time.  You smile and laugh with your mouth wide open and I think childproofing is in Mommy's near future as you are starting to move around the play mat. 

You are more aware of people around you and where you use to greet everyone with a big smile, now you study them for a minute first and make sure they are a worthy recipient of your toothless grin. 

You've started to watch Mommy leave for work in the morning with a perplexed look on your face and when the sitter and Grandma leave at the end of the day, you watch them too.

Doing Better

Thank you for the supportive comments.  Yesterday was rough and it capped off several days/nights of roughness.  Last night I was only up twice so today is a  much better day.  I also had a visit from Fabulous D and another friend last night for some much needed girlfriend time and that always helps my mood.  And they both love to hold the twins which gave me a chance to sit at the table and eat a meal and drink a glass of wine!

When I post about how great my little family and I are doing, that night the kids are super fussy.  When I post about a rough patch, THAT night they sleep.  Go figure.  Maybe I need to bombard my blog with downer posts to keep the pattern going?  (I think not.)

I try to be positive as much as I can - even if it's just to convince myself.  Like if I feel a cold coming on, I'll tell myself over and over again that I'm not getting sick and weirdly I don't get sick.  Granted that doesn't always work - like on birth day when I was sure I was fine and the babies weren't coming yet.  I figured a little monitoring, some pain meds and I'd be sent home.  Not so much.

But I digress.

Again.

I know how lucky I am.  I have healthy, happy babies!  And supportive friends and family.

I declare this pity party over! :)

In other news....

• I have a few blog posts brewing in my head that are actually about the twins. They have very distinct little personalities and I rarely write about them.  
• Their six month check up (at age 6 1/2 months) is next Friday.  After that I will update their "Watch Me Grow" pages. 
• I've been researching swim classes.  I'm considering either taking one baby for an 8-week session and then the other baby for the next 8-week session or trying to get someone to go with me so I can take them both.  It may be easier to find a sitter for an hour or two than to get someone to get in the water with us.  I need to find out if the chlorinated water is okay for Sweet Potato's skin and do some research on swim diapers and/or swim pants first. (Anyone have any tips?  I'm considering these.) 
• Not only have I added to the twins' wardrobe recently thanks to great online sales and free shipping, I've added to their book collection too.  In honor of Dr Seuss' birthday last week, I found a bunch of his books cheap.  I'm pretty excited about this even if we don't get to really "reading" them for awhile.
• Even though it usually takes me a week to adjust to daylight savings time every spring, I'm looking forward to it this year!  It means more daylight hours with my babies and if I am able to keep their "schedule" the same, I can keep them awake a little bit later and maybe they'll sleep in a little bit later too.  That would be nicer for everyone.  

I love when people tell me how great I am doing.  It gives me a boost to get through the day.  Or through the current crisis.  Because as much as I blog relatively happy crap here, it's not all sunshine and roses.  But then you probably guessed that. 

Truth is - I'm tired.  Sweet Potato has been waking up a lot at night.  He's got eczema and he scratches his face and head.  I'm not sure if he's waking up from the itching or from his tummy being upset or if he's teething.  Or all three.  Or something else.   

I don't know and I hate not knowing.  And I'm tired.  And when he screams in my ear, it's hard.  And I cry sometimes along with him.  And then, you know, occassionally while this is going on, his twin brother will need something.  Like food.  And it becomes a double melt down.  Or, if you include me, a triple melt down.  Because, did I mention that I'm tired? 

Before you think I wish I was not parenting single, while I wish I had help overnight, I'm not missing the dad-factor.  Yet.  Because if there was a dad-factor, I would likely have a whole different slew of issues.  Knowing me.  But maybe then I could afford to take a day off from work.  And sleep.  Or something. 

But I digress. 

I'm just tired.

The First Six Months

So I have six month old babies. Me. I have babies. And they're six months old!! It's still weird for me to think that I have children. I had to pick up a prescription for Sweet Potato's eczema and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my son's prescription. Totally weird. (And by the way, his skin is so much better after only a few applications of the prescription.)

The past six months have turned my life upside down -in a good way. My priorities have completely changed, my spending habits have changed, my free time has changed, my work schedule has changed, my emotional state has changed! I don't see any of these changes as bad things.

In the past six months:

• I haven't purchased an article of clothing, a shoe, a coat, a purse, even new lip gloss for myself. (I realize if I couldn't fit into my pre-pregnancy, pre-fertility treatment clothes and shoes, I wouldn't be able to say this.)
• I spent more than half of the time not knowing what day of the week/month/season it was as it didn't really matter.
• I learned how to bottle feed two newborns at the same time with one laying on my legs with my knees up and one cradled in my arms.  
• My knees and left arm ache on a regular basis now.
• I used to go days without showering and now occasionally skip a day.
• I experienced anxiety the first few times I was away from my boys. 
• I've found some great baby purchases on craigslist and sold my dusty treadmill.
• I paid off my car loan.
• I use a coupon organizer and BJs club membership.  Budgeting is beyond important for me now.
• I added discount/savings/coupon blogs to my reader.
• I have bought and sold at a second hand children's store (including the activity gym the Dynamo is using here).
• I opened a Target credit card to save 5% on purchases including Target brand baby formula.  (Every little bit helps and I go through a lot of formula.)
• I joined Amazon.com/Moms and save money on diapers.
• I discovered new products like Oxiclean, Aquaphor and Mylicon.
• I stopped using pacifiers, a wipes warmer, SwaddleMes and blanket sleepers. (They never really took to the pacis; the warmer doesn't fit on the changing table along with them anymore; they outgrew the sleepers!)
• I watched my babies go from wearing preemie clothes to some size 12 months!
• I have a land line telephone for the first time in ten years.
• I haven't done any home improvement projects.  (This will be short lived as child-proofing is in my near future.)
• In a neighborhood I've lived in for less than a year, I've met new neighbors and watched some move away.
• I've seen generosity towards my children that I did not expect.
• I've watched my cousin and his wife raising their two year-old twins and learned some things not to do.
• I've watched my friends with their children and learned some things TO do.
• I've made some new blogging friends!  And kept some old. :)
• I've learned how to ask for help, even asking Fabulous D to bring me toilet paper. (She brought me wine and chocolate too.)
• I haven't forgotten what it was like to be TTC.  It makes me ache for my still-trying, still-waiting friends.
• I've become even more emotional especially with stories about children.
• I've made one baby trip to the emergency room. (All is well.)
• I've skipped dinner more often than I've had it.
• I haven't used my oven. (Grandma has.)
• I've rarely stayed up past 8:30 PM.
• I've rarely slept in past 7 AM.
• I've allowed my house to be dusty or cluttered with visitors!
• I stopped recording a soap opera I watched for decades.  I hardly ever watch television.
• I've changed my work schedule, forgoing a much needed pay increase.
• I've raised six month-old twin boys with the help of family and friends!  (I have been solo for overnights since month one with the exception of two or three nights.) 

And....  most importantly....  I have not regretted taking this path to motherhood for one second.

It is by far the best thing I have ever done.

Small Victories

Are you getting sick of hearing about my long nights? Because I'm getting tired of talking about them but it is my life right now. At least today I have some good news to write about - I put both babies down in their cribs last night with very little (we're talking less than a minute) fussing! I think I'm slowly learning. I've been missing the window before they get too tired when I first put them down.

For the Dynamo, I hit it spot on last night at 6:40 PM. I've never seen him go down so well and I've never put him down so early. I had started a routine of reading a book before bed but I knew he was super tired so we skipped the book. He sleeps with his Fisher Price Seahorse and I have a Glomate Junior on in the nursery too. (They don't hold the Glomate yet but I keep it on the railing of the crib and it has a 15 minute timer which is awesome.  They love to stare at it.)

Sweet Potato had a late afternoon nap - he was still sleeping when I got home from work at 5:30 - so he didn't go down until an hour after the Dynamo but I had the same luck with him - he fussed for about 30 seconds.

They both woke up for a bottle three hours after they went down and then again around 3 AM and 3:30.  If you don't count the times before 11 PM (even though I went to bed at 8:30!), they only woke up once.  I can't complain about that.

I do have another question though - my pediatrician told me at their two month check-up that at four months they would be sleeping ten hours.  He told me at the four month check-up to let them CIO and if I had to, go in the basement with a pillow over my ears!  He said once they are on solid foods, if they wake up a bunch of times during the night it is because of habit.  The most I have let them cry is 15 minutes before I've gone to get them (really only the Dynamo) and that was only once*.  He falls asleep usually within 10 minutes and I only do it when they first go down for the night or for daytime naps in the cribs**. The question is though - am I supposed to let them CIO in the middle of the night when they wake up?  Because that is really where my problem has been.  And they don't eat as much in the middle of the night.  They guzzled about seven ounces before 11 PM but the 3 AM feedings were closer to four ounces.  Am I supposed to wean them off that feeding?  Or rather "those" feedings on the nights where they are awake more than once after midnight?


* On this night, I rocked the Dynamo in the dark in the nursery with a bottle and he fell asleep after drinking one and a-half ounces.  
** The majority of the daytime naps still take place in the swings and bouncy seats but I've been bringing them up to their cribs during the day as much as possible. 

Five

The number of times I was up last night feeding a baby: five. :(

Update - Sleeping and Eating

First of all, thank you for all the helpful comments on my sleep-seeking posts. And I LOVE hearing from lurkers!

I read the "Healthy Sleep Habits.." book when I was pregnant and then the babies came and... well? I pretty much forgot most of it. Especially because they were doing so well in month two. And in those early days, who had time to read! Hell, even now, who has time to read? :)

As for the naps, I am all for them. Really I am. I admit I did attempt to keep Sweet Potato awake in the middle of the day for a few days when his brother was awake to keep the pattern that had already started going but I have stopped doing that. My mom and I also questioned whether we should wake him one day at 4:30 PM so he would be ready for the nighttime routine but yesterday I let him sleep from 1 PM to 4:45 PM.

And he slept eight hours last night! (His brother woke up once around 4 AM.)

But back to the book. I dug it out Friday night and Saturday morning started implementing some of the techniques. The Dynamo fell asleep in his bouncy seat around 9 AM and I left him there but when Sweet Potato started getting sleepy about 10:30, I took him up to his crib. He fussed for a bit and then slept until 12:45 PM. That's the longest daytime nap in a crib yet. In the afternoon, each baby slept in his crib for about 45 minutes but not at the same time. (They sleep in the same room.) Yesterday I couldn't get them in the cribs without some serious fussing and couldn't get Sweet Potato to nap at all in the morning. When he fell asleep in the swing at 1 PM, I let him stay there as long as he wanted.

Last night I put them both down drowsy just before 8 PM. The Dynamo screamed. In the past when I've picked him up red-faced and screaming, he stopped so I knew that's what he wanted. He was bathed, fed and dry. It went on for ten agonizing minutes. And then it stopped. I was in shock. I hope I can be as strong tonight.

Regarding the feedings, cereal is still not a favorite of either baby but I *think* they're getting used to it. Sweet Potato had what I thought was a good amount of cereal last night, then an hour or so later had a 6 oz bottle and then at 10:30 had another 6 oz bottle. And this kid is usually not a big eater. Maybe food begets food? He slept eight hours and then took only 3 1/2 oz this morning.

Oh and we are on the Target brand formula! The Enfamil ran out late last week. I haven't noticed a change at all. We started the cereal with Enfamil and they were eating that for about ten days before I switched to Target brand. I only wish I had switched sooner.

Thanks for the tips and keep them coming! Stay tuned for more sleep adventures.

Sleep Seeking Part 3

To continue where we left off, Baby A and Baby B were wonderfully sleeping through the night at about two and a-half months and a few weeks later started waking up again like they were fresh out of the hospital. This just so happened to coincide with my full-time return to work. Lucky for me I am a pretty good sleeper and even getting up a whole bunch of times throughout the night, I am able to go right back to sleep. Another bonus is just shy of the three month mark, I switched to the number 2 nipples and the feedings that used to take about forty minutes dropped to twenty.

Before I start to complain (cuz it's coming), let me say I am a lucky, lucky girl. I get to work from home two days per week (although that's ending soon) and I have full-time childcare in my home so I don't have to take the babies out in the dead of winter to daycare. My mom watches them three days per week and Fabulous D's mom watches them two days. Let me say it again: I am a lucky, lucky girl.

On the days when I work from home, I literally start my day fifteen minutes before I have to work. My office is in the basement and I am trying to win employee of the month while I'm home* so I barely head upstairs except to pee, get coffee, repeat. I get to play with the babies through my lunch hour and see them the minute my work day ends. This makes for a very happy momma. As much as I hate to leave them the mornings I go into the office (they are so happy in the mornings!), I like getting out of the house and seeing my co-workers.

Okay, so back to the sleeping -or in Sweet Potato's case, the no sleeping. We started cereal last week. It hasn't gone well -

He would much rather do this -

And the Dynamo prefers this -

I tried the rice for a few days and then the oatmeal and Grandma tried mixing the two together. The Dynamo will eat it but he's not happy about it and Sweet Potato will push the spoon away from his face in defiance. I've been mixing it in a bottle with the formula (still on Enfamil until it runs out), and cut a bigger hole in the nipples and that has been helping.

In fact, two nights ago the Dynamo slept nine and a-half hours straight!!

His brother did not.

But the Dynamo slept nine and a-half hours straight!!

His brother was awake every TWO hours. Sigh.

Last night the Dynamo woke up once and Sweet Potato woke up three times. Today, fortunately a work-from-home day, Momma is a tired mess.

When my mom saw me this morning she knew how the night was. She suggested cutting their naps shorter during the day** and I said with no emotion, "No naps. No more daytime naps. Ever." (kidding of course).

Then the Dynamo smiled with his mouth wide-open and I was suddenly awake and smiling too.

I plan to keep trying the cereal, first with a spoon and then in the bottle. It has to get better, right?


* I'm hoping if I kick-ass while working from home, my boss will let me keep doing it. It doesn't look promising though.
** The twins are not really on a schedule but usualy sleep for one and half to two and sometimes three hours in the morning around 9 AM and then one or two hours around 2 PM.

Baby Formula Question

Does anyone use store brand baby formula and if so, have you switched from Enfamil to it and how did it go? The twins have been on Enfamil Gentlease pretty much since birth but I want to switch to something cheaper. They were put on Gentlease at the doctor's request to supplement breast milk when I was nursing. He said it was okay to take them off Gentlease now if I wanted to but I'm not sure what to switch to. I've read online that Target and Walmart brands have basically the same ingredients as the Gentlease.

I also got the green light (actually the yellow light, the recommendation is to wait) to start rice cereal and I'm almost out of the Gentlease so I'm also concerned with adding cereal to their diets at the same time as switching formula.

Advice from all my expert mom friends greatly appreciated! :)

And the short version from yesterday's checkup is all went well!

Sleep Seeking Part 2

First off, thank you so much for the supportive comments! They truly help! So I wrote the sleep seeking post Saturday and that night my mom decided to spend the night. She stayed with me overnight for the first four weeks after the twins were born and has spent the night a handful of times since then but she's never taken care of the babies on her own at night before.

The original plan was not for her to take care of the babies on her own, or at all for the overnight (she decided the stay because it was snowy), but when Sweet Potato woke up at midnight and she happened to be awake she offered to take the baby monitor. Big mistake Grandma! I jumped at the chance to get more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep and I say that because although the twins were going about three hours at a time, they were on different schedules so I would be getting up about five times a night. (Sweet Potato up at 12:30 and 3:30; the Dynamo up at 1:30 and 4:30 = Momma up at 12:30, 1:30, 3:30, 4:30!)

I told Grandma my nightly nursery routine - no lights on, no talking except a few whispers, don't even change a diaper if you can help it. Basically hungry baby cries, make bottle in upstairs bathroom, feed baby by nightlight in the nursery, burp baby (if possible), put baby back in crib, sleep! This works for me and amazingly the babies don't usually wake each other up. (I change a diaper at least once during the night though.)

Well Grandma is a very light sleeper. And a bad sleeper meaning when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she's up for hours. I am a good sleeper (fortunately) and can go right back to sleep after I've been up for a twenty or thirty minute feeding.

Grandma was up ALL NIGHT. Momma got six and a-half straight hours of sleep!

When I got up at 7 AM, it was only after she brought the monitor back in my room for the Dynamo because she and Sweet Potato had been DOWNSTAIRS in the playroom since 5 AM. She was afraid Sweet Potato would wake up the Dynamo. She said to me, "those kids are noisy at night." Well, yeah, if you have the baby monitor by your head (which she did), you're going to hear them breathe, and chatter, and move a little bit in their cribs. And the cat was bugging her too but she said was too tired to get up and kick her out of her room and close the door. Okay, daaaaaa. OH and the feedings? Not counting the midnight feeding I did, each baby was awake for a feeding ONCE. So she was up all night listening to them breath (and hum - Sweet Potato hums when he sleeps - so cute) and dealing with the cat who wanted to snuggle in her bed.

So Grandma was a cranky, tired mess on Sunday instead of Mommy and couldn't wait to go home. I felt really bad because I should have known better but my sleepy self was thrilled to have a night-time break. Of course she didn't listen to my routine and their feedings and naps (which are far from on schedule anyway) were really screwy on Sunday.

Sunday and Monday nights were a little bit better for me - I think I was only up three and four times.

Off to the pediatrician today! Wish me luck. Sleep Seeking Part 3 coming soon.

Desperately Seeking Sleep

So when the twins were born, they were a little small and a little early and they slept A LOT.  I was thinking this motherhood thing was pretty easy.  As they got a little bit bigger, they stayed awake a little longer and we got to play!  Such fun.  At about two and a half months of age they were sleeping eight to ten straight hours at night!  Ah, the good old days.  Now, a little over four months old, I'm lucky if I get four hours at a time.  And this time around the frequent wake up calls are hitting me harder.  Perhaps I was still on a new baby high when they were newborns, waking every three hours, but now it's kicking my ass.  It doesn't help that this past week was my first week back to work full-time.

It's odd to me how they are waking up so much now.  I imagine they could be more hungry but they don't guzzle down their formula any faster and don't take full servings each time they wake up.  We have our four month checkup next week so I hope I can get some answers and the green light to start rice cereal.  

Times like this - when I am utterly exhausted - I wonder how on earth I am doing this.  The truth is without the help of my friends and my mom, I wouldn't be.  I feel like I'm barely functioning as a mother and imagine it getting worse as they get bigger.  I'm weepy and snappish, have dark(er than usual) circles under my eyes and my hair is still falling out since their births nineteen weeks ago.  

Then Sweet Potato smiles his crooked smile at me and the Dynamo squeals with delight.   And I'm not tired anymore.  And the doubts are buried.  For awhile.

* * * * *

One year ago I found out I was officially pregnant with a beta of 422 at 14dpiui!  (You can read about it here.)

Who would have thought a year later I would have this....

Trying out the new highchairs!

  

"Dude, I was here first."

  

The Dynamo lovin' the Bumbo.

  

Sweet Potato asleep at the wheel.

  
 As exhausted as I am, I wouldn't change a thing.  :)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!  May 2011 bring you as much joy and happiness as 2010 has brought me...  

Sweet Potato and the Dynamo, Christmas Day 2010

I'll be back to work full-time next week and will be in front of a computer on a regular basis which means more time to post! ;)

Mother's Guilt

I was warned about mother's guilt.  And I have it.  Big time.  Forget the guilt about spending too much time with the fussier twin and not enough with the other - that guilt is small potatoes compared to the other crappola rolling around in my head. 

My guilt stems from jealousy.   

What am I jealous of, you ask?  Big families with lots of baby help?  A little.  Families with a mom AND a dad?  Sure, a little bit.  Just like I am a little jealous of happy couples out there when I couldn't find Mr. Right. It is what it is.  I expected that.

No, the real jealousy - the envy causing most of my guilt - is of mothers who only have one baby!  It's true.  I see moms out shopping or taking a walk with a tiny one about the age of my twins and I am immediately JEALOUS.  Look at her - she's so happy, she's smiling, laughing, she probably has it so easy - she only has ONE newborn.  And she probably has a husband to help her. (I always throw that one in when I'm spewing jealousy.)  Oh and would you look at that - she can fit the car seat on top of the shopping cart.  Hell, she can actually USE a shopping cart.  To put things in.  Like groceries.  Or treasures from Target.  And she only has to worry about getting one baby to sleep at night.  Or down for a nap.  Or fed.  Or bathed.  

Then the guilt hits me.  Hard.  I have been blessed with TWO children when so many cannot have even one.  My boys will always have each other; they have a sibling; they have a brother.  I am lucky. 

I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm having a long day (or a long moment) and I wonder for a split second what it would be like with just one.  Would I still be having that particular moment?  Would it be so much easier?  Would I actually be bored like my mother says? 

After the jealous, guilty, what-if moments pass, I run to my babies and snuggle them up and kiss them all over.  I AM lucky.  And I know it. 

On demand feeding?

So I'm trying something new:  During the day, I feed them every time they're hungry.

What this means is that they eat anywhere from two to three ounces of formula (they decide how much; I make at least 4 oz each) and then they're hungry again about two hours later, sometimes sooner.  I'm thinking the moms out there reading this think I'm crazy.  And I probably am but believe it or not, this has helped calm our daytime routine. They split their time playing with mommy or sleeping between feedings.

I was holding them off for at least three hours but then they would all of a sudden be really hungry and - really hungry at the same time.  When I don't have help, this routine is tough.  Crying, hungry babies while I scramble to have bottles ready and feed them both is not a happy scene.  I end up propping one of them with the bottle and someone has to wait awhile to get burped.  And I've always fed them as much as they will take.  When they eat six ounces at one feeding, I know it will be awhile before they're hungry again.  Unfortunately, they don't take six ounces at once very often whether it's been two hours or four since they ate last. 

Lucky for me the night-time routine is pretty good.  After I get them down (and the Dynamo is often fussy right before bed time - this started before the on demand feeding), they go anywhere from four to six hours before waking up!  And they usually eat between four and six ounces at night.  I'm still up about four times each night because they are on different schedules (up with K, two hours later - up with E, repeat), but it means I get one-on-one time with each baby without the other one interrupting.

And I have fat, happy babies!  They are at least 10 pounds each now (I'll get an official weigh-in at tomorrow's two-month doctor's appointment) and they have chunked right up!  I mean these kids have like five chins!  See for yourself -

The Dynamo

Sweet Potato

I am curious your thoughts on our feeding routine.  It's only temporary.  And if you have some other suggestions, I'm open to them!  Everything is trial and error for me.

Pictures

The twins wanted to say hello to my bloggy friends!

Sweet Potato

The Dynamo

And, as if on cue, after I posted yesterday how I was managing, they both decided to be super fussy!  Today is a better day so far.  :)

Doing It

It's early - Sweet Potato is still asleep in the nursery and the Dynamo is in the kitchen with me in his car seat.  The house is quiet and times like these sometimes bring me back to what it was like before they were here.  I would sit at this kitchen table, my pregnant self (I moved into this house when I was 5 months pregnant), and wonder how life would be when they came.  Now that they're here, the house says "family" with rooms full of baby stuff and everything around me reflecting them.  Whatever I wondered back then is no comparison to how it really is.  And I mean that in a good way.  My heart is full.  All those cliches are true.  There is no greater love.

Fabulous D calls me a calm mother.  I think she's right but the twins have made it pretty easy so far.  They've only in the past week or so started fussing at more than feeding times (and sometimes doing it simultaneously which is a bigger challenge) but so far, I'm managing.  It's when I'm away from them that the anxiety sets in.  I mean sure, I miss them but when I'm in the car or in the shower or some other brief time when we are apart, it's more than missing them - it's oh-my-god-I'm-responsible-for-these-two-little-lives. 

Only recently has it hit me how my life has changed.  I've been so focused on my routine and staying somewhat organized (my method of survival), that I haven't really taken the time to think about what I have accomplished.  Sure, it took two years to get here (a blink of an eye in the IF world), and it wasn't easy, but holy crap, I'm a mother.  And - I'm doing it.  Who would've thought?  I sure had my doubts.  And I know it's early - they're only 7 weeks old - and the other shoe could drop at anytime.  And I could lose my mind.  But right now?  Right now, so far, I'm freakin' doing it.  Without pulling my hair out.  Without large doses of alcohol.  And no one is more surprised than me.