Work Vent

I'm having a really hard time with my job.  (I almost typed that I hate my job but the only thing I really hate is the word hate so I don't want to misuse it.)   There are some petty dislikes I could live with if it weren't for one big one that I can't get past: the schedule.  Not only is there an on-call rotation (more on that below) but there is another rotation in the mix that could cause me to have to go into the office off-off hours (3 AM - 11 AM for example) and it's the sort of thing that is planned last minute - as in the day before.  Yeah.  That really doesn't work for a one-parent family.  Not to mention they never told me about this second rotation during my lenghty interview process.

At my last job I was always on-call.  They outfitted me with a laptop and cell phone and paid for my high-speed Internet access at home (I really miss those perks), but the on-call at the old company was nothing like the new company.  At the new company, it's fix it right now, immediately and hey, we screw up a lot so you will have A LOT of work to do when you are on call.  No plans away from home that entire week as you need to respond within fifteen minutes. Which sucks big time because I'd really like to enroll the twins in a Saturday morning toddler soccer program this fall and I can't.  I will be on-call once during the session.  At the last job, if it was off-hours, I usually had until the the start of the next day or all weekend for weekend issues.  I rarely had to go into the office to fix something on the weekend and I was the only one on-call for my department. 

I have never had a problem finding a job.  In my twenties I quit a job and moved to a new town before I had a new one.  And I had a new one within three weeks.  When I decided to leave my last job, the one I have now was found very early in my search and was the only one I interviewed for.  Now I am a parent with more responsibilities.  And the job market is not the same as it was twenty years ago.  I can't just quit.  I mean, I could and go to a placement agency but if I was to find something, it probably wouldn't pay the mortgage and the sitters and the grocery bill all totaled up.  As it is now, I am barely squeaking by and have to transfer money from my savings account to cover my monthly bills - a lot. 

I really like the new company's core values, community involvement, diversity and they are very family friendly.  If I could get into another department where there is no after-hours work involved, I think I could be very happy there. Unfortunatly, you need to be with the company a long time first and there are only two other departments that don't require after hours work. 

I think about this all the time.  And I dread going to work.  Even after maternity leave and spending almost four months with my babies, I didn't dread my last job like I do this one.  I've been looking for a new job.  A lot.  I even met with a placement agency.  Unfortunately, I know a little about a lot of things but not a lot about just one thing - which is what they look for.  Argh.

Mid-Summer Highlights

I had the first week of July off from work to spend with friends and attend a wedding.  Here are some of the highlights from that week:

• A close friend who I had not seen since the 2ww for Beta with the twins (I wrote this post from her house the last time we were together) came to visit and stayed with me for a few days.  It was so great spending time with her.  I wish she never moved away.
• I went out three nights in a row which makes the number of times I've gone out at night since the boys were born about four.   
• On the 4th of July, Sweet Potato fell into a pool. We had been sitting on the steps going into the pool but it was still scary as hell. Thankfully, my mommy instincts kicked in and I yanked him out by his legs. He didn't swallow any water.
• On one of my nights out (see second item above), my mother CUT THE DYNAMO'S HAIR without my consent or knowledge.  And then didn't tell me about it.
• One of the pipes under my kitchen sink burst. My awesome handyman, who hates plumbing, fixed it on the same day.
• I went to a fun wedding with some close friends who I hadn't seen in a long time. 
• The twins attended their second ever parade and second ever trip to the zoo.  Although insanely hot during the parade, I would classify both events as a success.
• Worth repeating: my mother CUT THE DYNAMO'S HAIR without my consent or knowledge.

In other news: remember this guy?  I won't be surprised if no one does. I heard from him again last week.  We spoke about a year ago and maybe one time before that since the babies were born.  Nothing much there to report - there was some talk of going out to dinner but it hasn't happened.  The reason that I'm bringing him up is that in our messaging back and forth, he reminded me that I am a SMC.  Which is perfectly fine but I guess I sometimes forget. I mean I never forget that I run a one-parent household but I don't often think of how we got that way.  At least not right now with the twins being so young. 

Here's some excepts from our messages:
J:  So tell me, do you think U chose the right "guy"?
Me:  ?
J:  Only time will tell
Me:   I don't understand the question.  Seriously.  (I really had no idea what he was asking)
Me ~3 minutes later:  Ohhh, the donor?
J:  Yes, duh! :)))
Me:  I don't even think about it.
J:  :)
Me:  I forgot how old fashioned you are
J:  I'm not, I was just wondering if you ever think it
Me:  He's my hero
J:  That's GREAT! I am really happy 4 U!
Me:  Thanks!
J:  You always did have your shot together. :)
Me:  A lot of good that did me when it came to you
 
Oh and speaking of going out on a date (something I have not done in three years and the last one was with J), that blind date guy?  Yeah, he never called.  Oh well!

In other, other news, I'm planning a non-party birthday party for the twins 2nd birthday.  Just us and some close friends who are regularly in the boys' lives.  All those family members we only see once or twice a year?  Not so much.  Maybe I'll change my mind next year but until my boys can tell me who they would like to spend time with, I'm choosing who I think they enjoy being with the most.  A big party for adults (who are not necessarily my favorites) with bigger kids my kids barely know who overwhelm them?  I'll pass. 

And in case you missed it, while I was out one night, my mother CUT THE DYNAMO'S HAIR without my consent or knowledge.  I'm thinking this may deserve a post in itself.  I bet you can hardly wait.

21 Months and 1st Parade

I had 5 glorious days off from work for the holiday weekend and had an awesome time with the twins. There are some long weekends, hell there are some short weekends, when I can't wait to go back to work so I can have a baby break but not this time. The weather was awesome, the water toys, pool and sprinkler have been in full force and the boys have loved it!

We went to Fabulous D's son's soccer game one night and Sweet Potato was on the edge of his stroller seat watching most of the time except for in this picture -

The bling on his wrist is his super cool medical bracelet for his food allergies.

We went to that picnic I talked about in the last post.  A fenced in back yard sealed the deal! 

Dismantling the yard games.

On Memorial Day, the twins attended their first parade.  It was a great success!

It was really hard to come back to work. The boys are verging on the terrible two's and I see signs of that already sometimes but for the most part, this age has been a whole lot of fun!

Single Mother by Choice

Last Saturday night I went out.  As in, got a babysitter and didn't get home until 11 PM went out.  It was about the third time I have gone out at night since the twins were born, the first time I have stayed out past 9:30, and the furthest from home (30 minute car drive) I've gone.  The truth is, I haven't wanted to.  If the twins are awake and I am not at work, I want to be with them.  At night, when they go to sleep, I cherish that time to either get something done, veg out or go to sleep myself!  I've been really lucky - I get at least eight hours of sleep nearly every night.  The boys wake up early every morning but we all go to bed early at night.

I went out Saturday night to celebrate one of my closest friend's birthday.  I had a great time and only felt a twinge of guilt when I backed out of the driveway right past the boys getting pulled in their wagon by the sitter.  I knew they would have fun in my absence and would be asleep a few short hours later. 

Will I make this a habit?  No, probably not.  I was pretty tired Sunday and my budget really cannot take extra babysitting costs. 

This leads me to a potentially new development: The Blind Date. 

I was thinking of making the title of this post "What Have I Done" for agreeing to let my uncle fix me up because, seriously, what have I done?  I have zero free time - zero.   And if meeting this guy goes really badly, how weird will Thanksgiving dinner be this year at Uncle John's?  Hell, if it goes really well, how weird will Thanksgiving dinner be?  When my uncle called and uncomfortably (for him) asked me my "current situation" with respect to relationships, I blurted out "non-existent".  And, honestly, dating has been the furthest thing from my mind for the past four years.  I had one last fling with J (you can read about him in my first blog here and here) during a TTC break between miscarriage #2 and miscarriage #3.  And that was it.  Six months later I was officially knocked up with Baby A and Baby B and my life has become them and only them. 

Can it be just the three of us forever though?  I mean, sure, it can be and it will be fine if it is, but is that what I want for them?  or me?  I always said the relationship - the guy - can come later.   I didn't say he would never come, just that I wasn't waiting and I didn't need to wait for him to build a family.  Here I am, though, on the cusp of my babies turning two, and wondering how I am going to keep doing this alone and if I really want to... for them or me.

A lot of things are harder with the twins now as toddlers from when they were infants.  Some things are easier but many are not.  And I think I've talked about this before but I am limited right now to what I can do with them since it's just me.  We were invited to a picnic over Memorial Day weekend and I'd really like to go but it is nearly impossible to watch both of them at the same time (especially in a new surrounding) without help.  All the people I know going to the party have their own kids to tend to - I can't expect them to watch mine.  It's an opportunity to expose my boys to a new place, new people, a party!  And we all might miss it because they like to run in opposite directions and I am just not that fast. 

Besides the physical presence/helping aspect, I'd also like them to see a strong, positive relationship in their daily lives.  And, while I believe as a single mother I am a good role model - they see a strong, independent Mama - I think exposure to healthy, romantic relationships is important too.

But back to the date - I'm actually okay with it.  I mean, assuming the guy is interested in a blind date with a mom of toddlers.  My uncle asked my permission to give him my phone number.  He's a colleague of my uncles in his late 40s with two girls who lost his wife.  That's all I know.  Years ago, I would be obsessing about a blind date way beforehand and now, with a new set of priorities and an entirely different schedule and life style, writing this post from work is the extent of my obsession.  I don't even know the guy's name.

Popping in to Say HI

So, really?  Has it been almost two months?  I won't say I've been busy.  Everyone's busy.  I've chosen to do other things with my time besides post.  Which is sad, really, because I love this community and don't want to lose touch with it.  Not to mention this is the only place where I document some of the twins' milestones.  And I haven't even really done that.   Bleh.  As it is, I'm writing this post from work.  From a job I've been at nearly one year where I still feel brand new (clueless) and where I like less about it than I don't like. 

The twins are twenty months old.  They are little BOYS.  I don't think I can call them babies anymore.  They don't have a lot of words yet but still manage to communicate and they understand a lot.  They are a bit more demanding than when they were infants (if you can believe that) since they get into everything -including the oven! (technically not inside the oven, but opening it and playing with the racks.)  Some things are easier now and some things (like finding time to take a shower!) are not. 

I'm toying with the idea of sending them to a child care center two days per week.  I want them to have more socialization and exposure to activities that I don't have the time or skills to show them. (crafts anyone?)  I definitely want to do this for at least pre-school when they turn three but maybe sooner. Cost is a huge factor as part-time day care will stretch my already tight budget at least another $100 per week.  Sweet Potato's food allergies adds another layer of concern.  And my preference so far has been to spend every waking moment with the boys (theirs and mine) that I can but I'm starting to feel okay about going out to dinner or having a few hours during a weekend day to get some things done or have personal time.  We will see.   

That's all I have for now.  Oh that, and some photos!




Sweet Potato after playing in the dirt.

The Dynamo after I asked him to show me his teeth.

Sticking out their tongues!



Dear Blogger

I miss you!  I'm really missing blogging and my bloggy friends!  I have been so busy, I have not found time to post.  Or to comment on other blogs.  I am reading your blogs and thinking of my online friends a lot.  I hope to find some posting time soon. 

Snow!

We finally got some snow in western NY last weekend!

Of course it all melted but it snowed again this morning. I'm hoping to get their sleds out soon! Fingers crossed.

No Good Approach - Update

Thank you for the feedback.  I don't know what I would do without my readers.

What I should have written in my last post is that I think my mom is great with my kids.  She sings with them, dances with them, makes them capes out of blankets, puts socks on their heads, reads them books, cooks for them, and takes them for short walks in their wagon.  The twins and I are very lucky to have her in our lives.

Tuesday when I got home from work, the tension was buried.  Grandma and I chatted about the kids and the day's events, and she offered to pick up some egg-free waffles for me at the store.  All good but not forgotten by either of us.  The fact that we have to see each other and speak to each other because of the twins is a plus in this situation.  We can't completely avoid each other.

Wednesday afternoon, I sent her an email.  It cleared the air.  For now.  She took my (poorly approached) question as pointing out a mistake.  She tends to take things personally no matter who she's talking to.  I reiterated that I was curious, acknowledged that I could be wrong about the boys misunderstanding her, and told her that I will continue to wonder about a lot of things.  I said that we have to be able to communicate.  She agreed and told me not to be afraid to bring things up in the future.  It's a step in the right direction.   

I'd also like to add that it's difficult to detect (or perhaps for me to describe) tone in a post.  The tone of the start of the conversation with my mom on Tuesday morning was light.  I was delicate because I know she can be insecure and get defensive easily.

In response to comments:

I know in a day care setting I won't be there to see how things are done.  It's not only possible but probable that some things would be done differently than I would do them.  Hopefully for the better but possibly not.  If it's something that I think matters, and I witness it or hear about it, I will probably question it.  I would think (hope!) the day care teacher could have an adult conversation with me about it.  Would I question a teacher who was playing that "Don't Smile" game?  No.  I don't feel so strongly about that where I think that would be necessary.  I said it to my mom as a question; it was me wondering. There's no other adult in my house or in my life on a daily basis for me to bounce things off of.  And I'm a bouncer.  I like to analyze and talk things out and I question things as part of my process to understand.  It doesn't rule me; I take bits of advice that seem to make sense and that work for my family, combine them with my instincts as a new mom and hope for the best.  I don't lose sleep over it.  Not yet.

Lindsey, you brought up some great points. Your comments gave me the push I needed to clear the air.  I do know how lucky I am to be able to have the twins spend time with their grandma.  I know she won't be around forever, (she'll be 73 in March), and that there is a place for silliness.  I'm on the fence about sarcasm in the boys' lives right now but the real issue is our lack of ability (mine and hers) to talk about things.  Also, one reason why I am considering some child care outside the house is because, unlike Fiona, the twins don't have regular exposure to other kids or a variety of activity.  Their little circle consists of me and my mom, the sitter, my cousins, aunts and uncles who they mostly only see on holidays, and visits from my friends -some with kids, most without, none with small kids.  (And their mama is NOT crafty or creative. Unlike you. :))

If/when I change the child care routine, it would be one or two days in a classroom setting (or one or a half day more with the sitter).  This would probably equate to one less day at most of Grandma watching them.  She would still spend almost as many waking hours with the twins as I do.  Chances are because of Sweet Potato's allergies and the cost of child care/pre-school, they probably won't be going anywhere until they're old enough for UPK. 

I don't think this topic is closed by any means.  Unfortunately, for my readers, I will likely complain about my mother again.  I do feel better today about my relationship with her than I did yesterday.  Time will tell.  Thanks for listening!   It really does take a village.

No Good Approach

I'm not going to apologize this time.  I'm not going to call myself ungrateful.  I know how lucky I am that she helps me.  I know I would be more broke than I already am, be more anxious, be sleeping less, and have more to do at home if she wasn't helping me.  I am not sorry this time.  I am grateful.  I am also frustrated.

This morning I got into another disagreement with my mother.  I knew it would happen.  I wanted to talk about something she was doing that I didn't like.  I debated bringing it up but it's been happening for awhile.  I ignored it at first thinking it would pass.  It didn't and it bugs me.  Sometimes things bug people for no good reason.  I realize that.  And the longer I waited to say something, the more it would bug me. I debated as I was getting ready for work listening to her interact with the babies (and use this phrase) the best approach to use to bring it up.  Clearly I picked the wrong one. I asked her to not say -wait, I didn't even ask; I approached it as I was wondering if- something she was saying to the twins was confusing.

Me:  "So I was thinking about something.... "
Her:  "Uh oh (funny). What?"
Me:  "Do you think when you say 'Whatever you do, don't smile!' to the boys, it is confusing?  We are saying "don't" but laughing and encouraging them to smile."
Her:  "No!  The Dynamo knows exactly what I mean!"
Me:  "Really?  You think he gets that you are trying to get him to keep a straight face?  We use the word don't when we don't want them to do something.  Now it's being used and when they do the opposite, we laugh." 
Her (defensively):  "Fine.  I won't say it anymore."
Me:  "You don't have to get defensive."
Her:  "Yes, I do.  They're not stupid!"  (Can I just add that I LOVE when she makes remarks like this.)

I left for work and she was clearly mad at me.

This is about more than what she was doing.  This is also about how she and I communicate with each other.  If we can't communicate, it's going to put a big(ger) strain on our relationship.  As the twins get older, there are going to be more things I want done (or not done) a specific way.  I will be wrong sometimes.  I will be irrational and naive and over-protective and paranoid and silly sometimes.  If we can't communicate, it won't matter if she's right or her ideas are better than mine.  Anytime I try to discuss something I don't agree with her about, and I try to be aware of my approach, she turns defensive.  She dismisses me, agrees to do it my way, and makes off-handed comments like, "They're not stupid": meaning my 17 month-olds know she's joking, or "Well, I don't like to see him upset!": implying that I do when I choose not to give in when one of them is not getting his way and is throwing a fit. 

What do I do?

I've tried a mature, calm, sit-down, face-to-face approach.  Again, she gets defensive and dismissive. I've tried email.  Sometimes I get a better response but typically she misses things in email so I don't think she reads them thoroughly.  I don't believe email is the best form of communication but I think it does work in some situations.

Last Tuesday night the Dynamo was tired and hungry.  I had just put him and Sweet Potato in their booster seats at the table for dinner and the Dynamo wanted out.  Grandma went to take him out and I told her not to.  I would never get him back in the chair and it was dinner time and he was hungry and tired.   So she stood there about five feet from him with disapproval written all over her face -facing him no less and making him more upset.  Then she said, "Well I don't like to see him upset!"  I told her if she didn't want to hear him cry, then she should go. (It was time for her to go anyway.)  He quieted down about five minutes after she was gone and let me feed him his dinner.  She didn't talk to me the next day.

I think if she watched the kids less, it might help.

I have plans to change the child care routine but I don't know when and what those plans are yet.  I've always said I wanted the twins to attend a structured daycare/classroom type environment part-time in toddlerhood for the experience.  Before Sweet Potato's allergy diagnoses, I think I would have been considering it sooner than I am now.  With the extra layer of complexity his food allergies bring, I'm not in as much of a hurry to do this but I still want to eventually. 

There are some other reasons I'd like her to watch them less too.  Occasionally, on the weekends, I'll ask her to sit with them for an hour while I get my hair cut or run another errand.  On Monday before the sitter came over (I work a later shift), she stayed with the Dynamo while Sweet Potato and I went to Toddler Gym.  I'd like to keep doing things like that and alternating one-on-one time with the babies.  It's easier for me to ask her to cover these types of things when she hasn't already been watching them for a long work day.  She would never say no - even when she's tired.  In fact, one day she showed up at my house before I went to work looking exhausted.  I offered to happily stay home from work (more baby time for Mommy!) and long story short, she got ticked and thought that I didn't think she could handle them.  Or some such crap.  She made some hurtful comments and I did email her when I got to work and told her I was hurt by them.  She didn't respond.

My sitter is awesome.  It's a completely different dynamic when she watches the twins from when Grandma is there.  Which I would expect a little bit anyway from a grandma.  The sitter would pick up another day or half-day  day each week if I needed it.  I would love to have her there more and Grandma there less.  My checkbook would not like this.  I pay my mom a flat rate per week and the sitter is hourly.  While I could adjust my mother's cost down (awkward) to help compensate, it will still cost me more to have the sitter there.  I am still strongly considering this even though the thought of bringing it up to her scares the hell out of me.

At the end of the day, I'm the mother and what I say goes.  I know that and she knows that.  But I need her.  And the twins need her.  Last weekend we were busy and she didn't come over at all.  The twins and I had a great weekend and I didn't feel any tension.  I want more of that.  Less Grandma time might be the answer but I have no idea how to get there.  What would you do if you were me?

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3 Days

Day 1- Saturday morning I attended a meeting for a support group for parents of children with food allergies.  I found this local group from this website:  http://www.foodallergy.org/ and am so glad that I did.  Most of the parents I met have children who are older than Sweet Potato and many have multiple children with allergies -who have multiple allergies.  (Sweet Potato is highly allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, and egg whites and also has a cat allergy.)   It was emotional but comforting for me just to be there.  I'm still trying to process the fact that my son has life threatening allergies.  Like the infertilitly/loss/adoption online community I am a part of, the members of this group GET IT and I am finding out already in the four months since Sweet Potato's diagnosis how much I need that.

Day 2- On Sunday I met some work friends and their kids at the children's museum of play.  Thankfully my awesome friend, Christine, accompanied us because watching two toddlers in 282,000 square feet of a kid's museum would have been difficult without help!  This place is awesome.   There's a re-creation of Sesame Street, a miniature grocery store where kids can shop and even scan their own groceries, and there are books and activities at every turn.  It also houses the National Toy Hall of Fame, a carousel and train which surprisingly the Dynamo rode on with me.  (Sweet Potato has ridden a kids train before but the Dynamo refused!)  It was a great time and this place is close to home.  I may consider a membership as the kids get older (admission for them is free until age 2) if my budget allows.

The Dynamo among some Sesame Street characters I have never heard of!

Sweet Potato could have played with this stove all afternoon.

The caption I put on FB for this one was he looks just me when I grocery shop - determined and in a hurry!

Day 3- On Mondays I work a later shift - from 12 noon to 9 PM.  While it stinks to not be able to put the twins to bed, I actually get more awake time with them on Mondays since they are now (pretty much) napping once a day starting at 12:00 PM.  My local rec center has open toddler gym weekday mornings and Fabulous D and I took the twins yesterday.  It was so much fun.  Well that is, until the Dynamo tripped into a ride-on toy face first.  No injury, just tears.  It was still way worth the trip and I am hoping to make our visits a habit.  This may be a great opportunity for one-on-one time with Mommy if I can drop off one baby at Grandma's - although we loved that Fabulous D came with us!  Any time with her for me or the twins is a treat!

Ball!  Ball!  Ball!  Ball!

Fabulous D and the Dynamo.  Two Fabulous Ds!

Contrary to their facial expressions, they do enjoy playing together!

New Year, New Schedule?

I should write something profound about 2011, about changing jobs after 17 years, about the many changes with the twins as they aged from 4 months old to 16 months.

Or maybe I should write about my goals for 2012, about my grand plan to make this year as successful as possible and add in some new year's resolutions.

Nah.

Instead Im writing about naps. This shouldn't come as a shock since sleep is a topic I wrote about a lot last year. And technically what I'm writing about qualifies as a goal.

Yesterday, January 1st, 2012, the twins switched to one nap a day.  Both babies.  At the same time. One long nap.

Please let this be the start of a new routine!

For the past several weeks, the Dynamo has been bucking his PM nap.  (I am sure I must have blogged about this?)  At his 15 month check-up, the pediatrician told me if he was only going to nap once a day, make it in the afternoon.  So I kept him up in the morning (or asked the sitter or my mother to) while Sweet Potato went down.  The plan was to keep him up all morning and through lunchtime until Sweet Potato went back down in the afternoon but he never made it that far.  He would go down early afternoon and Sweet Potato would nap mid-morning and mid-afternoon.  This meant there was always a baby awake and no break for Mama.  Ugh.  The good news is it made for a better rested Dynamo than when he would only nap in the morning.  So I guess the pediatrician was right about switching him to the afternoon.  He was a  happier baby when I would get home from work.  But again, this schedule meant a toddler was always awake during the day and I'm so not ready for that.

Yesterday they slept from 12:30 to 3 PM.  Two and a half glorious hours for Mama to clean up holiday decorations and organize the garage.  I'm back to work today and hoping the sitter is enjoying a break right now too.

Getting Sucked In

Last Christmas when the babies were nearly four months old, I had it in my head that I would limit the Christmas gift frenzy this year and onward.  While I am not religious, the commercialization of Christmas bothers me.  Maybe that makes me a hypocrite, I don't know.

This year, for our family celebration on December 25th with just my mom, I think I did pretty well staying on task.  The babies received one gift each from Santa (not that they have any idea who he is), one gift each from Mommy, and three gifts to share from Grandma.  They had smaller separate celebrations with close friends and our sitter before Christmas with gift exchanges and those were terrific.

Frenziness did ensue, however, on Christmas Eve.  When I was growing up, my mother, brothers and I spent Christmas Eve at my Grandparent's house with my aunts, uncles and cousins.  There were eight or nine kids depending on the year and five or six adults with some others stopping in throughout the night.  My grandpa passed out gifts and my uncle would sometimes dress up as Santa.  For our large group, we had a nice turkey dinner and opened gifts in a fairly small house and it was not a frenzy.

Fast forward thirty-ish years, my grandparents have passed, and the celebration is now held at my cousin's house.  My cousin and his wife are the parents to boy-girl twins who will be three years old in February.  My aunt and uncles and another cousin and her husband and her three children, an 11 year-old girl and twin 5 year-old boys, also attend.  (Yes, there are three sets of twins in our family.)

Now I don't know if it's because my cousin and his wife went through a decade of fertility treatments before they had children or if over-indulgence is just who they are, but the toy room in this house looks like an indoor playground I should have to pay admission for.  They have always been over-the-top when it comes to their kids.  For their first birthday party, they rented out a facility and hired an adult dressed as Mickey Mouse to attend (who scared the crap out of their son, by the way).  Birthday number two was more of the same - this time Elmo was there.

This Christmas Eve, since my boys are now standing and walking and able to really play with toys, they spent some time in the playroom.  It was nice before all the kids showed up and then it was so overwhelming, the Dynamo just looked up at me at one point with terror in his eyes.  Later in the night, Sweet Potato just started screaming like he was hurt for no apparent reason.  He was on the floor of the family room among much chaos and loud music playing.  Poor kid.  We left at the beginning of the gift exchange (only gifts for the kids) because it was already 45 minutes past the babies' bedtime.  I felt horrible that not only did I not get to see my cousin's kids open gifts from me, their parents didn't get to see my kids open the gifts they bought.

I'm torn about how to handle this tradition.  My mother says a little chaos in their lives is good and maybe she's right but I wonder if it's really worth it.  As they get older, they are going to see and realize what their cousins have compared to what they don't have and that might not be a bad thing for them to see -eventually.  Next year at age two and the year after at age three, I see this as a potential nightmare.   And to be a bit selfish, Christmas Eve at the relatives was a high stress time for me.  It's difficult for me to keep an eye on both of them and although my mom helps, she gets distracted with family.

I considered skipping the event this year but reconsidered since this is the only family the twins are exposed to.  My brothers live out of state and they have never met them, my father and grandparents are gone.  The good news is I have almost an entire year to figure it out.

Kindle Alert! Life from Scratch

The Kindle version of Life from Scratch is currently only 99 cents!  Support Mel and go get it!  I just did and can't wait to read it.

16 Months!

Visiting Santa?

Is it wrong that I don't want to take the twins to see Santa yet?  I see pictures of babies much younger than my boys sitting on Santa's lap and with the exception of this great photo from Sarah, there is usually some unhappiness going on.  I'm almost positive Santa would scare the crap out of the Dynamo and Sweet Potato would likely be perplexed and pull his beard.  (And it's not like I get many pictures of Sweet Potato smiling anyway since his interest immediately goes to the camera in his face.)

Babies screaming on Santa's lap for some reason are not that appealing to me.  I know people find it funny.  Ellen DeGeneres highlights Bad Santa Photos on her show so they must be funny, right?  Because I think she's hilarious. 

Perhaps I am an unconventional mother who's desire not to scare her babies is stronger than her desire to get a picture of them visiting Santa Claus.  Am I going to regret it if I don't take them?  Will they wonder when they're older why they didn't see Santa when they were 1?  I mean I'm considering waiting until they are 4 years old!  Or maybe 3. 

What age did you first take your little ones to sit on Santa's lap and how did it go?

One-On-One Time

I've had some one-on-one time with both babies over the past few days.  The day of Sweet Potato's flu shot challenge, I had time with just him while we waited out any reactions and we played together in the exam room.  There was no brother there trying to get my attention or take the toys he was playing with.  It made an unpleasant situation not so bad.  That same afternoon, I opted to take the Dynamo with me to run some errands.  On our list was a quick visit to Fabulous D's house and a trip to the grocery store which he loves. 

Yesterday the twins had their second ever playdate with another set of boy-boy twins.  There was no missing afternoon nap for the Dynamo (and he even displayed a nice melt down to prove it), but Sweet Potato would not think of napping while his friends were over and he was in such good spirits, I didn't have the heart to try to take away his fun.  (Not to mention, I didn't want to risk him waking the Dynamo after an already rocky start to his nap.)  After the playdate ended, and the Dynamo was in a deep sleep, I put Sweet Potato down.  The kid slept twice as long as he usually does and right through dinner. 

When the Dynamo woke up as Sweet Potato napped, I made him dinner and it was so nice just the two of us.  For a minute, I thought this must be what it's like to have just one baby!  And we had some nice playtime together after dinner.  He went to bed for the night at the usual time and Sweet Potato was up an additional hour since he napped so late.  I got to feed him dinner just the two of us while the Dynamo was winding down.

I think time with just mommy for the babies is good for all of us.  We haven't really done it since I took them for swim lessons separately earlier this year.  It makes it harder for me if they are on different nap times and I don't want to mess with the routine, but this type of occasional schedule change is so worth it.

Flu Shot Challenge

Because of Sweet Potato's allergy to egg whites, his flu shot had to be administered at the allergist's office in the form of a "flu shot challenge".   They did a scratch test for the vaccine, waited for any reaction (to which there was a small skin reaction), broke up the dose into two parts, gave dose #1, waited and watched for any reaction (to which there was none), gave the rest of the dose and waited and watched.  The two hour appointment was a success.  And Sweet Potato was a trooper.  I brought a few toys, his pillow pet and a blanket for the five different waits in the exam room.  He was really more interested in playing with the exam table and drawers in the room, but this new toy (purchased locally on sale and with a coupon for $2.40!) kept his interest for the majority of the time. 

I really like his allergist and I'm learning more about his food allergies.  When he was first diagnosed, I buried my head in the sand (which lasted for about one day), but now I am all about education.  There's a good chance he will outgrow his allergy to eggs but outgrowing his allergy to peanuts and tree nuts is less likely.  At my request, his allergist gave me a copy of his medical report from his first visit (I was too overwhelmed that day to even think of asking for documentation).  I learned that the likelihood of a reaction to exposure to eggs is "high" (a 12.80 kU/L rating) and the likelihood to a reaction to peanuts rated a "very high" (a 28.70 kU/L rating).  I also learned that while reactions are likely, the rating itself does not determine the type of reaction.  In other words, he could have a mild reaction or a major one regardless of how high the kU/L rating.  (And I apologize if I am not using these terms/abbreviations correctly.  I'm still learning.)  Also, a reaction to one exposure can be completely different to a reaction for a second exposure.  And the key bit of thing for me to know is - AVOIDANCE is the most important thing.

After the twins were asleep last night, I spent more time online and found some medical bracelets and children's books on allergies.  I think those things are in our near future.  Educating Sweet Potato and everyone he comes in contact with on avoidance and treatment (Benadryl, administering his EpiPen, calling 911) has to be a high priority for me.  I do not expect this to be an easy task.  In fact, my mom, who has been aware of his allergies since the first reaction to scrambled eggs happened at age 12 months, ate a chocolate bar with ALMONDS at my house yesterday.  From her hands to his skin can cause a reaction.  Eating a crumb of her candy bar that falls on the floor can be fatal.

When I think of the future and Sweet Potato going to school, birthday parties, and playdates, I really worry.  Then I remember by moto since I became pregnant with the twins: one day at a time.

Another Day in the Life

...of A Single Mom to Twin Babies.

Sunday, November 13th

6:00 AM:  Awakened by chatter on baby monitor.  Times two. Go downstairs, pour morning bottles. Make coffee!
6:05 AM:  Into the nursery to greet two happy babies standing up in their cribs.  Morning bottles, playtime with Mommy.  Music on.  The Dynamo practices taking a few steps, the babies fight over toys and argue with Mommy about who gets to turn the light switches on and off.  Throw load of laundry in the wash.
7:30 AM:  Breakfast!  Babies in high chairs.  The Dynamo feeds himself Cheerios while I feed Sweet Potato oatmeal mixed with applesauce and vitamin drops.  Then switch.  Five tablespoons cereal each.  They split a small banana, feeding themselves and dropping some on the floor.
7:50 AM:  Clean faces and hands and put babies back in playroom.  Clean up kitchen.
8:00 AM:  Set up baby monitor in bathroom and take a shower! Babies play together while I shower, get dressed and blow dry my hair.
8:30 AM:  More playtime with Mommy.
9:00 AM:  Nap time in cribs! I eat breakfast. Switch laundry.  Straighten playroom.  Sweep floor.
10:30 AM:  Babies awake!  Mid-morning bottles.
10:45 AM:  Change babies out of pjs.  Coats, socks and shoes on.  Load them in the car and head to the park less than 5 minutes away. (Thank goodness the only thing they want to do right now is swing which I can manage on my own.  Once they want to do the slides or climb or go in two different directions, going solo will be a challenge! Maybe I need those backpack leash things. Thoughts?)

Take these pictures:






12:10 PM:  Out of swings, into stroller, into car.  Tears. Times two.  They don't want to leave.
12:30 PM:  Home, out of coats and shoes, into highchairs.  Lunch!  They split a jelly sandwich on wheat toast, diced pears and some goldfish crackers.  They feed themselves.
12:50 PM:  Babies back in playroom. Clean kitchen. Switch laundry. Read emails and blog posts. Pay some bills online.
1:10 PM:  Join the babies in the playroom. Work on colors and shapes.  Attempt to read to them while Sweet Potato fights me for the book.
2:30 PM:  Nap time!  Fold laundry. Order two of these for the twins for Christmas.  (Hey the trailer was included!)  Change light bulb outside on garage.
3:50 PM:  Babies awake!  Feed them some baby yogurt.  Into coats, socks and shoes for a ride in the wagon around the block.  Sweet Potato points up at the trees and slurs his excitement.  Both babies try to touch the wheels as the wagon is moving.
5:30 PM:  Dinner!  Macaroni and cheese, peas and carrots, Gerber Graduates lil crunchies.
6:00 PM:  Bath time!  Sweet Potato goes into the walker in the doorway to the bathroom while I bathe the Dynamo in a tub just like this one (awesome by the way).  I pull Sweet Potato and the walker into the nursery while carrying a toweled up Dynamo.  PJs for the Dynamo, onto the floor, Sweet Potato out of the walker, onto the floor, Dynamo IN the walker, Sweet Potato crawls to the bathroom as I pull the Dynamo and the walker there (the walker doesn't move well on the hallway carpet).  Sweet Potato has bath and into PJs!  (Did you follow all that?  It's as crazy as it sounds but it works!) 
6:50 PM:  More playtime in the playroom.  I put away toys they are not using and restock diapers, and wipes. I have quick dinner.
7:15 PM:  Evening bottles.  Babies in bouncy seats watching Baby Einstein DVD.  Lights down.
7:30 PM:  Take the Dynamo up, brush teeth!, into the crib.  He fusses waiting for his brother.
7:35 PM:  Sweet Potato's turn, brush teeth, into crib.  Fill nursery humidifier with water.  Kiss the babies good night through the crib slats.
7:45 PM:  Wash bottles, baby dishes, clean-up kitchen for sitter coming tomorrow.  Clean blueberry baby yogurt off wall (how did that get there?).
8:30 PM:  Go to bed!  Catch up on news, blogs, FB on smartphone.
9:00 PM:  Sleep, glorious sleep!

Not a peep until about 6 AM the next day.  Awakened by chatter on baby monitor.  Times two.  :)

What a difference six months make.  To see what I mean, check out my last Day in The Life Post.

A Walk Before Bedtime

Breaking Up With A Blogger

I'm sure we've all done it - broken up with a blogger.  You find someone online, a connection is made, you add them to your reader and can't wait to read their next post.  You comment on their posts often sharing your excitement over their good news or offering support if the news isn't so good.  You're there with an ear, some advice and how you handled the same thing they are going through or might handle it if you haven't been in their shoes before.  You do this for a long time, years maybe, and then realize your online friend never comments on your posts.  In fact, you're pretty sure they never even read your blog.

At what point do you walk away?

Maybe you've added a comment and asked the writer a question.  Something quick for her to answer - an explanation of an abbreviation from her post for example.  And she doesn't add another comment.  And she writes a new post and never answers your question there either.  Eh - no big deal.  An oversight.

Then there's the blogger who invites comments or emails that require her to respond.  Perhaps she talks about this awesome recipe and tells her readers to leave a comment if they'd like her to email it to them.  And you do.  And she doesn't.  I guess she didn't mean you.  She meant her other followers.

Do you stop reading then?

When I was in the thick of TTC, I followed a blogger who was years ahead of me with mostly heartache.  Like many of us, she was hit with disappointment and challenges left and right.  I followed her through some life changes like a move across the country, supported her when she had unfavorable comments on a post, emailed (and was granted) a password request when she went private.  And then somewhere between my second and third miscarriage, I unsubscribed.  It felt like a completely one-sided relationship.  Not once did she comment on a post of mine.  When I needed it most, not one 'thinking of you' from her.  It shouldn't matter.  I was fortunate enough to have so many online friends who did comment.  But the next update from her in my reader?  It stung a little bit.

Like many relationships where I feel slighted, I look to myself.  Am I there for my readers like I should be?  Am I doing enough?  There are many times when I comment in my head when I read a post but don't take the time to type it.  I tell myself I'll do it later.  And then I don't.  I feel guilty about that.  But to never comment?  After months or years of support given to me?  No, I wouldn't do that.

Note to Self - Post More Often

I think I have said this before.  I need to post more often because once I do, whatever issue I'm complaining about at the time, is better.  Yesterday?  Napper Champions.  Two naps, both babies, at the same time, in the AM and in the PM.  It helps that my babysitter ROCKS.  And it helps that it was nice enough for them to get some outside time.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments!  To answer Gwinne's question, I have tried adjusting the time both earlier and later.  I learned early on (during the Witching Hour Phase), that if I miss the window for the Dynamo, it's extra difficult for him to fall asleep.  This is true for naps too although he's not as fussy as he was back then.

We have good nap days and not so good nap days.  More importantly for Mama (and it's all about Mama), we have pretty good nights. 

In other news, the Dynamo took nine steps last night by himself.  NINE.  Eeeeek!

Nap Monsters

Naptime has had a good run. There have been several months of at the same time, in the cribs, both babies, napping. That time apparently is over. Morning naps are still pretty okay but afternoon naps? Fogettaboutit. Especially the Dynamo. Perhaps the transition is to one nap a day, you say? Well I’d buy that if they actually slept longer than an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning. And while they do not wake the other up at night (and thankfully do not wake up too much at night anymore as it is), they do tend to wake the other during the day. I tried, very unsuccessfully I might add, to separate them for naps. I set up the Pack-N-Play in my room for the Dynamo and put Sweet Potato in his crib in the nursery. Epic fail. I knew it wouldn’t work before I even tried it.

Oh well. It was nice while it lasted….

Dyn-O-Mite!

My little non-trick-or-treat-ers....

Fall Fun

Last Saturday, after struggling with the twins after lunch to get diapers changed, warm clothes ON, coats ON, shoes ON, and load them up in the car (meanwhile an hour has gone by since I started this process), we met my friend and her son and hit up a farm market.

It was cold and cloudy but we still managed to have a good time despite the expression on Sweet Potato's face in nearly every picture....

This is one of those rare pictures where they look so alike.

Minutes after this was taken, the Dynamo tried to eat the flowers -hands free.

Then we came home and the Dynamo just wanted to read a book....

 And Sweet Potato wanted a snack....

Sunday was a nicer day and I wanted to start a tradition at the farm market close by our house so we went again...

This weekend?  We might hit up another farm market.  This one with a train and giant jumping pillow!  Maybe I can get a picture of Sweet Potato smiling at the camera.  And maybe this time I'll actually get some pumpkins.

It All Comes Back

Yesterday I was killing time on my lunch hour window shopping. I went into a Dollar Tree and perused the isles. When I hit the isle with the pregnancy tests, it all came back. I bought so many of those things at a Dollar store. There they were. I was brought back to all those months where I tested and tested (and tested!) - sometimes way too early, sometimes way too much. It reminds me of all my online friends still testing (and testing, and testing). I think of all of you often.

So another thing about the allergies….

I know I should not complain about my mother.  Besides watching the twins for me three days per week (at about 1/3 the cost of daycare),  my mom does a lot for me around the house and I am very grateful.

HOWEVER,  she also stirs up my anxiety and frustrates me.

Example:  After Sweet Potato had his blood test, the pediatrician called me about the results and recommended I take him to an allergist.  Honestly, I was happy to go.  I wanted answers from a specialist.  My mother bombarded me with questions about why he was going to an allergist, thought the pediatrician was passing the buck, why didn’t he see the allergist first then, etc.  Okay, Grandma? Not Helping.  When she doesn’t understand things, she gets defensive and fires off questions without thinking (I think).  She doesn’t realize that the day I find out my kid has to have an EpiPen with him at all times, I really don’t need to be stirred up with potential conflict.

What’s even more frustrating is I don’t think she gets the seriousness of the allergy situation.  When I got the blood test results before Sweet Potato met with the allergist, they said he was also allergic to soybean.  Turns out he is not and that is a typical result from the blood test for those with an egg allergy.  The allergist retested him.  In the nine days between the time of the blood test results and the visit to the allergist, I, of course, restricted all things with soybean including animal crackers (not that either kid is a big fan of them, but I am).  I had purchased a large container from BJs and put a post-it note on them “No Sweet Potato”.  Besides soybean, it also says on the label in bold print:  made in a bakery that uses nuts.

So yesterday I gave the container to my mom to take home.  I didn’t want them in the house.  She emails me this morning: “Tell me again why I'm eating too many animal crackers?  The only thing I see that used to be a problem for [Sweet Potato] is the soy.  I don't see any egg.”   Grrrrr.  Let’s just say it’s a good thing this was in an email.  So I wrote her back and tried to make it fun and said to look again.  She did find the part about the nuts.  And hopefully she will learn something from this.  Because as the person who is with my kids the most after me, she needs to know how to read labels.

I know I need to chill out.  And I will try.  But geez!

Also, I heard from Gwinne that Blogger may not let you leave comments.  If you want to and can’t, please email me at meandbaby.meandbaby@gmail.com.  I would love the input!

Birthdays, Play Dates, and Allergies

I had a party for the twins first birthday last month and besides the fact that I almost killed my mother and got very few decorations put up (we're talking two balloons), I would call it a success.  It was nice enough to have outside and my awesome friends helped me clean up.  I am not really a theme person but let's just say the theme was the number one:

 

***

The twins also had their very first play date a couple of weekends ago.  I hosted the play date for a co-worker who is also a parent to twin boys.  His boys are nine months old and we were excited to see our babies interact with each other.  The Dynamo gave his cautious stare for the first twenty minutes or so but after that, he just thought of the other boys as another item in the room - kind of like his brother.  Sweet Potato was all smiles as soon as he met his new friends but both he and The Dynamo were really more interested in my co-worker (who stands at 6 feet, 4 inches) and his wife.  Apparently new adults, especially tall ones, are more interesting than new babies.

***

My last tid-bit today is my most serious one.  Sweet Potato has been diagnosed with allergies.  After a scary, but thankfully not too serious, reaction to two tiny bites of scrambled eggs a few weeks ago, a blood test initiated by his pediatrician and a consult and scratch test with an allergist, he has been diagnosed with allergies to peanuts, egg whites, and cat dander.  The peanut and egg allergies are quite high.

I've been a bit of a wreck for the past two weeks imaging the effect this will have on our small family.  He's been prescribed an EpiPen Jr. and I have to have it with him at all times and my sweet cat of twelve years is temporarily staying with my mom until I can find a permanent home for her.  This explains his eczema last winter as the pet dander is stirred up the most when the furnace is running.  This weekend starts operation remove-pet-dander from my house which I'm told can take months.  I've been researching air filters/purifiers and a new vacuum cleaner to help.  If anyone has any suggestions or experience with food or pet allergies in their little one, I would love to hear them.  Honestly I am pretty freaked out.  And sad.  Both Sweet Potato and The Dynamo love the kitty.  And the peanut allergy scares the hell out of me.

Letting It Go

How do you let it go?  When you make a mommy mistake, how do you let it go?

The twins turned (omg) ONE yesterday and I had a party for them on Saturday.  I plan to do a proper birthday post compete with pictures soon but have a question for my readers.  With my crazy party planning on Friday and Saturday the twins could easily tell something was up and their calm daily routine was a little off as I was running around the house doing things.  I think this threw their nap schedules off.  Sweet Potato missed his afternoon nap altogether and the Dynamo finally went down for his a little later than usual and was still asleep as the guests started to arrive. 

About twenty minutes into the party I decided to wake up the Dynamo.  He had been asleep in the nursery by now more for than an hour and a half and that is typically his max nap time (unlike Sweet Potato who takes a three hour morning nap on occasion and that morning had slept for two and half hours).  The party was outside and there was a lot of commotion both inside and outside the house.

I was outside, went in and realized somehow the baby monitor had been turned off.  I don't know how this happened but when I flipped it on, I instantly heard the Dynamo crying.  To be fair he wasn't wailing and when I went upstairs there weren't actual tears streaming down his face but how long had my little man been crying?  He's almost always standing up when I go to get him and he was sitting in his crib.  Had he been crying for so long that he got tired of standing and had to sit?  I just can't seem to let this go.  I feel so bad that he was up there and no one heard him.  When it's just me in the house you can hear them without the baby monitor but with lots of people coming in and out, no one would have heard him without the monitor on.

I changed him into his birthday onesie and shorts and he soon recovered.  In fact, he was the life of the party "helping" me open presents, eating well and wiping his first-time-ever cake frosting all over his face.  So no scars on baby.  No memory I'm sure.  BUT I STILL CAN'T SHAKE IT.  And this is tiny.  I know I will make more, bigger mommy mistakes.  If I can't get over this, how will I handle those?

How do you do it?

Twin Reduction - Both Sides

I first heard about the NYT article, The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy, from Facebook when one of my co-workers posted a link to an editorial on it written by a Southern Baptist doctor.  I won’t link to his post but let me just say the word ‘murder’ was in his title.  As ignorant as I thought that blog post was, as I read the NYT article, I flinched all the way through it.  And then I read Mel’s post.  And then I read Dora’s.  I had too much to say for a comment and didn’t think I had enough time to write a proper post (thank goodness for a slow work day) but I couldn’t get the article out of my head.

When the beta hCG for my fourth pregnancy was as high as it was (422 @ 14dpIUI) and then skyrocketed from there (1287 @ 16dpIUI and 3694 @ 18dpIUI), the thought that there was more than one was pretty clear and that there could be more than two even entered my mind.  And that introduced the thought of selective reduction.  I quickly put that thought aside until I knew the facts which believe it or not, I am pretty good at doing. (I’m a one day at a time kind of girl.  I mean I have to be - I’m a single mother who doesn’t make a lot of money and who doesn’t have a lot of physical support.  I have to take it one day at a time or I will have a major anxiety attack!)  But this is not about selectively reducing high order multiples; it’s about reducing a twin pregnancy to a singleton.  I admit I breathed a sigh of relief after the first ultrasound showed that there were only two but there were two.  And one of me.  I won’t deny the thought of reducing was still there.  Briefly.  I am thankful I didn’t make that choice.  Not only am I doing it, my babies are thriving.  And my life is so full.

I wonder why the Times didn't profile someone like me: a single mother who, after her 8^th IUI and 3^rd miscarriage in a row became pregnant with twins and briefly considered selective reduction because, well, she’s single.  Beyond that, She (Me), at age 40 ½, had a fairly uneventful pregnancy, worked full-time until 36 ½ weeks, carried to 37 weeks, and while there were a few complications at the end of the pregnancy, gave birth to two healthy boys with no known medical issues or developmental delays.  Wait, I know why.  Because that’s boring.  It’s much more interesting to say IVF instead of IUI, discuss the negative impact raising twins can have on families and mothers, and talk about struggling rather than thriving.

I read how the subjects in the article couldn’t imagine caring for twins – TWO infants.  OMG that’s so hard, how will WE manage, how will we afford it?  In their defense, I don’t have other children and I don’t know any differently.   And the reality is I am one of the lucky ones.  I know how lucky I am that my boys went to term and are healthy.  I've read a lot of blogs where a twin is lost either before or after birth, or where one twin is healthy while the other is not.  I know about a dozen families in real life with twins and can think of only one or two where there is not a medical issue (that I know of) with at least one of the twins.    

And I especially wonder about this statement taken from the article:

Because A. had already miscarried once, her doctor worried she might not carry two to term; if she reduced, the doctor said, she had a better chance of taking a baby home.

Really?  Because I had three losses in a row and my doctor never once indicated a similar worry.  Perhaps there’s more to this medically that this statement indicates.   

With saying all this, I do have a confession to make.  (I warned you my thoughts are all over the place).  When the twins were newborns, I wondered if I made the right decision*.   I mean it was hard – it IS hard – but it was about more than that.  It was about their quality of life.  Because there’s two of them and one of me, I didn’t take them out often (it would literally take an hour to get all of us out the door).  Because there’s two of them and one of me, we don’t go to the park often.  Because there’s two of them and one of me, they don’t get as much attention as they might get if it was one on one.  I wondered if they would miss out on future experiences because I likely won’t be able to afford to pay for two to attend something where I might have been able to afford for one of them to.  I talked about this with one of my friends who has one brother and he put it in perspective for me.  He said that while they may not be able to do as many costly “things” as they could if there was only one, in his opinion the experience of growing up with a sibling outweighs that.  And watching them now, days away from turning one, I get it.  I love how Mel writes about her twins' connection and mine have it already.  Sure, they fight over toys and the Dynamo sometimes pushes Sweet Potato away or down if he thinks he might get more attention, but their faces light up when they see each other.  They laugh and squeal and chase and head-butt and kiss (eat?) and love and mimic each other.  It's truly a joy to watch. 

I know I sound judgy and a little hypocritical.  I am torn about this topic in a way I likely would not be if my situation was different.  While I always add the caveat I don’t think I could ever terminate, I am not against it.   I am Pro-Choice.   If you, as my friend, came to me in a situation where you thought you needed to reduce, for whatever reason, I would support you.  And as Dora said, as callous as the women in the Times article sounded, we don’t know what their thought process was like, how many tears were shed, what quotes the writer didn’t use or were edited out.;

If I have learned anything from infertility and RPL it is not to question someone else's choices in family building.  I'm not perfect at that but I continue to try to keep an open mind.

*I never once imagined one of THEM not being here as in one of my actual little boys.  It was always an abstract thought – not an actual baby who came into this world and I met not being here.  I could never imagine not having both of them in my life.

Still Here

Hello friends!  I'm still here reading your blogs and commenting when I can.  Currently I'm trying to get the twins first birthday party planned and the house and yard ready for the big day.  Almost ONE.  I can't believe it. 

The babies are both standing holding on to the gate -or a chair -or the wall.  The Dynamo started doing this a few weeks ago and now moves around the room from thing to thing.  Sweet Potato's first time was this past Monday.  It's so strange to see them standing!  And my boys are tall (check out their 'Watch Me Grow' pages for stats)  so they look like little preschoolers when they stand.  They are crawling machines too. 

They both can say "Mama". It's officially the Dynamo's first word.  It will likely be Sweet Potato's too but he says it all together like "Mamamamamama" so I'm not sure if that counts. :) 

We're still basically at only two bottom teeth each which is killing me.  Those top teeth want to come in soooo badly and the babies are clearly uncomfortable.  I wish they would poke through already.  The Dynamo is so close. 

Oh and they are so happy together!  They LOVE to play together and squeal and laugh and smile at each other all the time.  It is such a joy to watch.  I am a very lucky mama.   

That's all I have for now.  I feel like I have so much to say and then once I sit down to write a post, I draw a blank.  Probably not having a lot of free time is part of it.  I'll be sure to post again after the big day!

Thanks for sticking around!