Future Expectations

No Good Approach - Update

2012-02-02T09:55:00.002-05:00

Thank you for the feedback. I don't know what I would do without my readers.

What I should have written in my last post is that I think my mom is great with my kids. She sings with them, dances with them, makes them capes out of blankets, puts socks on their heads, reads them books, cooks for them, and takes them for short walks in their wagon. The twins and I are very lucky to have her in our lives.

Tuesday when I got home from work, the tension was buried. Grandma and I chatted about the kids and the day's events, and she offered to pick up some egg-free waffles for me at the store. All good but not forgotten by either of us. The fact that we have to see each other and speak to each other because of the twins is a plus in this situation. We can't completely avoid each other.

Wednesday afternoon, I sent her an email. It cleared the air. For now. She took my (poorly approached) question as pointing out a mistake. She tends to take things personally no matter who she's talking to. I reiterated that I was curious, acknowledged that I could be wrong about the boys misunderstanding her, and told her that I will continue to wonder about a lot of things. I said that we have to be able to communicate. She agreed and told me not to be afraid to bring things up in the future. It's a step in the right direction.

I'd also like to add that it's difficult to detect (or perhaps for me to describe) tone in a post. The tone of the start of the conversation with my mom on Tuesday morning was light. I was delicate because I know she can be insecure and get defensive easily.

In response to comments:

I know in a day care setting I won't be there to see how things are done. It's not only possible but probable that some things would be done differently than I would do them. Hopefully for the better but possibly not. If it's something that I think matters, and I witness it or hear about it, I will probably question it. I would think (hope!) the day care teacher could have an adult conversation with me about it. Would I question a teacher who was playing that "Don't Smile" game? No. I don't feel so strongly about that where I think that would be necessary. I said it to my mom as a question; it was me wondering. There's no other adult in my house or in my life on a daily basis for me to bounce things off of. And I'm a bouncer. I like to analyze and talk things out and I question things as part of my process to understand. It doesn't rule me; I take bits of advice that seem to make sense and that work for my family, combine them with my instincts as a new mom and hope for the best. I don't lose sleep over it. Not yet.

Lindsey, you brought up some great points. Your comments gave me the push I needed to clear the air. I do know how lucky I am to be able to have the twins spend time with their grandma. I know she won't be around forever, (she'll be 73 in March), and that there is a place for silliness. I'm on the fence about sarcasm in the boys' lives right now but the real issue is our lack of ability (mine and hers) to talk about things. Also, one reason why I am considering some child care outside the house is because, unlike Fiona, the twins don't have regular exposure to other kids or a variety of activity. Their little circle consists of me and my mom, the sitter, my cousins, aunts and uncles who they mostly only see on holidays, and visits from my friends -some with kids, most without, none with small kids. (And their mama is NOT crafty or creative. Unlike you. :))

If/when I change the child care routine, it would be one or two days in a classroom setting (or one or a half day more with the sitter). This would probably equate to one less day at most of Grandma watching them. She would still spend almost as many waking hours with the twins as I do. Chances are because of Sweet Potato's allergies and the cost of child care/pre-school, they probably won't be going anywhere until they're old enough for UPK.

I don't think this topic is closed by any means. Unfortunately, for my readers, I will likely complain about my mother again. I do feel better today about my relationship with her than I did yesterday. Time will tell. Thanks for listening! It really does take a village.

No Good Approach

2012-01-31T16:43:00.004-05:00

I'm not going to apologize this time. I'm not going to call myself ungrateful. I know how lucky I am that she helps me. I know I would be more broke than I already am, be more anxious, be sleeping less, and have more to do at home if she wasn't helping me. I am not sorry this time. I am grateful. I am also frustrated.

This morning I got into another disagreement with my mother. I knew it would happen. I wanted to talk about something she was doing that I didn't like. I debated bringing it up but it's been happening for awhile. I ignored it at first thinking it would pass. It didn't and it bugs me. Sometimes things bug people for no good reason. I realize that. And the longer I waited to say something, the more it would bug me. I debated as I was getting ready for work listening to her interact with the babies (and use this phrase) the best approach to use to bring it up. Clearly I picked the wrong one. I asked her to not say -wait, I didn't even ask; I approached it as I was wondering if- something she was saying to the twins was confusing.

Me: "So I was thinking about something.... "
Her: "Uh oh (funny). What?"
Me: "Do you think when you say 'Whatever you do, don't smile!' to the boys, it is confusing? We are saying "don't" but laughing and encouraging them to smile."
Her: "No! The Dynamo knows exactly what I mean!"
Me: "Really? You think he gets that you are trying to get him to keep a straight face? We use the word don't when we don't want them to do something. Now it's being used and when they do the opposite, we laugh."
Her (defensively): "Fine. I won't say it anymore."
Me: "You don't have to get defensive."
Her: "Yes, I do. They're not stupid!" (Can I just add that I LOVE when she makes remarks like this.)

I left for work and she was clearly mad at me.

This is about more than what she was doing. This is also about how she and I communicate with each other. If we can't communicate, it's going to put a big(ger) strain on our relationship. As the twins get older, there are going to be more things I want done (or not done) a specific way. I will be wrong sometimes. I will be irrational and naive and over-protective and paranoid and silly sometimes. If we can't communicate, it won't matter if she's right or her ideas are better than mine. Anytime I try to discuss something I don't agree with her about, and I try to be aware of my approach, she turns defensive. She dismisses me, agrees to do it my way, and makes off-handed comments like, "They're not stupid": meaning my 17 month-olds know she's joking, or "Well, I don't like to see him upset!": implying that I do when I choose not to give in when one of them is not getting his way and is throwing a fit.

What do I do?

I've tried a mature, calm, sit-down, face-to-face approach. Again, she gets defensive and dismissive. I've tried email. Sometimes I get a better response but typically she misses things in email so I don't think she reads them thoroughly. I don't believe email is the best form of communication but I think it does work in some situations.

Last Tuesday night the Dynamo was tired and hungry. I had just put him and Sweet Potato in their booster seats at the table for dinner and the Dynamo wanted out. Grandma went to take him out and I told her not to. I would never get him back in the chair and it was dinner time and he was hungry and tired. So she stood there about five feet from him with disapproval written all over her face -facing him no less and making him more upset. Then she said, "Well I don't like to see him upset!" I told her if she didn't want to hear him cry, then she should go. (It was time for her to go anyway.) He quieted down about five minutes after she was gone and let me feed him his dinner. She didn't talk to me the next day.

I think if she watched the kids less, it might help.

I have plans to change the child care routine but I don't know when and what those plans are yet. I've always said I wanted the twins to attend a structured daycare/classroom type environment part-time in toddlerhood for the experience. Before Sweet Potato's allergy diagnoses, I think I would have been considering it sooner than I am now. With the extra layer of complexity his food allergies bring, I'm not in as much of a hurry to do this but I still want to eventually.

There are some other reasons I'd like her to watch them less too. Occasionally, on the weekends, I'll ask her to sit with them for an hour while I get my hair cut or run another errand. On Monday before the sitter came over (I work a later shift), she stayed with the Dynamo while Sweet Potato and I went to Toddler Gym. I'd like to keep doing things like that and alternating one-on-one time with the babies. It's easier for me to ask her to cover these types of things when she hasn't already been watching them for a long work day. She would never say no - even when she's tired. In fact, one day she showed up at my house before I went to work looking exhausted. I offered to happily stay home from work (more baby time for Mommy!) and long story short, she got ticked and thought that I didn't think she could handle them. Or some such crap. She made some hurtful comments and I did email her when I got to work and told her I was hurt by them. She didn't respond.

My sitter is awesome. It's a completely different dynamic when she watches the twins from when Grandma is there. Which I would expect a little bit anyway from a grandma. The sitter would pick up another day or half-day day each week if I needed it. I would love to have her there more and Grandma there less. My checkbook would not like this. I pay my mom a flat rate per week and the sitter is hourly. While I could adjust my mother's cost down (awkward) to help compensate, it will still cost me more to have the sitter there. I am still strongly considering this even though the thought of bringing it up to her scares the hell out of me.

At the end of the day, I'm the mother and what I say goes. I know that and she knows that. But I need her. And the twins need her. Last weekend we were busy and she didn't come over at all. The twins and I had a great weekend and I didn't feel any tension. I want more of that. Less Grandma time might be the answer but I have no idea how to get there. What would you do if you were me?

Blogger Comments

2012-01-25T09:01:00.000-05:00

Is anyone else having trouble leaving comments? Email me if you have any tips! It's quite frustrating.

3 Days

2012-01-24T21:15:00.005-05:00

Day 1- Saturday morning I attended a meeting for a support group for parents of children with food allergies. I found this local group from this website: http://www.foodallergy.org/ and am so glad that I did. Most of the parents I met have children who are older than Sweet Potato and many have multiple children with allergies -who have multiple allergies. (Sweet Potato is highly allergic to peanuts, tree nuts, and egg whites and also has a cat allergy.) It was emotional but comforting for me just to be there. I'm still trying to process the fact that my son has life threatening allergies. Like the infertilitly/loss/adoption online community I am a part of, the members of this group GET IT and I am finding out already in the four months since Sweet Potato's diagnosis how much I need that.

Day 2- On Sunday I met some work friends and their kids at the children's museum of play. Thankfully my awesome friend, Christine, accompanied us because watching two toddlers in 282,000 square feet of a kid's museum would have been difficult without help! This place is awesome. There's a re-creation of Sesame Street, a miniature grocery store where kids can shop and even scan their own groceries, and there are books and activities at every turn. It also houses the National Toy Hall of Fame, a carousel and train which surprisingly the Dynamo rode on with me. (Sweet Potato has ridden a kids train before but the Dynamo refused!) It was a great time and this place is close to home. I may consider a membership as the kids get older (admission for them is free until age 2) if my budget allows.

The Dynamo among some Sesame Street characters I have never heard of!

Sweet Potato could have played with this stove all afternoon.


The caption I put on FB for this one was he looks just me when I grocery shop - determined and in a hurry!

Day 3- On Mondays I work a later shift - from 12 noon to 9 PM. While it stinks to not be able to put the twins to bed, I actually get more awake time with them on Mondays since they are now (pretty much) napping once a day starting at 12:00 PM. My local rec center has open toddler gym weekday mornings and Fabulous D and I took the twins yesterday. It was so much fun. Well that is, until the Dynamo tripped into a ride-on toy face first. No injury, just tears. It was still way worth the trip and I am hoping to make our visits a habit. This may be a great opportunity for one-on-one time with Mommy if I can drop off one baby at Grandma's - although we loved that Fabulous D came with us! Any time with her for me or the twins is a treat!

Ball! Ball! Ball! Ball!

Fabulous D and the Dynamo. Two Fabulous Ds!

Contrary to their facial expressions, they do enjoy playing together!

New Year, New Schedule?

2012-01-02T14:30:00.002-05:00

I should write something profound about 2011, about changing jobs after 17 years, about the many changes with the twins as they aged from 4 months old to 16 months.

Or maybe I should write about my goals for 2012, about my grand plan to make this year as successful as possible and add in some new year's resolutions.

Nah.

Instead Im writing about naps. This shouldn't come as a shock since sleep is a topic I wrote about a lot last year. And technically what I'm writing about qualifies as a goal.

Yesterday, January 1st, 2012, the twins switched to one nap a day. Both babies. At the same time. One long nap.

Please let this be the start of a new routine!

For the past several weeks, the Dynamo has been bucking his PM nap. (I am sure I must have blogged about this?) At his 15 month check-up, the pediatrician told me if he was only going to nap once a day, make it in the afternoon. So I kept him up in the morning (or asked the sitter or my mother to) while Sweet Potato went down. The plan was to keep him up all morning and through lunchtime until Sweet Potato went back down in the afternoon but he never made it that far. He would go down early afternoon and Sweet Potato would nap mid-morning and mid-afternoon. This meant there was always a baby awake and no break for Mama. Ugh. The good news is it made for a better rested Dynamo than when he would only nap in the morning. So I guess the pediatrician was right about switching him to the afternoon. He was a happier baby when I would get home from work. But again, this schedule meant a toddler was always awake during the day and I'm so not ready for that.

Yesterday they slept from 12:30 to 3 PM. Two and a half glorious hours for Mama to clean up holiday decorations and organize the garage. I'm back to work today and hoping the sitter is enjoying a break right now too.

Getting Sucked In

2011-12-30T19:18:00.001-05:00

Last Christmas when the babies were nearly four months old, I had it in my head that I would limit the Christmas gift frenzy this year and onward. While I am not religious, the commercialization of Christmas bothers me. Maybe that makes me a hypocrite, I don't know.

This year, for our family celebration on December 25th with just my mom, I think I did pretty well staying on task. The babies received one gift each from Santa (not that they have any idea who he is), one gift each from Mommy, and three gifts to share from Grandma. They had smaller separate celebrations with close friends and our sitter before Christmas with gift exchanges and those were terrific.

Frenziness did ensue, however, on Christmas Eve. When I was growing up, my mother, brothers and I spent Christmas Eve at my Grandparent's house with my aunts, uncles and cousins. There were eight or nine kids depending on the year and five or six adults with some others stopping in throughout the night. My grandpa passed out gifts and my uncle would sometimes dress up as Santa. For our large group, we had a nice turkey dinner and opened gifts in a fairly small house and it was not a frenzy.

Fast forward thirty-ish years, my grandparents have passed, and the celebration is now held at my cousin's house. My cousin and his wife are the parents to boy-girl twins who will be three years old in February. My aunt and uncles and another cousin and her husband and her three children, an 11 year-old girl and twin 5 year-old boys, also attend. (Yes, there are three sets of twins in our family.)

Now I don't know if it's because my cousin and his wife went through a decade of fertility treatments before they had children or if over-indulgence is just who they are, but the toy room in this house looks like an indoor playground I should have to pay admission for. They have always been over-the-top when it comes to their kids. For their first birthday party, they rented out a facility and hired an adult dressed as Mickey Mouse to attend (who scared the crap out of their son, by the way). Birthday number two was more of the same - this time Elmo was there.

This Christmas Eve, since my boys are now standing and walking and able to really play with toys, they spent some time in the playroom. It was nice before all the kids showed up and then it was so overwhelming, the Dynamo just looked up at me at one point with terror in his eyes. Later in the night, Sweet Potato just started screaming like he was hurt for no apparent reason. He was on the floor of the family room among much chaos and loud music playing. Poor kid. We left at the beginning of the gift exchange (only gifts for the kids) because it was already 45 minutes past the babies' bedtime. I felt horrible that not only did I not get to see my cousin's kids open gifts from me, their parents didn't get to see my kids open the gifts they bought.

I'm torn about how to handle this tradition. My mother says a little chaos in their lives is good and maybe she's right but I wonder if it's really worth it. As they get older, they are going to see and realize what their cousins have compared to what they don't have and that might not be a bad thing for them to see -eventually. Next year at age two and the year after at age three, I see this as a potential nightmare. And to be a bit selfish, Christmas Eve at the relatives was a high stress time for me. It's difficult for me to keep an eye on both of them and although my mom helps, she gets distracted with family.

I considered skipping the event this year but reconsidered since this is the only family the twins are exposed to. My brothers live out of state and they have never met them, my father and grandparents are gone. The good news is I have almost an entire year to figure it out.

Kindle Alert! Life from Scratch

2011-12-30T09:05:00.000-05:00

The Kindle version of Life from Scratch is currently only 99 cents! Support Mel and go get it! I just did and can't wait to read it.

16 Months!

2011-12-28T19:42:00.000-05:00

Visiting Santa?

2011-12-06T10:16:00.002-05:00

Is it wrong that I don't want to take the twins to see Santa yet? I see pictures of babies much younger than my boys sitting on Santa's lap and with the exception of this great photo from Sarah, there is usually some unhappiness going on. I'm almost positive Santa would scare the crap out of the Dynamo and Sweet Potato would likely be perplexed and pull his beard. (And it's not like I get many pictures of Sweet Potato smiling anyway since his interest immediately goes to the camera in his face.)

Babies screaming on Santa's lap for some reason are not that appealing to me. I know people find it funny. Ellen DeGeneres highlights Bad Santa Photos on her show so they must be funny, right? Because I think she's hilarious.

Perhaps I am an unconventional mother who's desire not to scare her babies is stronger than her desire to get a picture of them visiting Santa Claus. Am I going to regret it if I don't take them? Will they wonder when they're older why they didn't see Santa when they were 1? I mean I'm considering waiting until they are 4 years old! Or maybe 3.

What age did you first take your little ones to sit on Santa's lap and how did it go?

One-On-One Time

2011-12-05T19:50:00.000-05:00

I've had some one-on-one time with both babies over the past few days. The day of Sweet Potato's flu shot challenge, I had time with just him while we waited out any reactions and we played together in the exam room. There was no brother there trying to get my attention or take the toys he was playing with. It made an unpleasant situation not so bad. That same afternoon, I opted to take the Dynamo with me to run some errands. On our list was a quick visit to Fabulous D's house and a trip to the grocery store which he loves.

Yesterday the twins had their second ever playdate with another set of boy-boy twins. There was no missing afternoon nap for the Dynamo (and he even displayed a nice melt down to prove it), but Sweet Potato would not think of napping while his friends were over and he was in such good spirits, I didn't have the heart to try to take away his fun. (Not to mention, I didn't want to risk him waking the Dynamo after an already rocky start to his nap.) After the playdate ended, and the Dynamo was in a deep sleep, I put Sweet Potato down. The kid slept twice as long as he usually does and right through dinner.

When the Dynamo woke up as Sweet Potato napped, I made him dinner and it was so nice just the two of us. For a minute, I thought this must be what it's like to have just one baby! And we had some nice playtime together after dinner. He went to bed for the night at the usual time and Sweet Potato was up an additional hour since he napped so late. I got to feed him dinner just the two of us while the Dynamo was winding down.

I think time with just mommy for the babies is good for all of us. We haven't really done it since I took them for swim lessons separately earlier this year. It makes it harder for me if they are on different nap times and I don't want to mess with the routine, but this type of occasional schedule change is so worth it.

Flu Shot Challenge

2011-12-02T10:40:00.005-05:00

Because of Sweet Potato's allergy to egg whites, his flu shot had to be administered at the allergist's office in the form of a "flu shot challenge". They did a scratch test for the vaccine, waited for any reaction (to which there was a small skin reaction), broke up the dose into two parts, gave dose #1, waited and watched for any reaction (to which there was none), gave the rest of the dose and waited and watched. The two hour appointment was a success. And Sweet Potato was a trooper. I brought a few toys, his pillow pet and a blanket for the five different waits in the exam room. He was really more interested in playing with the exam table and drawers in the room, but this new toy (purchased locally on sale and with a coupon for $2.40!) kept his interest for the majority of the time.

I really like his allergist and I'm learning more about his food allergies. When he was first diagnosed, I buried my head in the sand (which lasted for about one day), but now I am all about education. There's a good chance he will outgrow his allergy to eggs but outgrowing his allergy to peanuts and tree nuts is less likely. At my request, his allergist gave me a copy of his medical report from his first visit (I was too overwhelmed that day to even think of asking for documentation). I learned that the likelihood of a reaction to exposure to eggs is "high" (a 12.80 kU/L rating) and the likelihood to a reaction to peanuts rated a "very high" (a 28.70 kU/L rating). I also learned that while reactions are likely, the rating itself does not determine the type of reaction. In other words, he could have a mild reaction or a major one regardless of how high the kU/L rating. (And I apologize if I am not using these terms/abbreviations correctly. I'm still learning.) Also, a reaction to one exposure can be completely different to a reaction for a second exposure. And the key bit of thing for me to know is - AVOIDANCE is the most important thing.

After the twins were asleep last night, I spent more time online and found some medical bracelets and children's books on allergies. I think those things are in our near future. Educating Sweet Potato and everyone he comes in contact with on avoidance and treatment (Benadryl, administering his EpiPen, calling 911) has to be a high priority for me. I do not expect this to be an easy task. In fact, my mom, who has been aware of his allergies since the first reaction to scrambled eggs happened at age 12 months, ate a chocolate bar with ALMONDS at my house yesterday. From her hands to his skin can cause a reaction. Eating a crumb of her candy bar that falls on the floor can be fatal.

When I think of the future and Sweet Potato going to school, birthday parties, and playdates, I really worry. Then I remember by moto since I became pregnant with the twins: one day at a time.

Another Day in the Life

2011-11-21T10:38:00.027-05:00

...of A Single Mom to Twin Babies.

Sunday, November 13th

6:00 AM: Awakened by chatter on baby monitor. Times two. Go downstairs, pour morning bottles. Make coffee!
6:05 AM: Into the nursery to greet two happy babies standing up in their cribs. Morning bottles, playtime with Mommy. Music on. The Dynamo practices taking a few steps, the babies fight over toys and argue with Mommy about who gets to turn the light switches on and off. Throw load of laundry in the wash.
7:30 AM: Breakfast! Babies in high chairs. The Dynamo feeds himself Cheerios while I feed Sweet Potato oatmeal mixed with applesauce and vitamin drops. Then switch. Five tablespoons cereal each. They split a small banana, feeding themselves and dropping some on the floor.
7:50 AM: Clean faces and hands and put babies back in playroom. Clean up kitchen.
8:00 AM: Set up baby monitor in bathroom and take a shower! Babies play together while I shower, get dressed and blow dry my hair.
8:30 AM: More playtime with Mommy.
9:00 AM: Nap time in cribs! I eat breakfast. Switch laundry. Straighten playroom. Sweep floor.
10:30 AM: Babies awake! Mid-morning bottles.
10:45 AM: Change babies out of pjs. Coats, socks and shoes on. Load them in the car and head to the park less than 5 minutes away. (Thank goodness the only thing they want to do right now is swing which I can manage on my own. Once they want to do the slides or climb or go in two different directions, going solo will be a challenge! Maybe I need those backpack leash things. Thoughts?)

Take these pictures:

12:10 PM: Out of swings, into stroller, into car. Tears. Times two. They don't want to leave.
12:30 PM: Home, out of coats and shoes, into highchairs. Lunch! They split a jelly sandwich on wheat toast, diced pears and some goldfish crackers. They feed themselves.
12:50 PM: Babies back in playroom. Clean kitchen. Switch laundry. Read emails and blog posts. Pay some bills online.
1:10 PM: Join the babies in the playroom. Work on colors and shapes. Attempt to read to them while Sweet Potato fights me for the book.
2:30 PM: Nap time! Fold laundry. Order two of these for the twins for Christmas. (Hey the trailer was included!) Change light bulb outside on garage.
3:50 PM: Babies awake! Feed them some baby yogurt. Into coats, socks and shoes for a ride in the wagon around the block. Sweet Potato points up at the trees and slurs his excitement. Both babies try to touch the wheels as the wagon is moving.
5:30 PM: Dinner! Macaroni and cheese, peas and carrots, Gerber Graduates lil crunchies.
6:00 PM: Bath time! Sweet Potato goes into the walker in the doorway to the bathroom while I bathe the Dynamo in a tub just like this one (awesome by the way). I pull Sweet Potato and the walker into the nursery while carrying a toweled up Dynamo. PJs for the Dynamo, onto the floor, Sweet Potato out of the walker, onto the floor, Dynamo IN the walker, Sweet Potato crawls to the bathroom as I pull the Dynamo and the walker there (the walker doesn't move well on the hallway carpet). Sweet Potato has bath and into PJs! (Did you follow all that? It's as crazy as it sounds but it works!)
6:50 PM: More playtime in the playroom. I put away toys they are not using and restock diapers, and wipes. I have quick dinner.
7:15 PM: Evening bottles. Babies in bouncy seats watching Baby Einstein DVD. Lights down.
7:30 PM: Take the Dynamo up, brush teeth!, into the crib. He fusses waiting for his brother.
7:35 PM: Sweet Potato's turn, brush teeth, into crib. Fill nursery humidifier with water. Kiss the babies good night through the crib slats.
7:45 PM: Wash bottles, baby dishes, clean-up kitchen for sitter coming tomorrow. Clean blueberry baby yogurt off wall (how did that get there?).
8:30 PM: Go to bed! Catch up on news, blogs, FB on smartphone.
9:00 PM: Sleep, glorious sleep!

Not a peep until about 6 AM the next day. Awakened by chatter on baby monitor. Times two. :)

What a difference six months make. To see what I mean, check out my last Day in The Life Post.

A Walk Before Bedtime

2011-11-19T06:45:00.000-05:00

Breaking Up With A Blogger

2011-11-14T10:40:00.004-05:00

I'm sure we've all done it - broken up with a blogger. You find someone online, a connection is made, you add them to your reader and can't wait to read their next post. You comment on their posts often sharing your excitement over their good news or offering support if the news isn't so good. You're there with an ear, some advice and how you handled the same thing they are going through or might handle it if you haven't been in their shoes before. You do this for a long time, years maybe, and then realize your online friend never comments on your posts. In fact, you're pretty sure they never even read your blog.

At what point do you walk away?

Maybe you've added a comment and asked the writer a question. Something quick for her to answer - an explanation of an abbreviation from her post for example. And she doesn't add another comment. And she writes a new post and never answers your question there either. Eh - no big deal. An oversight.

Then there's the blogger who invites comments or emails that require her to respond. Perhaps she talks about this awesome recipe and tells her readers to leave a comment if they'd like her to email it to them. And you do. And she doesn't. I guess she didn't mean you. She meant her other followers.

Do you stop reading then?

When I was in the thick of TTC, I followed a blogger who was years ahead of me with mostly heartache. Like many of us, she was hit with disappointment and challenges left and right. I followed her through some life changes like a move across the country, supported her when she had unfavorable comments on a post, emailed (and was granted) a password request when she went private. And then somewhere between my second and third miscarriage, I unsubscribed. It felt like a completely one-sided relationship. Not once did she comment on a post of mine. When I needed it most, not one 'thinking of you' from her. It shouldn't matter. I was fortunate enough to have so many online friends who did comment. But the next update from her in my reader? It stung a little bit.

Like many relationships where I feel slighted, I look to myself. Am I there for my readers like I should be? Am I doing enough? There are many times when I comment in my head when I read a post but don't take the time to type it. I tell myself I'll do it later. And then I don't. I feel guilty about that. But to never comment? After months or years of support given to me? No, I wouldn't do that.

Note to Self - Post More Often

2011-11-03T10:25:00.000-04:00

I think I have said this before. I need to post more often because once I do, whatever issue I'm complaining about at the time, is better. Yesterday? Napper Champions. Two naps, both babies, at the same time, in the AM and in the PM. It helps that my babysitter ROCKS. And it helps that it was nice enough for them to get some outside time.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments! To answer Gwinne's question, I have tried adjusting the time both earlier and later. I learned early on (during the Witching Hour Phase), that if I miss the window for the Dynamo, it's extra difficult for him to fall asleep. This is true for naps too although he's not as fussy as he was back then.

We have good nap days and not so good nap days. More importantly for Mama (and it's all about Mama), we have pretty good nights.

In other news, the Dynamo took nine steps last night by himself. NINE. Eeeeek!

Nap Monsters

2011-11-02T10:21:00.000-04:00

Naptime has had a good run. There have been several months of at the same time, in the cribs, both babies, napping. That time apparently is over. Morning naps are still pretty okay but afternoon naps? Fogettaboutit. Especially the Dynamo. Perhaps the transition is to one nap a day, you say? Well I’d buy that if they actually slept longer than an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning. And while they do not wake the other up at night (and thankfully do not wake up too much at night anymore as it is), they do tend to wake the other during the day. I tried, very unsuccessfully I might add, to separate them for naps. I set up the Pack-N-Play in my room for the Dynamo and put Sweet Potato in his crib in the nursery. Epic fail. I knew it wouldn’t work before I even tried it.

Oh well. It was nice while it lasted….

Dyn-O-Mite!

2011-11-01T12:29:00.000-04:00

My little non-trick-or-treat-ers....

Fall Fun

2011-10-28T20:47:00.001-04:00

Last Saturday, after struggling with the twins after lunch to get diapers changed, warm clothes ON, coats ON, shoes ON, and load them up in the car (meanwhile an hour has gone by since I started this process), we met my friend and her son and hit up a farm market.

It was cold and cloudy but we still managed to have a good time despite the expression on Sweet Potato's face in nearly every picture....

This is one of those rare pictures where they look so alike.

Minutes after this was taked, the Dynamo tried to eat the flowers -hands free.

Then we came home and the Dynamo just wanted to read a book....

And Sweet Potato wanted a snack....

Sunday was a nicer day and I wanted to start a tradition at the farm market close by our house so we went again...

This weekend? We might hit up another farm market. This one with a train and giant jumping pillow! Maybe I can get a picture of Sweet Potato smiling at the camera. And maybe this time I'll actually get some pumpkins.

It All Comes Back

2011-10-27T10:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was killing time on my lunch hour window shopping. I went into a Dollar Tree and perused the isles. When I hit the isle with the pregnancy tests, it all came back. I bought so many of those things at a Dollar store. There they were. I was brought back to all those months where I tested and tested (and tested!) - sometimes way too early, sometimes way too much. It reminds me of all my online friends still testing (and testing, and testing). I think of all of you often.

So another thing about the allergies….

2011-10-05T10:41:00.000-04:00

I know I should not complain about my mother. Besides watching the twins for me three days per week (at about 1/3 the cost of daycare), my mom does a lot for me around the house and I am very grateful.

HOWEVER, she also stirs up my anxiety and frustrates me.

Example: After Sweet Potato had his blood test, the pediatrician called me about the results and recommended I take him to an allergist. Honestly, I was happy to go. I wanted answers from a specialist. My mother bombarded me with questions about why he was going to an allergist, thought the pediatrician was passing the buck, why didn’t he see the allergist first then, etc. Okay, Grandma? Not Helping. When she doesn’t understand things, she gets defensive and fires off questions without thinking (I think). She doesn’t realize that the day I find out my kid has to have an EpiPen with him at all times, I really don’t need to be stirred up with potential conflict.

What’s even more frustrating is I don’t think she gets the seriousness of the allergy situation. When I got the blood test results before Sweet Potato met with the allergist, they said he was also allergic to soybean. Turns out he is not and that is a typical result from the blood test for those with an egg allergy. The allergist retested him. In the nine days between the time of the blood test results and the visit to the allergist, I, of course, restricted all things with soybean including animal crackers (not that either kid is a big fan of them, but I am). I had purchased a large container from BJs and put a post-it note on them “No Sweet Potato”. Besides soybean, it also says on the label in bold print: made in a bakery that uses nuts.

So yesterday I gave the container to my mom to take home. I didn’t want them in the house. She emails me this morning: “Tell me again why I'm eating too many animal crackers? The only thing I see that used to be a problem for [Sweet Potato] is the soy. I don't see any egg.” Grrrrr. Let’s just say it’s a good thing this was in an email. So I wrote her back and tried to make it fun and said to look again. She did find the part about the nuts. And hopefully she will learn something from this. Because as the person who is with my kids the most after me, she needs to know how to read labels.

I know I need to chill out. And I will try. But geez!

Also, I heard from Gwinne that Blogger may not let you leave comments. If you want to and can’t, please email me at meandbaby.meandbaby@gmail.com. I would love the input!

Birthdays, Play Dates, and Allergies

2011-10-04T16:12:00.002-04:00

I had a party for the twins first birthday last month and besides the fact that I almost killed my mother and got very few decorations put up (we're talking two balloons), I would call it a success. It was nice enough to have outside and my awesome friends helped me clean up. I am not really a theme person but let's just say the theme was the number one:

***

The twins also had their very first play date a couple of weekends ago. I hosted the play date for a co-worker who is also a parent to twin boys. His boys are nine months old and we were excited to see our babies interact with each other. The Dynamo gave his cautious stare for the first twenty minutes or so but after that, he just thought of the other boys as another item in the room - kind of like his brother. Sweet Potato was all smiles as soon as he met his new friends but both he and The Dynamo were really more interested in my co-worker (who stands at 6 feet, 4 inches) and his wife. Apparently new adults, especially tall ones, are more interesting than new babies.

***

My last tid-bit today is my most serious one. Sweet Potato has been diagnosed with allergies. After a scary, but thankfully not too serious, reaction to two tiny bites of scrambled eggs a few weeks ago, a blood test initiated by his pediatrician and a consult and scratch test with an allergist, he has been diagnosed with allergies to peanuts, egg whites, and cat dander. The peanut and egg allergies are quite high.

I've been a bit of a wreck for the past two weeks imaging the effect this will have on our small family. He's been prescribed an EpiPen Jr. and I have to have it with him at all times and my sweet cat of twelve years is temporarily staying with my mom until I can find a permanent home for her. This explains his eczema last winter as the pet dander is stirred up the most when the furnace is running. This weekend starts operation remove-pet-dander from my house which I'm told can take months. I've been researching air filters/purifiers and a new vacuum cleaner to help. If anyone has any suggestions or experience with food or pet allergies in their little one, I would love to hear them. Honestly I am pretty freaked out. And sad. Both Sweet Potato and The Dynamo love the kitty. And the peanut allergy scares the hell out of me.

Letting It Go

2011-08-29T10:24:00.001-04:00

How do you let it go? When you make a mommy mistake, how do you let it go?

The twins turned (omg) ONE yesterday and I had a party for them on Saturday. I plan to do a proper birthday post compete with pictures soon but have a question for my readers. With my crazy party planning on Friday and Saturday the twins could easily tell something was up and their calm daily routine was a little off as I was running around the house doing things. I think this threw their nap schedules off. Sweet Potato missed his afternoon nap altogether and the Dynamo finally went down for his a little later than usual and was still asleep as the guests started to arrive.

About twenty minutes into the party I decided to wake up the Dynamo. He had been asleep in the nursery by now more for than an hour and a half and that is typically his max nap time (unlike Sweet Potato who takes a three hour morning nap on occasion and that morning had slept for two and half hours). The party was outside and there was a lot of commotion both inside and outside the house.

I was outside, went in and realized somehow the baby monitor had been turned off. I don't know how this happened but when I flipped it on, I instantly heard the Dynamo crying. To be fair he wasn't wailing and when I went upstairs there weren't actual tears streaming down his face but how long had my little man been crying? He's almost always standing up when I go to get him and he was sitting in his crib. Had he been crying for so long that he got tired of standing and had to sit? I just can't seem to let this go. I feel so bad that he was up there and no one heard him. When it's just me in the house you can hear them without the baby monitor but with lots of people coming in and out, no one would have heard him without the monitor on.

I changed him into his birthday onesie and shorts and he soon recovered. In fact, he was the life of the party "helping" me open presents, eating well and wiping his first-time-ever cake frosting all over his face. So no scars on baby. No memory I'm sure. BUT I STILL CAN'T SHAKE IT. And this is tiny. I know I will make more, bigger mommy mistakes. If I can't get over this, how will I handle those?

How do you do it?

Twin Reduction - Both Sides

2011-08-23T20:53:00.027-04:00

I first heard about the NYT article, The Two-Minus-One Pregnancy, from Facebook when one of my co-workers posted a link to an editorial on it written by a Southern Baptist doctor. I won’t link to his post but let me just say the word ‘murder’ was in his title. As ignorant as I thought that blog post was, as I read the NYT article, I flinched all the way through it. And then I read Mel’s post. And then I read Dora’s. I had too much to say for a comment and didn’t think I had enough time to write a proper post (thank goodness for a slow work day) but I couldn’t get the article out of my head.

When the beta hCG for my fourth pregnancy was as high as it was (422 @ 14dpIUI) and then skyrocketed from there (1287 @ 16dpIUI and 3694 @ 18dpIUI), the thought that there was more than one was pretty clear and that there could be more than two even entered my mind. And that introduced the thought of selective reduction. I quickly put that thought aside until I knew the facts which believe it or not, I am pretty good at doing. (I’m a one day at a time kind of girl. I mean I have to be - I’m a single mother who doesn’t make a lot of money and who doesn’t have a lot of physical support. I have to take it one day at a time or I will have a major anxiety attack!) But this is not about selectively reducing high order multiples; it’s about reducing a twin pregnancy to a singleton. I admit I breathed a sigh of relief after the first ultrasound showed that there were only two but there were two. And one of me. I won’t deny the thought of reducing was still there. Briefly. I am thankful I didn’t make that choice. Not only am I doing it, my babies are thriving. And my life is so full.

I wonder why the Times didn't profile someone like me: a single mother who, after her 8^th IUI and 3^rd miscarriage in a row became pregnant with twins and briefly considered selective reduction because, well, she’s single. Beyond that, She (Me), at age 40 ½, had a fairly uneventful pregnancy, worked full-time until 36 ½ weeks, carried to 37 weeks, and while there were a few complications at the end of the pregnancy, gave birth to two healthy boys with no known medical issues or developmental delays. Wait, I know why. Because that’s boring. It’s much more interesting to say IVF instead of IUI, discuss the negative impact raising twins can have on families and mothers, and talk about struggling rather than thriving.

I read how the subjects in the article couldn’t imagine caring for twins – TWO infants. OMG that’s so hard, how will WE manage, how will we afford it? In their defense, I don’t have other children and I don’t know any differently. And the reality is I am one of the lucky ones. I know how lucky I am that my boys went to term and are healthy. I've read a lot of blogs where a twin is lost either before or after birth, or where one twin is healthy while the other is not. I know about a dozen families in real life with twins and can think of only one or two where there is not a medical issue (that I know of) with at least one of the twins.

And I especially wonder about this statement taken from the article:

Because A. had already miscarried once, her doctor worried she might not carry two to term; if she reduced, the doctor said, she had a better chance of taking a baby home.

Really? Because I had three losses in a row and my doctor never once indicated a similar worry. Perhaps there’s more to this medically that this statement indicates.

With saying all this, I do have a confession to make. (I warned you my thoughts are all over the place). When the twins were newborns, I wondered if I made the right decision*. I mean it was hard – it IS hard – but it was about more than that. It was about their quality of life. Because there’s two of them and one of me, I didn’t take them out often (it would literally take an hour to get all of us out the door). Because there’s two of them and one of me, we don’t go to the park often. Because there’s two of them and one of me, they don’t get as much attention as they might get if it was one on one. I wondered if they would miss out on future experiences because I likely won’t be able to afford to pay for two to attend something where I might have been able to afford for one of them to. I talked about this with one of my friends who has one brother and he put it in perspective for me. He said that while they may not be able to do as many costly “things” as they could if there was only one, in his opinion the experience of growing up with a sibling outweighs that. And watching them now, days away from turning one, I get it. I love how Mel writes about her twins' connection and mine have it already. Sure, they fight over toys and the Dynamo sometimes pushes Sweet Potato away or down if he thinks he might get more attention, but their faces light up when they see each other. They laugh and squeal and chase and head-butt and kiss (eat?) and love and mimic each other. It's truly a joy to watch.

I know I sound judgy and a little hypocritical. I am torn about this topic in a way I likely would not be if my situation was different. While I always add the caveat I don’t think I could ever terminate, I am not against it. I am Pro-Choice. If you, as my friend, came to me in a situation where you thought you needed to reduce, for whatever reason, I would support you. And as Dora said, as callous as the women in the Times article sounded, we don’t know what their thought process was like, how many tears were shed, what quotes the writer didn’t use or were edited out.

If I have learned anything from infertility and RPL it is not to question someone else's choices in family building. I'm not perfect at that but I continue to try to keep an open mind.

*I never once imagined one of THEM not being here as in one of my actual little boys. It was always an abstract thought – not an actual baby who came into this world and I met not being here. I could never imagine not having both of them in my life.

Still Here

2011-08-18T20:15:00.000-04:00

Hello friends! I'm still here reading your blogs and commenting when I can. Currently I'm trying to get the twins first birthday party planned and the house and yard ready for the big day. Almost ONE. I can't believe it.

The babies are both standing holding on to the gate -or a chair -or the wall. The Dynamo started doing this a few weeks ago and now moves around the room from thing to thing. Sweet Potato's first time was this past Monday. It's so strange to see them standing! And my boys are tall (check out their 'Watch Me Grow' pages for stats) so they look like little preschoolers when they stand. They are crawling machines too.

They both can say "Mama". It's officially the Dynamo's first word. It will likely be Sweet Potato's too but he says it all together like "Mamamamamama" so I'm not sure if that counts. :)

We're still basically at only two bottom teeth each which is killing me. Those top teeth want to come in soooo badly and the babies are clearly uncomfortable. I wish they would poke through already. The Dynamo is so close.

Oh and they are so happy together! They LOVE to play together and squeal and laugh and smile at each other all the time. It is such a joy to watch. I am a very lucky mama.

That's all I have for now. I feel like I have so much to say and then once I sit down to write a post, I draw a blank. Probably not having a lot of free time is part of it. I'll be sure to post again after the big day!

Thanks for sticking around!

11 Months

2011-07-28T13:07:00.001-04:00

Sweet Potato

The Dynamo

June

2011-07-01T12:57:00.002-04:00

June was a whirlwind month. I started a new job and it nearly knocked me on my ass. I don't mean physically but emotionally. It's a change. A necessary change and a huge one. It took me nearly all month to realize that it was the right change but that didn't come without many emotions.

I still catch myself with bouts of anxiety over the fact that I am solely responsible for these two amazing babies. Me. Alone. And every decision I make affects them. The thoughts overwhelm me sometimes. I know I am 'doing it' and I know I am lucky and I know I have good babies and that helps.

With this new job, I have less time to blog so here are some highlights:

In June:

Sweet Potato started and finished waterbabies (The Dynamo went last session).
Both babies got their first two bottom teeth!
Sweet Potato joined his brother in the army/belly crawling department!
The babies got their first colds.
The Dynamo joined his brother with lots of "talking".
The Dynamo started waving bye (sort of).
Sweet Potato claps his hands together (sort of).

And of course, I couldn't post without adding some pictures....

The Dynamo

Sweet Potato

Finally a shot where they are both looking!
Taken on their 10-month birthday.

Happy July!

Drive By Post

2011-06-05T15:22:00.002-04:00

So I couldn't be busier but blogging has been on my mind so I carved out some time today to type this quick post. For starters, I got a new job! After this work crap, I found a position that sounds great and I start tomorrow!! YIKES. It's quite weird for me to be going someplace else for work after I have been at the same company for 17 years but I'm ready. It was an extensive hiring process and took five weeks but I think my timing was perfect. I have to admit Friday was a sad day at my old job. Lots of tears but this is absolutely the right decision for me and my family.

In other news,the babies have gone backwards in the night time sleep department. I'm blaming it on this -

The Dynamo has teeth!

Sweet Potato has been waking up a lot at night too and no teeth yet for him. I feel like it's back to the newborn stage and find giving them a bottle is the only thing that calms them to go back to sleep. And I do give them bottles before bed. I tell ya starting a new job with no sleep is not going to be fun but what's a (single) girl to do!

The Dynamo is a little army crawler and I got the baby gates up just in time. He gets up on his knees and rocks too. Sweet Potato scoots a little bit on his fanny and on his belly he goes around in circles or backwards so I think it's just a matter of time for him.

Sweet Potato and I have swim lessons this month twice a week (unlike last session with the Dynamo where it was only once each week for eight weeks) and he seems to really like it! I get big smiles from him all the time.

I have a lot of other posts brewing in my head and hopefully I can find (make) time to post them. I have been keeping up with all of your blogs and I know I have a few blog awards to acknowledge. Thank you for those! Happy June!

A Day in The Life

2011-05-16T11:56:00.009-04:00

...of A Single Mom to Twin Babies.

Saturday, May 14th

4:20 AM: Awakened by rare night time cries from the Dynamo. I bring him in bed with me.
5:00 AM: Return the Dynamo to his crib. Sweet Potato does not wake up. Go back to bed.
6:30 AM: Both babies awake. Morning bottles and mat time until breakfast.
7:15 AM: Head to the basement to feed kitty. Make coffee!
7:45 AM: Breakfast! Babies in high chairs. The Dynamo chomps on a Mum-Mum while I feed Sweet Potato oatmeal with banana mixed with pears. Then switch. Four tablespoons cereal each.
8:15 AM: Clean faces and hands and wheel high chairs over to sink so babies can watch me wash baby bottles, bowls and plates and unload the dishwasher. I sing and dance along with the radio while they play with rattles and teething rings.
8:35 AM: Play time in doorway jumper and walker. Shoot this video -

9:00 AM: Nap time in cribs!
9:10 AM: Strip my bed sheets and throw in wash along with other linens.
9:25 AM: Straighten up play room, eat bagel, change out of my pjs, clean out storage cabinets in mud/laundry room. Restock downstairs changing table.
10:45 AM: Babies awake! Mid-morning bottles which they don't finish.
11:15 AM: Change babies out of pjs. Play time in nursery while I sort through their old clothes. Take apart, clean and box up nursery humidifier*. Replace it with table fan.
12:00 PM: Lunch! The Dynamo picks Cheerios off his high chair tray while I feed Sweet Potato chicken with rice, green beans and carrots.   Then switch.
12:30 PM: Play time in the exersaucer and musical sit/stand toys.
12:45 PM: Switch morning laundry, do a full load of twins laundry. Hand wash the Dynamo's swim trunks and swim diaper and my bathing suit for swim class.
1:10 PM: Read emails and blog posts. Order diapers, wipes and this swimming pool from Amazon.com. Eat quick lunch. Rescue Sweet Potato who has tipped over from a sitting position.
1:25 PM: Play time with floor toys. Kitty joins us. The Dynamo pulls chunks of cat fur off kitty while Sweet Potato laughs. Kitty tolerates the love.
1:45 PM: Afternoon naps in cribs.
2:00 PM: Vacuum kitchen, foyer and play room floors. Unpack box of jars of baby food, put on storage rack and take inventory. Organize pantry.
2:15 PM: Babies awake?! More play time in the nursery as I continue my clothing sort. Generate five bags of clothes for friend of a friend who just had twin boys via a surrogate. Watch the Dynamo move around the nursery on his belly backwards; pull him out from under Sweet Potato's crib. Help Sweet Potato practice rolling over in both directions.
2:45 PM: Relocate to play room (rainy day kept us indoors!). Finish mid-morning bottles.
3:15 PM: Switch laundry, make bed, wash bouncy seat head rests and Sweet Potato's monkey. Drag bins of my winter clothes from upstairs to basement storage.
3:45 PM: More mat time; reposition babies from belly to sitting, from sitting to belly, pull the Dynamo out from under the changing table where he has backed himself into on his belly.
4:25 PM: Read books to babies: Dr Seuss' The Things You Can Think! and There's A Wocket in My Pocket!.
5:00 PM: Dinner! Oatmeal with banana mixed with apples. Five tablespoons cereal each.
5:20 PM: Babies play on mat while I clean up dinner dishes. Join them on the mat and fold laundry.
5:50 PM: I have quick microwave dinner.
6:00 PM: Babies in jammies. They play together with blocks and Sesame Street pop-up toy and sit in front of their musical sit/stand toys.
6:30 PM: Evening bottles. Babies in bouncy seats watching Baby Einstein DVD. Lights down.
7:00 PM: Sweet Potato in crib. Dynamo fighting sleep.
7:30 PM: Dynamo in crib.
8:00 PM: Clean up play room, get mail, take out trash.
8:30 PM: Go to bed! Catch up on news, blogs, FB on smartphone.
9:00 PM: The Dynamo wakes up; bring him in bed with me. Feel tip of very first bottom tooth poking through gums!
9:30 PM: Back to his crib for the Dynamo. Back to bed for me.
11:50 PM: Teething strikes again: the Dynamo wakes up....

Notice there are no entries for bathing either myself of the babies in my Saturday schedule. I often stay stinky on Saturdays and only bathe the twins right now when someone else is in the house.

Next Saturday's "Day in the Life" consists of childproofing! I live in a split level house with no railings. Baby gates here we come.

*Switching out the humidifier with the fan was a bit premature as my heat is back on in the house!

Update: Click Here to read a typical day in the life when the twins are six months older.

Test Driving Our New (to us) Stroller

2011-05-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

All strapped in in the foyer -

Sweet Potato: "Let's go Mom, let's go!"

Finally making it to the driveway -

"WAIT! We must watch every car drive by our house."

Hitting the neighborhood -

"Ah... the good life."

(In case you're wondering, the bottoms of their shoes are black from going up and down the driveway in the walker!)

Sadness

2011-05-06T12:07:00.001-04:00

In no particular order...

The father of a close friend of mine fell off a ladder last week and is on life support. She and her family are deciding what the next course of treatment will be this weekend. And her birthday is tomorrow.
I'm interviewing for a new job next week which has the potential to take me away from a place I have worked for nearly 17 years with many people I am close to.
My left eye won't stop twitching.
A co-worker's best friend's mother passed away yesterday.
A friend of mine was arrested for DWI 2 weeks ago. (I know and she knows - a horrible choice made on her part. I still feel sad that it happened.)
My toe still hurts from the battle with the bouncy seat.
This weekend will be a very sad time for many bloggers out there.

I hate to be a downer and I know I have so many good things in my life. I am truly grateful. I'm just feeling a little sad today. I hope some happy things start to happen for those around me soon.

Battle of the Bouncy

2011-05-04T11:33:00.001-04:00

Bouncy Seat = 1, MeAndBaby = 0

I know, I know - Momma needs a pedicure. And a toe splint!

Moms of Teethers - FDA Warning for Baby Orajel and Similar Products

2011-05-03T09:56:00.000-04:00

There's a new warning from the FDA regarding an ingredient found in Baby Orajel and Ambesol. You can read it here.

Does anyone have any other teething recommendations? I just ordered Sophie the Giraffe.

Reconnecting - Dollars and $ense of Family Building

2011-04-29T09:04:00.014-04:00

I started blogging when I started TTC. After eight IUIs, I was lucky enough to have a pregnancy that lasted and resulted in the births of my twins. Since then, I've blogged about our little family and used this space to get advice about raising my sons with topics like feeding, sleeping, childcare and surviving as a single mom of two.

While I've likely lost some old readers and gained some new ones with my blog transformations from TTC to pregnancy to parenting, I haven't felt like an active part of the ALI community lately. It's the community no one wants to be a part of -until you are. And then you can't imagine family building without it. (Unless you're one of those fertile, clueless, lucky ones.)

Hooray for the blog carnival hosted by Write Mind, Open Heart and Baby Smiling in Back Seat. I can contribute to the discussion on budgeting and financial family planning and feel like an active part of this community again. (I have some other community related posts brewing which I hope keep me connected as well.)

When I decided to TTC, I didn't think it would take two years, an infertility diagnosis, a slew of fertility drugs, and three losses before I became a mother. But it did. And I'm one of the lucky ones. Cycle after cycle, I kept waiting for them to say the letters, "IVF" and for the bottom to fall out financially but they never did. In fact, I brought up in-vitro at my WTF meeting after loss number three. The RE said it wouldn't necessarily help me since I was in fact getting pregnant. It would just cost more.

My story started when my gynecologist gave me a referral for the fertility center and scheduled me for a FSH test and HSG without knowing if was fertile or not. As a 39 year-old SMC wannabe, she said the fertility center would want the tests so I might as well do them while I waited for my consultation. They were covered by insurance with a co-pay. My insurance company also agreed to cover the fertility center consult and ultrasounds and lab work were partially covered as diagnostic testing. The IUIs were out of pocket. And of course the donor sperm was my cost. My out-of-pocket cost for an IUI was $185. Not a typo. That was how much each of the first four IUIs cost me without insurance. In fact, the cost of a single IUI was one of the least expensive of all the things I paid for. Donor sperm varied between $300 for local anonymous swimmers to $600 for semi-local open identity donors. I started with the open identity variety and when the funds ran low, switched to the locals.

In six months, I did four cycles. Clomid and ovidrel were the only meds I used during that time. Fortunately for me, after six months of trying, and the REs interpretation of my lab results, I was diagnosed as infertile and was able to get up to six more IUIs now covered by insurance with only a co-pay. This was a huge help as I was now moving onto injectible medications with varying insurance coverage. I won't bore you with the cost specifics (if you want them, email me) but while I ended up paying out more than my original budget, I'm fairly certain my costs were much less than others.

I plan to be very open with my kids about how they came to be. That has always been the plan even before I knew how long or how much money it would take to get them here. While I can't say for sure, I hope my openness will help them to accept that while they may not have been conceived the same way their friend who lives up the street was, they were created out of love and want. And yes, it took some money. And that's okay.

Money has been a touchy subject in my family. My brother went through a messy divorce and his ex likes to talk about things like child support with their young children. He struggles financially and his kids are very aware of that. It's a burden I don't think their young minds should have.

If my children ask me how much they cost at age 7, (and I hope that they don't), I will try to answer in such a way that takes the focus off of money and more about us as a family. They'll already know that they don't have a daddy and that many people worked hard to help Mommy have them. I'll tell them getting pregnant cost a lot but it was worth every penny. If they press me, I'll compare the cost to something they know we're paying for at the time like, "Lots and lots of soccer camps." If they ask at age 18, I'll tell them that the process to get pregnant cost more than I had planned but not as much as many families pay. Instead of a dollar amount, I'll tell them nearly all the money in my savings account at the time. And remind them how important it is to save money for things you want.

When calculating how much they cost, I include every cycle, every donor sample, every loss, every procedure and every medication from the time I decided to start the process to graduation from the RE to my OB. I even include the books I bought on becoming a SMC.

I took family building one day a time. I knew that with each failed cycle or loss, I could be done based on cost but I was fortunate enough that I saved enough to do "one more cycle" -seven more times. I also imagined I would only have one child and that money would be the reason. When it finally worked, I was sure I wouldn't have the money to go through the process again a few years later. I feel very lucky (most of the time!) that I had twins and my boys will always have each other.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by May 1, should you want to contribute your thoughts.

To My Babies: Volume 3

2011-04-28T14:29:00.000-04:00

You're eight months old today!

Little Sweet Potato,

You are such a little flirt! You are especially happy now that your skin is mostly cleared up from the eczema. You smile all the time. And you are such a chatterbox!! Everyone loves to hear you "talk"!

Besides pulling off your socks which you've been doing for months, you pull off your bibs now too. Mommy doesn't mind unless you're eating solid food - then she makes sure to put the bibs on that velcro in the back, not the side.

You just LOVE our kitty. You get so excited when she comes in the room! You reach out to pet her and can be a little rough but she tolerates it well.

Rolling over is still not your favorite thing but you'll do it if you need to. You would much rather sit up on your own and do that pretty well! Sometimes you tip over onto your side or back but not too often.

Now that the weather is warmer and we are able to get outside, you enjoy watching the cars drive down our street.

Dearest Dynamo,

You are the one to watch for sure, always moving and rolling right off the playmat. Mommy has been putting off really childproofing but you remind her often that she needs to do it very soon.

You love Puffs and can even put them in your mouth yourself! Maybe not every time, but when you concentrate really hard, you manage to get one off the tray of your highchair and put it in your mouth. Mommy let you try feeding yourself with the spoon once and you managed to get that in your mouth too but when you pulled it out, the food was still on it! We'll try again soon though.

Waterbabies class is so much fun with you. You still don't smile a lot while we're there but you're not unhappy. You just take it all in and like to watch all the people. You kick and move your arms with Mommy just like you're supposed to. Next week we're going to try giving you an early dinner before class to see if that brings on the smiles.

Crap Week

2011-04-16T10:54:00.007-04:00

I've had a crappy week. To be fair, it started off last Saturday well. The weather was nice and I was able to get the twins outside....

Then there was a systems issue at work and I had to go in. The twins went with me. They were less than thrilled....

Notice the kicking action going on in the back seat?

I spent about an hour in the office and then followed up with about five hours of work from home on Sunday. Turns out it was all for nothing. I had to work late Monday and had a mom-moment at work - I cried when I thought I wouldn't be able to put the twins to bed. It would have been the first time I missed that. Luckily, I made it by 15 minutes but crying at work? Not fun.

Tuesday was swim day for me and the Dynamo. He napped in the morning but not in the afternoon and the class is at 5:25 PM. He managed okay, only a little fussing and he seemed to enjoy it but was visibly tired. The worst part of the class was when another little one - I'm guessing about one year old - started crying. She was not happy and her mother was not helping. That kid just did not want to be there. I nearly started crying myself (seriously). Mom kept trying to get her to participate and I heard the word "naughty" come out of her mouth. Not my business, I know, but she was unhappy and she's a baby! Sit on the side for a minute and see if she calms down and if not, take her out of there. Naughty? Hardly. Tired, hungry, scared? More likely. It was the first time I had seen them in the class. They finally left. That poor kid.

Wednesday may have been the only non-eventful day of the week.

Thursday I found out they created a new position at work and hired someone for it. This person would be taking over part of my job - a part I enjoy but I do understand and am okay with. The kicker - she will be working for my boss and WORKING FROM HOME. She has an eight month-old baby girl. All that crap my boss fed me about company policy? Apparently it was a line of BS. And I really like my boss. To catch you up, I wanted to work from home maybe two days per week. I would have settled for one day and I would have been happy if he said I could only do it for X number of months. Give me something. Show me that you appreciate the 17 years I have put in and all the work from home I ALREADY do - most of which that is above and beyond my job requirements. Nope. His reasons included that he was worried about other employees asking to do it, there was no policy in place, and he wanted "his staff" in the office. I heard about this Thursday right before I left work. My boss doesn't know that I know. Friday I called in sick - something I never do. I have taken so few sick days in my years there that I was able to use three weeks of sick time when I was on maternity leave with more than a week to spare. I spent Friday morning updating my resume and applied for job online. It's time. It's past time.

The twins had a better day than I did on Thursday....

Friday was the first day in a long time where I wasn't working and didn't have to take care of the babies. I tried sleeping in then spent all morning on my resume and cover letter. I have a long list of things to do that I can't ever do, that still didn't get done. So much for that extra eight hours. I did run a few errands but the laundry, spring cleaning, yard work and spring/winter clothes sorting are still on the agenda.

The babies didn't nap well on Friday - the Dynamo napped about for about a half-hour in the morning and that was it. He was tired and miserable all day and was a bear to put down for the night. He slept straight through - eleven hours without a peep - but Sweet Potato had one of those up every two-ish hours night.

Which brings us to today, Saturday. May it be the end of the crap week. Despite the awful weather, so far, so good.

*~*~*

Sweet Potato

the Dynamo

Ungrateful Indeed

2011-04-08T15:29:00.001-04:00

And then Grandma sends me an email like this one:

"They both woke up a bit ago and both fussy, so I changed Sweet Potato's diaper upstairs and put him on the floor while I got the Dynamo. I changed his diaper and put him on the floor next to Sweet Potato and finished dressing him. Well the Dynamo was crying so Sweet Potato put his hand on the Dynamo's face as though to make him feel better. He was talking and putting his hand on his brother's face. And Sweet Potato has started placing his hand on his forehead as though he is contemplating the world's woes. He was doing that at lunch and I said oh poor baby and he just looked at me. He didn't cry, just was so serious that I started to laugh out loud. The Dynamo laughed with me. Sweet Potato just kept looking at me as though I was so uncaring. So cute."

Yeah, I likely wouldn't get play by plays from anyone else. And I never use the twins' nicknames outside of this blog. I edited the email message.

Ungrateful Daughter?

2011-04-08T09:20:00.011-04:00

My mom watches the twins at my house three days per week while I am at work. Among other things, she will make my coffee, feed the cat, do the twins' laundry, make my bed, and wash baby bowls and bottles*. Many nights she helps me put the twins down and will entertain one while I bathe the other. She'll stay until I get the Dynamo down - he usually goes to bed about thirty minutes before Sweet Potato - and then she goes home. I pay her one-third of what it would cost if I had them in daycare or had my other babysitter watching them instead.

She's a huge help. I'm really lucky to have her. I'm not sure I could afford childcare if I didn't have her.

That being said, she's starting to tick me off.

When I was pregnant and we discussed her babysitting the twins, I had a few concerns. Mainly they stemmed from my lack of experience with babies and from their to-be-determined temperaments. I wasn't sure how hard they would be to handle for one person both emotionally and physically. She wanted to watch them five days per week. She would quit her part-time job (she's 72 years-old, retired, and still working part-time at a supermarket) and work for me full-time. I knew I didn't want that. I wanted most of her time with the twins to be "Grandma time" - fun and not work. I wanted this for them and for her. I also feared she would undermine some of my decisions when it came to caring for them. Don't get me wrong - she raised three kids on her own and I value her experience. But Grandma has a strong personality. And she's (how do I say this nicely?) -not always open to other opinions. We discussed my concerns and settled on her babysitting a few days per week to start. If it was too much, we would adjust the schedule.

Up until recently, it's been really good. There have been some minor disagreements here and there but for the most part she has deferred to me when it came to baby decisions. And lucky for me, the twins are pretty easy going. With the exception of the Dynamo's witching hour phase during month three (note: earlier bedtime!), I think I've been pretty lucky.

The issues have been two biggies for infants: feeding and sleeping.

Feedings: Gram has gone with me to every well-child visit except one. At the last two visits, she's heard the pediatrician say, "Wait three to four days before introducing new foods." While I know this may not be necessary, I'm doing it. Especially with Sweet Potato's skin issues. Not only did she hear the doc say it, I would remind her -at breakfast. What would she do? Give them something new -for breakfast! when they just had something new the day before. When she would tell me what they ate and I would remind her of our chat, she would say she forgot. Or she misunderstood. I would repeat the conversation from the doctor and ask her if she understood (nicely, I swear) and she would get defensive (typical) and say something like, "Yes. I'm not an idiot." I let it go.

This week on Tuesday and Wednesday, the twins had a first time food - a combo jar of pears and raspberries with their cereal. Sweet Potato's eczema looked a little worse to me. I wondered out loud if the berries had something to do with it. Then I said we should wait to give them the apple-strawberry-banana mixed tub** for a few days because of the strawberries - they've never had them. What did she do yesterday? Take out the A-S-B mix for breakfast. Grrrr. I caught it before I left work and took out plain bananas. When I asked her about it she said thought she picked up bananas. I would have been okay with that until she added, "I didn't check." You didn't check? YOU DIDN'T CHECK? How can you not check?

Yesterday before breakfast Grandma was feeding Sweet Potato his morning bottle. She started to tell me a story and as she told it, pulled the bottle out of his mouth, never looking at him as she spoke. He began to move his arms and motion towards the bottle and squeak a little. I interrupted and pointed this out. She got pissed and stopped talking. She gave him back the bottle, which in all honesty, he was nearly done with, and when I asked her to continue her story she said, "Nevermind. It wasn't important." To which I replied, "They are always going to come first. I will interrupt you every time. That's not going to change." And it's not just story telling - it's the TV, the computer, the phone. She focuses on those things when I think she should be focusing on them. Does she neglect them? Never. Would Sweet Potato make it known if he was really hungry. You bet. I don't care. Pay attention to them.

Onto sleeping: The Dynamo is a great crib sleeper. Naps, nighttime, he's a fan of the crib. Momma is a fan of this! Sweet Potato? Not a fan of the crib. Before this week, I was getting up with Sweet Potato usually three times at night. Once before midnight and then twice before dawn. After a really rough night where he was up about every two hours, I decided enough was enough. Tuesday and Wednesday night I let him CIO***. And it's been working.

Naps in the crib were coming along with Sweet Potato not lasting as long as the Dynamo, but getting there. Naps in the cribs for both babies has been happening twice a day AT THE SAME TIME (Yay!) for a couple of weeks with a stray off day here and there. Yesterday Sweet Potato fell asleep in the swing. Grandma carried him upstairs, laid him in the crib where he woke up and began to fuss -typical Sweet Potato behavior. She thought he "looked pitiful" so she PICKED HIM UP and brought him back downstairs. Ugh. She told me this in an email. It's a good thing there were computers and miles between us. I wrote her back and told her if I have to let him cry at night (something she agrees with), she has to do it during the day. And that she would have been better off leaving him in the swing than laying him in the crib only to pick him up when he cries. I feel like she's undoing some of my hard work. And if you've done any type of CIO, you know it's hard work!

Fortunately for me, no damage was done. Sweet Potato fussed a little last night around 9 PM, I tried to give him a bottle which he refused (rare), he went back to sleep in the crib after a few cries and didn't make a peep until 5:15 this morning! I left him with his occasion chatter for about an hour. (Dynamo sleeps through Sweet Potato's cries every night. I am soooo lucky.)

Am I over-reacting? Probably. Part of the reason for this blog is that I get to vent, irrational or not, and get feedback from those who have been there. I know how lucky I am in so many ways but this could be just the tip of the iceberg as the twins grow up. I sure hope not.

*These things are an enormous help to me and she does them without me asking. That being said, it would be okay with me if she did fewer chores and played with the twins more.
** While I admit to purchasing the combo jar of pears and raspberries, the apple-strawberry-banana tubs came in a variety box of baby food. I'm going to purchase individual flavors for awhile so I can pick and choose.
***My version of CIO is letting them fuss and yell but not really cry. When they sound like they are crying enough to make tears, I go get them.

Bullets - because I'm a lazy chick.

2011-04-05T14:59:00.001-04:00

I've decided to be a little more private and stop using the little ones' real names here. It'll take me awhile to update old posts but from now on Baby A will be known as Sweet Potato and Baby B will be known as the Dynamo. Sweet Potato and the Dynamo: my little men. :)
The Dynamo (okay not the easiest name to type) and I had our first swim class last week. Class #2 is tonight. I think he enjoyed it. At the very least, he didn't hate it. He looked around the whole time and was very interested in watching the lifeguard. (Mommy was not as interested as the lifeguard looked to be about 12 years old. Come on Universe: you couldn't give me some hot college-aged guy to look at?) There were sing-a-longs in the class and I felt like a slacker being the only one who didn't know the lyrics. I mean if they could only sing "The Wheels On The Bus", I'd be golden.
We finally had some warmer weather this past week. I was able to get the twins outside! They had a stroller ride around the neighborhood and enjoyed some tummy time on a blanket in the back yard. They weren't as thrilled about these events as Mommy was. But then this was their first winter and is their first spring. They don't know any better.
Sweet Potato's eczema is getting harder to manage. The steroid ointment worked for a few days and then stopped working and then we would take a break from it and then try it again and it would work for a few days and then stop working. The pediatrician wrote a script for an emollient foam that my usually pretty-good insurance company would not cover because the FDA has deemed it "ineffective." Way to go, Doc. It's a two and a-half week wait to get in with the dermatologist and my poor little man can't stop scratching his face and head -especially at night. Loading up on Eucerin and Aquphor is helping a little. And he remains a pretty happy guy. I'm thankful for that.

Quit Your Bitchin'

2011-03-24T15:56:00.007-04:00

I thought of this post before last night. I swear. Because if I hadn't, after last night, I would have. Thought of it. Really.

I need to quit my bitching about sleep issues. I have it easy compared to so many. I am lucky! I need to shut it.

Last night my 6 month-olds slept through the night. Both of them. THROUGH the night. As in one slept nine hours and one slept ten. Without waking up. Once.

I've been catching up on some old blogs and reading some new ones, and joined a mommies message board to educate myself. I have come across many new moms who have suffered sleepless nights much worse than I have. I have not experienced the sleep troubles these families have. I cannot imagine going through some of the sleep troubles these families have! I know I would do it - I would have to - but I am so grateful I don't have to. At least right now.

I can't promise you'll never read another sleep issue post on this blog but hopefully if you do, it's a long time from now. I plan to try to whine a little less. I'm lucky!

To My Babies: Volume 2

2011-03-23T15:43:00.002-04:00

Thoughtful Sweet Potato,

Not only do you pull off your socks and put your toes in your mouth, now you try to get the whole foot in there! It's adorable to watch.

You still haven't mastered the whole rolling over thing but are starting to arch your back and lay on your side more and more on the play mat.

Our pediatrician has given the green light for whole Cheerios! Mommy doesn't have to bite them in half and you like them as well as the banana flavored Puffs. You'll eat Mum-Mums too but really, you could take them or leave them. Rice cereal has been mixed in with the oatmeal and you're okay with that. You're even okay now with the green veggies and will eat anything given to you without complaining although there is a not-so-happy face when you're fed a certain brand of pureed bananas.

We've been struggling a little with the night time sleeping but just this week, you're sleeping longer and waking up less! And you always wake up for the day with a big smile on your face.

Your latest cuteness trick is to kick your right leg over and over again wherever you are: in the high chair, in the crib, on the floor - "kick, kick, kick, kick!" And the doorway jumper is getting a work out too - you bounce away in it with a look of sheer joy on your face!

The Dynamo, my Little Lover,

You have so much energy and affection. You love kisses on your cheeks and open your mouth wide when you laugh - which is often. There's no guessing how you feel about something be it happy or sad.

You still sleep really well at night and don't mind your crib during the day for naps. Mommy always puts you down to sleep on your back and you're still flipping over to your tummy but usually you're okay with that and Mommy is too. Flipping you back over just wakes you up and ticks you off and you go back to your tummy anyway.

You like Cheerios and although you can't pick them up from the tray on your high chair, if a Cheerio is in your little hand, you'll try to get it in your mouth. Mum-Mums are a favorite and you have no problem holding them.

You like when Mommy dances around the kitchen and sings even though she doesn't always know the words and can't carry a tune. :)

To My Babies: Volume 1

2011-03-23T14:51:00.005-04:00

Written on March 3, 2011...

My Sweet Potato,

One of your favorite things to do is pull off your socks. It's rare to see you with both socks on. You've just started to put your toes in your mouth and love to have your legs free from pants or sleepers.

You don't mind being on your tummy for a short time but you haven't rolled over from tummy to back in a few months. I think you're just not interested - eh, what's the big deal? And rolling from back to front? Forgetaboutit. You will "move" around the floor though on both your belly and your back a little bit. If Mommy leaves the room and comes back, you're in a different spot!

You started solid foods at 4 1/2 months and while not a fan of rice cereal, you open your mouth wide for oatmeal. Your favorite puree is squash and you like carrots and applesauce too. And don't tell your pediatrician but you really like Cheerios even though Mommy only gives them to you in soft, tiny pieces. Green veggies are still a challenge and bananas are not your favorite.

You were a terrific sleeper at two and three months old but once the swaddle was abandoned because you were breaking free, your sleep patterns changed. You wake up usually three, sometimes four times throughout the night but Mommy got a rare treat a few nights ago when you only woke up once. While it doesn't happen every day, you make up for it with three hour naps usually in the swing; never napping that long in the crib.

You just started to really giggle and it's one of Mommy's favorite sounds! And you seem to always be "talking". Grandma is sure you will be the talker in the family.

My Dynamo,

You are my mover and shaker. Always straining your head, neck, body to see who's here, who's talking, what am I missing?, you never seem to sit still.

You didn't sleep well in the beginning and broke out of your swaddle early but now you are a great night time sleeper usually only waking up once and sometimes not at all. You went through a witching hour phase for a few weeks but once Mommy figured out you needed to go to bed earlier - the moment you start your evening fuss - the witching stopped.

Just this week, you figured out how to roll from your back to your belly in your crib! Once Mommy found you sleeping on your belly (and turned you back over) but the rest of the time you were awake and up on your elbows with no idea how to flip back (and not very happy about it!).

Your favorite thing to play in is the doorway jumper and the musical walker will cause you to squeal with delight! You love to hear your own voice and shake your arms and hands when you get really excited.

While you prefer a bottle to solid foods, you'll eat oatmeal but rice cereal causes the worst face ever. Mommy loves to watch you "chew" your mashed up Cheerio bites and you can hold your bottle all by yourself which is a huge help when you and your brother are hungry at the same time. You smile and laugh with your mouth wide open and I think childproofing is in Mommy's near future as you are starting to move around the play mat.

You are more aware of people around you and where you use to greet everyone with a big smile, now you study them for a minute first and make sure they are a worthy recipient of your toothless grin.

You've started to watch Mommy leave for work in the morning with a perplexed look on your face and when the sitter and Grandma leave at the end of the day, you watch them too.

Doing Better

2011-03-11T15:13:00.002-05:00

Thank you for the supportive comments. Yesterday was rough and it capped off several days/nights of roughness. Last night I was only up twice so today is a much better day. I also had a visit from Fabulous D and another friend last night for some much needed girlfriend time and that always helps my mood. And they both love to hold the twins which gave me a chance to sit at the table and eat a meal and drink a glass of wine!

When I post about how great my little family and I are doing, that night the kids are super fussy. When I post about a rough patch, THAT night they sleep. Go figure. Maybe I need to bombard my blog with downer posts to keep the pattern going? (I think not.)

I try to be positive as much as I can - even if it's just to convince myself. Like if I feel a cold coming on, I'll tell myself over and over again that I'm not getting sick and weirdly I don't get sick. Granted that doesn't always work - like on birth day when I was sure I was fine and the babies weren't coming yet. I figured a little monitoring, some pain meds and I'd be sent home. Not so much.

But I digress.

Again.

I know how lucky I am. I have healthy, happy babies! And supportive friends and family.

I declare this pity party over! :)

In other news....

I have a few blog posts brewing in my head that are actually about the twins. They have very distinct little personalities and I rarely write about them.
Their six month check up (at age 6 1/2 months) is next Friday. After that I will update their "Watch Me Grow" pages.
I've been researching swim classes. I'm considering either taking one baby for an 8-week session and then the other baby for the next 8-week session or trying to get someone to go with me so I can take them both. It may be easier to find a sitter for an hour or two than to get someone to get in the water with us. I need to find out if the chlorinated water is okay for Sweet Potato's skin and do some research on swim diapers and/or swim pants first. (Anyone have any tips? I'm considering these.)
Not only have I added to the twins' wardrobe recently thanks to great online sales and free shipping, I've added to their book collection too. In honor of Dr Seuss' birthday last week, I found a bunch of his books cheap. I'm pretty excited about this even if we don't get to really "reading" them for awhile.
Even though it usually takes me a week to adjust to daylight savings time every spring, I'm looking forward to it this year! It means more daylight hours with my babies and if I am able to keep their "schedule" the same, I can keep them awake a little bit later and maybe they'll sleep in a little bit later too. That would be nicer for everyone.

2011-03-10T15:34:00.002-05:00

I love when people tell me how great I am doing. It gives me a boost to get through the day. Or through the current crisis. Because as much as I blog relatively happy crap here, it's not all sunshine and roses. But then you probably guessed that.

Truth is - I'm tired. Sweet Potato has been waking up a lot at night. He's got eczema and he scratches his face and head. I'm not sure if he's waking up from the itching or from his tummy being upset or if he's teething. Or all three. Or something else.

I don't know and I hate not knowing. And I'm tired. And when he screams in my ear, it's hard. And I cry sometimes along with him. And then, you know, occassionally while this is going on, his twin brother will need something. Like food. And it becomes a double melt down. Or, if you include me, a triple melt down. Because, did I mention that I'm tired?

Before you think I wish I was not parenting single, while I wish I had help overnight, I'm not missing the dad-factor. Yet. Because if there was a dad-factor, I would likely have a whole different slew of issues. Knowing me. But maybe then I could afford to take a day off from work. And sleep. Or something.

But I digress.

I'm just tired.

The First Six Months

2011-03-03T15:23:00.007-05:00

So I have six month old babies. Me. I have babies. And they're six months old!! It's still weird for me to think that I have children. I had to pick up a prescription for Sweet Potato's eczema and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my son's prescription. Totally weird. (And by the way, his skin is so much better after only a few applications of the prescription.)

The past six months have turned my life upside down -in a good way. My priorities have completely changed, my spending habits have changed, my free time has changed, my work schedule has changed, my emotional state has changed! I don't see any of these changes as bad things.

In the past six months:

I haven't purchased an article of clothing, a shoe, a coat, a purse, even new lip gloss for myself. (I realize if I couldn't fit into my pre-pregnancy, pre-fertility treatment clothes and shoes, I wouldn't be able to say this.)
I spent more than half of the time not knowing what day of the week/month/season it was as it didn't really matter.
I learned how to bottle feed two newborns at the same time with one laying on my legs with my knees up and one cradled in my arms.
My knees and left arm ache on a regular basis now.
I used to go days without showering and now occasionally skip a day.
I experienced anxiety the first few times I was away from my boys.
I've found some great baby purchases on craigslist and sold my dusty treadmill.
I paid off my car loan.
I use a coupon organizer and BJs club membership. Budgeting is beyond important for me now.
I added discount/savings/coupon blogs to my reader.
I have bought and sold at a second hand children's store (including the activity gym the Dynamo is using here).
I opened a Target credit card to save 5% on purchases including Target brand baby formula. (Every little bit helps and I go through a lot of formula.)
I joined Amazon.com/Moms and save money on diapers.
I discovered new products like Oxiclean, Aquaphor and Mylicon.
I stopped using pacifiers, a wipes warmer, SwaddleMes and blanket sleepers. (They never really took to the pacis; the warmer doesn't fit on the changing table along with them anymore; they outgrew the sleepers!)
I watched my babies go from wearing preemie clothes to some size 12 months!
I have a land line telephone for the first time in ten years.
I haven't done any home improvement projects. (This will be short lived as child-proofing is in my near future.)
In a neighborhood I've lived in for less than a year, I've met new neighbors and watched some move away.
I've seen generosity towards my children that I did not expect.
I've watched my cousin and his wife raising their two year-old twins and learned some things not to do.
I've watched my friends with their children and learned some things TO do.
I've made some new blogging friends! And kept some old. :)
I've learned how to ask for help, even asking Fabulous D to bring me toilet paper. (She brought me wine and chocolate too.)
I haven't forgotten what it was like to be TTC. It makes me ache for my still-trying, still-waiting friends.
I've become even more emotional especially with stories about children.
I've made one baby trip to the emergency room. (All is well.)
I've skipped dinner more often than I've had it.
I haven't used my oven. (Grandma has.)
I've rarely stayed up past 8:30 PM.
I've rarely slept in past 7 AM.
I've allowed my house to be dusty or cluttered with visitors!
I stopped recording a soap opera I watched for decades. I hardly ever watch television.
I've changed my work schedule, forgoing a much needed pay increase.
I've raised six month-old twin boys with the help of family and friends! (I have been solo for overnights since month one with the exception of two or three nights.)

And.... most importantly.... I have not regretted taking this path to motherhood for one second.

It is by far the best thing I have ever done.

Because I just can't help myself...

2011-02-07T11:08:00.001-05:00

His squeals are something else! And the way he looks at the camera... he already knows how to ham it up.

"Hi Mommy!"

I wish I knew how to add music to my videos. I'm sure the song for this one would be something country. Yee Haw!

If we're friends on Facebook, sorry for the duplicate posts. And if we're not friends on FB, we should be!

Small Victories

2011-01-29T09:32:00.006-05:00

Are you getting sick of hearing about my long nights? Because I'm getting tired of talking about them but it is my life right now. At least today I have some good news to write about - I put both babies down in their cribs last night with very little (we're talking less than a minute) fussing! I think I'm slowly learning. I've been missing the window before they get too tired when I first put them down.

For the Dynamo, I hit it spot on last night at 6:40 PM. I've never seen him go down so well and I've never put him down so early. I had started a routine of reading a book before bed but I knew he was super tired so we skipped the book. He sleeps with his Fisher Price Seahorse and I have a Glomate Junior on in the nursery too. (They don't hold the Glomate yet but I keep it on the railing of the crib and it has a 15 minute timer which is awesome. They love to stare at it.)

Sweet Potato had a late afternoon nap - he was still sleeping when I got home from work at 5:30 - so he didn't go down until an hour after the Dynamo but I had the same luck with him - he fussed for about 30 seconds.

They both woke up for a bottle three hours after they went down and then again around 3 AM and 3:30. If you don't count the times before 11 PM (even though I went to bed at 8:30!), they only woke up once. I can't complain about that.

I do have another question though - my pediatrician told me at their two month check-up that at four months they would be sleeping ten hours. He told me at the four month check-up to let them CIO and if I had to, go in the basement with a pillow over my ears! He said once they are on solid foods, if they wake up a bunch of times during the night it is because of habit. The most I have let them cry is 15 minutes before I've gone to get them (really only the Dynamo) and that was only once*. He falls asleep usually within 10 minutes and I only do it when they first go down for the night or for daytime naps in the cribs**. The question is though - am I supposed to let them CIO in the middle of the night when they wake up? Because that is really where my problem has been. And they don't eat as much in the middle of the night. They guzzled about seven ounces before 11 PM but the 3 AM feedings were closer to four ounces. Am I supposed to wean them off that feeding? Or rather "those" feedings on the nights where they are awake more than once after midnight?

* On this night, I rocked the Dynamo in the dark in the nursery with a bottle and he fell asleep after drinking one and a-half ounces.
** The majority of the daytime naps still take place in the swings and bouncy seats but I've been bringing them up to their cribs during the day as much as possible.

Five

2011-01-25T09:18:00.000-05:00

The number of times I was up last night feeding a baby: five. :(

Update - Sleeping and Eating

2011-01-24T15:12:00.001-05:00

First of all, thank you for all the helpful comments on my sleep-seeking posts. And I LOVE hearing from lurkers!

I read the "Healthy Sleep Habits.." book when I was pregnant and then the babies came and... well? I pretty much forgot most of it. Especially because they were doing so well in month two. And in those early days, who had time to read! Hell, even now, who has time to read? :)

As for the naps, I am all for them. Really I am. I admit I did attempt to keep Sweet Potato awake in the middle of the day for a few days when his brother was awake to keep the pattern that had already started going but I have stopped doing that. My mom and I also questioned whether we should wake him one day at 4:30 PM so he would be ready for the nighttime routine but yesterday I let him sleep from 1 PM to 4:45 PM.

And he slept eight hours last night! (His brother woke up once around 4 AM.)

But back to the book. I dug it out Friday night and Saturday morning started implementing some of the techniques. The Dynamo fell asleep in his bouncy seat around 9 AM and I left him there but when Sweet Potato started getting sleepy about 10:30, I took him up to his crib. He fussed for a bit and then slept until 12:45 PM. That's the longest daytime nap in a crib yet. In the afternoon, each baby slept in his crib for about 45 minutes but not at the same time. (They sleep in the same room.) Yesterday I couldn't get them in the cribs without some serious fussing and couldn't get Sweet Potato to nap at all in the morning. When he fell asleep in the swing at 1 PM, I let him stay there as long as he wanted.

Last night I put them both down drowsy just before 8 PM. The Dynamo screamed. In the past when I've picked him up red-faced and screaming, he stopped so I knew that's what he wanted. He was bathed, fed and dry. It went on for ten agonizing minutes. And then it stopped. I was in shock. I hope I can be as strong tonight.

Regarding the feedings, cereal is still not a favorite of either baby but I *think* they're getting used to it. Sweet Potato had what I thought was a good amount of cereal last night, then an hour or so later had a 6 oz bottle and then at 10:30 had another 6 oz bottle. And this kid is usually not a big eater. Maybe food begets food? He slept eight hours and then took only 3 1/2 oz this morning.

Oh and we are on the Target brand formula! The Enfamil ran out late last week. I haven't noticed a change at all. We started the cereal with Enfamil and they were eating that for about ten days before I switched to Target brand. I only wish I had switched sooner.

Thanks for the tips and keep them coming! Stay tuned for more sleep adventures.

Sleep Seeking Part 3

2011-01-20T09:18:00.003-05:00

To continue where we left off, Baby A and Baby B were wonderfully sleeping through the night at about two and a-half months and a few weeks later started waking up again like they were fresh out of the hospital. This just so happened to coincide with my full-time return to work. Lucky for me I am a pretty good sleeper and even getting up a whole bunch of times throughout the night, I am able to go right back to sleep. Another bonus is just shy of the three month mark, I switched to the number 2 nipples and the feedings that used to take about forty minutes dropped to twenty.

Before I start to complain (cuz it's coming), let me say I am a lucky, lucky girl. I get to work from home two days per week (although that's ending soon) and I have full-time childcare in my home so I don't have to take the babies out in the dead of winter to daycare. My mom watches them three days per week and Fabulous D's mom watches them two days. Let me say it again: I am a lucky, lucky girl.

On the days when I work from home, I literally start my day fifteen minutes before I have to work. My office is in the basement and I am trying to win employee of the month while I'm home* so I barely head upstairs except to pee, get coffee, repeat. I get to play with the babies through my lunch hour and see them the minute my work day ends. This makes for a very happy momma. As much as I hate to leave them the mornings I go into the office (they are so happy in the mornings!), I like getting out of the house and seeing my co-workers.

Okay, so back to the sleeping -or in Sweet Potato's case, the no sleeping. We started cereal last week. It hasn't gone well -

He would much rather do this -

And the Dynamo prefers this -

I tried the rice for a few days and then the oatmeal and Grandma tried mixing the two together. The Dynamo will eat it but he's not happy about it and Sweet Potato will push the spoon away from his face in defiance. I've been mixing it in a bottle with the formula (still on Enfamil until it runs out), and cut a bigger hole in the nipples and that has been helping.

In fact, two nights ago the Dynamo slept nine and a-half hours straight!!

His brother did not.

But the Dynamo slept nine and a-half hours straight!!

His brother was awake every TWO hours. Sigh.

Last night the Dynamo woke up once and Sweet Potato woke up three times. Today, fortunately a work-from-home day, Momma is a tired mess.

When my mom saw me this morning she knew how the night was. She suggested cutting their naps shorter during the day** and I said with no emotion, "No naps. No more daytime naps. Ever." (kidding of course).

Then the Dynamo smiled with his mouth wide-open and I was suddenly awake and smiling too.

I plan to keep trying the cereal, first with a spoon and then in the bottle. It has to get better, right?

* I'm hoping if I kick-ass while working from home, my boss will let me keep doing it. It doesn't look promising though.
** The twins are not really on a schedule but usualy sleep for one and half to two and sometimes three hours in the morning around 9 AM and then one or two hours around 2 PM.

Baby Formula Question

2011-01-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

Does anyone use store brand baby formula and if so, have you switched from Enfamil to it and how did it go? The twins have been on Enfamil Gentlease pretty much since birth but I want to switch to something cheaper. They were put on Gentlease at the doctor's request to supplement breast milk when I was nursing. He said it was okay to take them off Gentlease now if I wanted to but I'm not sure what to switch to. I've read online that Target and Walmart brands have basically the same ingredients as the Gentlease.

I also got the green light (actually the yellow light, the recommendation is to wait) to start rice cereal and I'm almost out of the Gentlease so I'm also concerned with adding cereal to their diets at the same time as switching formula.

Advice from all my expert mom friends greatly appreciated! :)

And the short version from yesterday's checkup is all went well!

Sleep Seeking Part 2

2011-01-11T08:50:00.001-05:00

First off, thank you so much for the supportive comments! They truly help! So I wrote the sleep seeking post Saturday and that night my mom decided to spend the night. She stayed with me overnight for the first four weeks after the twins were born and has spent the night a handful of times since then but she's never taken care of the babies on her own at night before.

The original plan was not for her to take care of the babies on her own, or at all for the overnight (she decided the stay because it was snowy), but when Sweet Potato woke up at midnight and she happened to be awake she offered to take the baby monitor. Big mistake Grandma! I jumped at the chance to get more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep and I say that because although the twins were going about three hours at a time, they were on different schedules so I would be getting up about five times a night. (Sweet Potato up at 12:30 and 3:30; the Dynamo up at 1:30 and 4:30 = Momma up at 12:30, 1:30, 3:30, 4:30!)

I told Grandma my nightly nursery routine - no lights on, no talking except a few whispers, don't even change a diaper if you can help it. Basically hungry baby cries, make bottle in upstairs bathroom, feed baby by nightlight in the nursery, burp baby (if possible), put baby back in crib, sleep! This works for me and amazingly the babies don't usually wake each other up. (I change a diaper at least once during the night though.)

Well Grandma is a very light sleeper. And a bad sleeper meaning when she wakes up in the middle of the night, she's up for hours. I am a good sleeper (fortunately) and can go right back to sleep after I've been up for a twenty or thirty minute feeding.

Grandma was up ALL NIGHT. Momma got six and a-half straight hours of sleep!

When I got up at 7 AM, it was only after she brought the monitor back in my room for the Dynamo because she and Sweet Potato had been DOWNSTAIRS in the playroom since 5 AM. She was afraid Sweet Potato would wake up the Dynamo. She said to me, "those kids are noisy at night." Well, yeah, if you have the baby monitor by your head (which she did), you're going to hear them breathe, and chatter, and move a little bit in their cribs. And the cat was bugging her too but she said was too tired to get up and kick her out of her room and close the door. Okay, daaaaaa. OH and the feedings? Not counting the midnight feeding I did, each baby was awake for a feeding ONCE. So she was up all night listening to them breath (and hum - Sweet Potato hums when he sleeps - so cute) and dealing with the cat who wanted to snuggle in her bed.

So Grandma was a cranky, tired mess on Sunday instead of Mommy and couldn't wait to go home. I felt really bad because I should have known better but my sleepy self was thrilled to have a night-time break. Of course she didn't listen to my routine and their feedings and naps (which are far from on schedule anyway) were really screwy on Sunday.

Sunday and Monday nights were a little bit better for me - I think I was only up three and four times.

Off to the pediatrician today! Wish me luck. Sleep Seeking Part 3 coming soon.

Desperately Seeking Sleep

2011-01-08T21:08:00.001-05:00

So when the twins were born, they were a little small and a little early and they slept A LOT. I was thinking this motherhood thing was pretty easy. As they got a little bit bigger, they stayed awake a little longer and we got to play! Such fun. At about two and a half months of age they were sleeping eight to ten straight hours at night! Ah, the good old days. Now, a little over four months old, I'm lucky if I get four hours at a time. And this time around the frequent wake up calls are hitting me harder. Perhaps I was still on a new baby high when they were newborns, waking every three hours, but now it's kicking my ass. It doesn't help that this past week was my first week back to work full-time.

It's odd to me how they are waking up so much now. I imagine they could be more hungry but they don't guzzle down their formula any faster and don't take full servings each time they wake up. We have our four month checkup next week so I hope I can get some answers and the green light to start rice cereal.

Times like this - when I am utterly exhausted - I wonder how on earth I am doing this. The truth is without the help of my friends and my mom, I wouldn't be. I feel like I'm barely functioning as a mother and imagine it getting worse as they get bigger. I'm weepy and snappish, have dark(er than usual) circles under my eyes and my hair is still falling out since their births nineteen weeks ago.

Then Sweet Potato smiles his crooked smile at me and the Dynamo squeals with delight.   And I'm not tired anymore. And the doubts are buried. For awhile.

* * * * *

One year ago I found out I was officially pregnant with a beta of 422 at 14dpiui! (You can read about it here.)

Who would have thought a year later I would have this....

Trying out the new highchairs!


"Dude, I was here first."

The Dynamo lovin' the Bumbo.

Sweet Potato asleep at the wheel.

As exhausted as I am, I wouldn't change a thing. :)

Happy New Year!

2010-12-26T10:18:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year! May 2011 bring you as much joy and happiness as 2010 has brought me...

Sweet Potato and the Dynamo, Christmas Day 2010

I'll be back to work full-time next week and will be in front of a computer on a regular basis which means more time to post! ;)

Mother's Guilt

2010-11-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

I was warned about mother's guilt. And I have it. Big time. Forget the guilt about spending too much time with the fussier twin and not enough with the other - that guilt is small potatoes compared to the other crappola rolling around in my head.

My guilt stems from jealousy.

What am I jealous of, you ask? Big families with lots of baby help? A little. Families with a mom AND a dad? Sure, a little bit. Just like I am a little jealous of happy couples out there when I couldn't find Mr. Right. It is what it is. I expected that.

No, the real jealousy - the envy causing most of my guilt - is of mothers who only have one baby! It's true. I see moms out shopping or taking a walk with a tiny one about the age of my twins and I am immediately JEALOUS. Look at her - she's so happy, she's smiling, laughing, she probably has it so easy - she only has ONE newborn. And she probably has a husband to help her. (I always throw that one in when I'm spewing jealousy.) Oh and would you look at that - she can fit the car seat on top of the shopping cart. Hell, she can actually USE a shopping cart. To put things in. Like groceries. Or treasures from Target. And she only has to worry about getting one baby to sleep at night. Or down for a nap. Or fed. Or bathed.

Then the guilt hits me. Hard. I have been blessed with TWO children when so many cannot have even one. My boys will always have each other; they have a sibling; they have a brother. I am lucky.

I have to keep reminding myself of that when I'm having a long day (or a long moment) and I wonder for a split second what it would be like with just one. Would I still be having that particular moment? Would it be so much easier? Would I actually be bored like my mother says?

After the jealous, guilty, what-if moments pass, I run to my babies and snuggle them up and kiss them all over. I AM lucky. And I know it.

On demand feeding?

2010-11-02T18:03:00.002-04:00

So I'm trying something new: During the day, I feed them every time they're hungry.

What this means is that they eat anywhere from two to three ounces of formula (they decide how much; I make at least 4 oz each) and then they're hungry again about two hours later, sometimes sooner. I'm thinking the moms out there reading this think I'm crazy. And I probably am but believe it or not, this has helped calm our daytime routine. They split their time playing with mommy or sleeping between feedings.

I was holding them off for at least three hours but then they would all of a sudden be really hungry and - really hungry at the same time. When I don't have help, this routine is tough. Crying, hungry babies while I scramble to have bottles ready and feed them both is not a happy scene. I end up propping one of them with the bottle and someone has to wait awhile to get burped. And I've always fed them as much as they will take. When they eat six ounces at one feeding, I know it will be awhile before they're hungry again. Unfortunately, they don't take six ounces at once very often whether it's been two hours or four since they ate last.

Lucky for me the night-time routine is pretty good. After I get them down (and the Dynamo is often fussy right before bed time - this started before the on demand feeding), they go anywhere from four to six hours before waking up! And they usually eat between four and six ounces at night. I'm still up about four times each night because they are on different schedules (up with K, two hours later - up with E, repeat), but it means I get one-on-one time with each baby without the other one interrupting.

And I have fat, happy babies! They are at least 10 pounds each now (I'll get an official weigh-in at tomorrow's two-month doctor's appointment) and they have chunked right up! I mean these kids have like five chins! See for yourself -

The Dynamo

Sweet Potato

I am curious your thoughts on our feeding routine. It's only temporary. And if you have some other suggestions, I'm open to them! Everything is trial and error for me.

Pictures

2010-10-20T13:37:00.003-04:00

The twins wanted to say hello to my bloggy friends!

Sweet Potato


The Dynamo

And, as if on cue, after I posted yesterday how I was managing, they both decided to be super fussy! Today is a better day so far. :)

Doing It

2010-10-19T08:48:00.001-04:00

It's early - Sweet Potato is still asleep in the nursery and the Dynamo is in the kitchen with me in his car seat. The house is quiet and times like these sometimes bring me back to what it was like before they were here. I would sit at this kitchen table, my pregnant self (I moved into this house when I was 5 months pregnant), and wonder how life would be when they came. Now that they're here, the house says "family" with rooms full of baby stuff and everything around me reflecting them. Whatever I wondered back then is no comparison to how it really is. And I mean that in a good way. My heart is full. All those cliches are true. There is no greater love.

Fabulous D calls me a calm mother. I think she's right but the twins have made it pretty easy so far. They've only in the past week or so started fussing at more than feeding times (and sometimes doing it simultaneously which is a bigger challenge) but so far, I'm managing. It's when I'm away from them that the anxiety sets in. I mean sure, I miss them but when I'm in the car or in the shower or some other brief time when we are apart, it's more than missing them - it's oh-my-god-I'm-responsible-for-these-two-little-lives.

Only recently has it hit me how my life has changed. I've been so focused on my routine and staying somewhat organized (my method of survival), that I haven't really taken the time to think about what I have accomplished. Sure, it took two years to get here (a blink of an eye in the IF world), and it wasn't easy, but holy crap, I'm a mother. And - I'm doing it. Who would've thought? I sure had my doubts. And I know it's early - they're only 7 weeks old - and the other shoe could drop at anytime. And I could lose my mind. But right now? Right now, so far, I'm freakin' doing it. Without pulling my hair out. Without large doses of alcohol. And no one is more surprised than me.

2010-10-04T11:51:00.002-04:00

So I have a lot to say (!) but not a lot of time to say it. I've been solo for over a week - my mom has been staying at her house - and I am surviving. The twins are thriving (in my expert opinion) and over 7 pounds now. They are getting more alert every day and have found their arms, legs and lungs! They are eating every three hours like clockwork and take about 30 minutes each to feed, burp, and change, which gives me about two hours between feedings to try to do things around the house (and sleep at night!). That is if they are not fussing. Today we broke out the baby carrier for the Dynamo who was just not happy until I put him in it -

He's still in it now which allows me to write this post as well as fold laundry, eat breakfast and use the bathroom! (seriously!)

In other news, battynurse sent me the most adorable baby blankets for the twins!! They are terrific and the whole family loves them, even kitty -

Thanks battynurse!!!

Thanks for all the support on my last post. I stopped breastfeeding altogether after I pumped for an hour and a half and produced ONE ounce. I knew then that I was done. I did feel a little sad about it but know I am doing what's best for me and my babies.

And just like that it's time for another feeding. Imagine that! :)

Breastfeeding Rules Broken

2010-09-21T19:18:00.003-04:00

So I broke the rules with breastfeeding. Well first the hospital broke the rules, we tried to get back on track, then I broke the rules.

As I mentioned in the birth story, the twins had to go to the Special Care Nursery for 48 hours after they were born. Not only did I not get to breastfeed them during that time, but they were bottle-fed formula. Once I was able to breastfeed in the hospital, I asked for a lactation consultant or a nurse to help me with every feeding. One of the LCs asked me why they were given a bottle and not cup fed in the SCN to which I had no answer for. Fortunately for me they still did breastfeed and once they made it to the regular nursery, the nurses brought them to my room every three hours for feedings. They would nurse a little and then had to have a formula supplement in order to put on weight. A few of the nurses had me tandem feeding them and were very excited when it worked but the reality was I was just laying there and the nurses were doing all the work. Once I was on my own, I could only focus on one baby at a time.

Since we've been home, I tried to nurse every three hours but still had to supplement every feeding per the pediatrician. I was never sure how much they were getting and they always fell asleep at the breast. I tried the tricks they showed me in the hospital to wake them up but once they were woke back up, they had trouble latching back on.

The first rule I broke was eliminating nursing at night. Once I moved to my bedroom from the family room and put the twins in their bassinets, it was too hard to get situated on my bed and nurse them without them getting frustrated fast. I know I should have tried harder but to keep my sanity, I switched to straight formula at night and try to nurse + formula supplement during the day. This cuts down the time it takes to feed them and makes for less angry babies at night. And, admittedly, I get more sleep at night too.

The twins are quite popular and we get a lot of visitors. Which I love but there are only a few I will nurse in front of. So I slowed down during the day too. Broken rule #2 (which is technically the same rule as #1 just more broken.)

I rented a hospital grade pump but haven't pumped as much as I should have. And it wasn't until I started pumping that I realized how little I was producing. Forty-five minutes on one breast with suction as high as it can go yields a little more than one ounce. I'm still pumping and storing at least twice a day and nurse during the day when I can and I'm going to try to pump more to see if the milk production improves. My OB, who is also a mother to twins told me basically the goal is to get them fed be it breast or bottle.

Broken rule #3 happened when I introduced the forbidden binky -or in my case, the Soothie. I was told during my breastfeeding class no pacifiers for at least four weeks and it would be better to never introduce them. The pediatrician said wait at least two weeks. I made it twelve days. The twins are not huge fans of the binky but it does soothe them occasionally.

I told myself I would try to breastfeed and if it didn't work out, that would be okay. The truth is I do feel a little bit guilty that I haven't worked harder at it. Mel wrote a great post yesterday that, along with the comments, has helped ease my guilt. I'll keep at it the best I can though. For now.

Little Men in Pants!

2010-09-19T21:47:00.001-04:00

After my super long birth story post, I thought I'd write this quickie with some pics. :)

I broke out a "newborn" outfit (they are getting bigger every day!) to celebrate the twins three-week birthday and my due date yesterday. This was the first time they wore pants! Too cute although Sweet Potato is not happy being forced to "sit" for a rare photo of both boys together.

The celebration included a walk around the neighborhood. They love the stroller!

The 3 Heathers, A.K.A. The Birth Story

2010-09-15T11:56:00.005-04:00

To share the birth story, I need to go back a few days before the big event. Without knowing it at the time, things started getting interesting on Tuesday, August 24^th after my NST, ultrasound and check-up. The doctor had me go to the lab with borderline pre-eclampsia symptoms – lots of fluid, protein in my urine, elevated blood pressure. I mentioned in an earlier post – Tuesday night was rough – nausea, unable to sleep and abdomen pain* no matter which way I moved. Tylenol seemed to help but I called in sick to work on Wednesday.

The doctor’s office called with my lab results Wednesday and I told them how I was feeling. Without saying much, the nurse said to come back in on Thursday for another BP check and more lab work. I wasn’t on the schedule, just stop in sometime in the morning like it was no big deal. When I got there, my BP was back to normal but the other symptoms were still there. One of the nurses said I looked like hell so they scrambled around to get me in with a doctor.

The doctor I saw wasn’t concerned at first; even said I could go back to work if I was up to it, until he flipped a page in my file: “Oh... no, you can’t go back to work. The best thing for you right now is rest. Your platelet counts are low (whatever that meant). You won’t be on the regular schedule anymore – we’ll call you after we get your lab results and probably have you back in on Monday for another check.

Friday’s call was more vague than Wednesday’s – the doctor wanted me to do a 24-hour urine collection on Sunday and come in Monday for a check-up. I never made it that far. Friday night was another Tuesday night – really rough and Tylenol wasn’t helping.

I just wanted to feel better so I held out until 8 AM on Saturday and called the doctor’s office. The weekend doctor on-call, Heather #1, called back and I asked her if there was a prescription she could write me that was a stronger than Tylenol. She ignored my question and suggested I come in to the hospital and get on the monitors. I told her about the next day’s urine collection and Monday’s check-up and she said by looking at my records she didn’t need a urine collection to know that I had “severe” pre-eclampsia, my platelets were dropping and something about my liver enzymes. She gave me more information in that five minute phone call than my doctor’s office had given me all week. Admittedly, I didn’t ask a lot of questions of them but I had no idea the seriousness of the situation.

I called Fabulous D and by 9:30 we were at the hospital. I had no idea I would be staying – I didn’t bring my hospital bag; I didn’t call my mom right away; I really thought I would go to Triage, listen to the heartbeats, get some medication and go home to rest. It wasn’t until they took me straight to a labor room and put me in a gown that I started to get it.

My first nurse was awesome - Heather #2, and she was the one to tell me I was staying put and there was a good chance these babies would be born soon. The babies were doing great, thank God, and throughout the day and night had strong heartbeats.

Heather #1, came in and explained everything that was happening. Besides the pre-eclampsia, I had HELLP Syndrome with a risk of having a seizure, would need to go on magnesium sulfate and my platelets were so low that there was a chance I would not be able to get pain medication through an epidural. If my blood didn’t clot properly, the risk of damage from the catheter to my spine was too great. It was either no pain management or go under general anesthesia and have a c-section. She said it was at the discretion of the anesthesiologist as to what level he would be comfortable with to insert the catheter.

My attitude for the entire pregnancy was to listen to the doctors advice, take it day-by-day and do whatever was necessary for the babies’ health but I’m no super-hero. I was not opposed to a c-section but wanted to be awake for it and Fabulous D would not be allowed to be in the operating room with me if I had to go under. I was sure this was punishment for not going to that damn breathing class and even said that out loud to Heather #2.

Heather #1 also explained to me over and over again that the best course of action for my condition was a vaginal delivery, “push, push, push!” A c-section would be too risky for excessive blood loss (or something like that). Great = vaginal delivery with the chance of zero pain medication. Luckily, my levels had not dropped that much since the last check and the anesthesiologist was comfortable with the catheter insertion for the epidural. My platelet count was at 101,000 (?) and he wanted to do it quickly before they dropped further. Shortly after the insertion, fluid began draining from the catheter so much that my sheets and gown were soaked. After determining that, no, it was not back sweat, there was concern it was spinal fluid leaking. It turned out to be fluid leaking from the edema.

Things relaxed a little until the cervical check. I had not had a cervical exam the entire pregnancy. And Heather #1 has short fingers. The check was the most painful thing I had experienced so far. My cervix was pointing down and Sweet Potato’s head was in the way. It was so bad that for the first time ever, Heather #1 had to get someone else to do it. She found a mid-wife with longer fingers and she was able to determine I was 1 centimeter dilated. I was induced and after a little while (really no idea how long), asked for the pain medicine through the epidural. The minute I asked, I began to feel pain – you know before the twenty or so minutes it would take to kick in after it was administered.

Everyone says you should feel at least one contraction. Got it, felt it, give me the drugs. Well they tried. At first, I was pain free but after a short while, it wore off. I sat up in bed at one point and felt a gush – my water broke on its own and both Heathers were very happy about this. For the next hour, I went from one centimeter to five and the epidural was barely managing my pain. Heather #1 had said she wanted me to feel no pain and to be able to push these babies out. Well I felt pain. The anesthesiologist tried four or five different medicines through the epidural – all of them wore off. The end result was that the contractions were shorter and I was only feeling them at the peak but I was sure feeling them. For someone who didn’t have HELLP Syndrome, they would re-do the epidural but my platelet counts were now in the 70,000 range so that was not an option.

Heather #1 was now suggesting nubain to “take the edge off”. I was starting to get frustrated with all the different medications and wanted some reassurance that this would help. She couldn’t promise anything but convinced me to try it. I’m not sure if it helped the pain but it sure made me loopy which would later piss me off.

While in one hour I went from one to five centimeters dilated, the next hour I stalled completely and didn’t progress even on pitocin. I kept feeling gushes and was told it was my water and normal and Heather #1 didn’t want to irritate the cervix with too many checks.

I’m not sure the order of events after this but I spiked a fever and when my cervix was checked again, it was discovered that I was not leaking fluid but bleeding. I was still out of if from the nubain and now Heather #1 was going into great detail about the importance of me delivering soon. All I could think at the time was that I was in pain and she was all push, push, push – how was I going to do that? After several minutes of her re-explaining her position (I think perhaps to convince herself?) the decision was made to do a c-section. I found out days later she was concerned with placental abruption.

The c-section was a breeze. They gave me a spinal since the epidural could not be “juiced up” and just before midnight on 8/28, my babies were delivered. Peeing. And crying. In fact, the Dynamo peed on my drape while they held him over it for me to see. When the catheter for the epidural was removed, they discovered it was not in the proper place which is why I felt the contractions.

Because of my fever, the boys had to go on antibiotics and stay in the Special Care Nursery for 48-hours. After my initial hour and a half recovery, I was wheeled into the nursery in my bed to see them and fell asleep next to their bassinets.

I had to stay on the magnesium sulfate, which the nurses called “nasty stuff”, for 48-hours and be checked every hour. Luckily, even though they were in the Special Care Nursery, the twins were able to visit me in my room for the first time late Sunday afternoon and “graduated” to the regular nursery Monday night at 1 AM.

My recovery after the births lasted four days and during that time, I had many different nurses. Each new shift brought on a new nurse, sometimes three nurses in one day, and only once did I have the same nurse twice - Heather #3.

Heather #3 was not warm and fuzzy. In fact, I found her to be a bit abrupt and well, a little mean. After the percoset they gave me made me feel ill, they switched it to vicodin and when I asked if it was okay for me to take that while breastfeeding, Heather #3 made a crack about no one giving me anything I couldn't take while breastfeeding. Okay, point taken. But I'm on multiple meds, just had major surgery and am a little loopy - give me a break. Not to mention, each nurse had to press on my uterus during their "checks" and while every other nurse was gentle in this painful pressing, Heather #3 pressed hard! Seriously, EVERY time. I mentioned it to one of the other nurses and she said something to Heather #3 which only made it more uncomfortable between us when she was assigned to me again.

To top it off, my boss had flowers delivered to me in the hospital which I never received and the florist confirmed that "Heather" signed for them! Do I think she stole my flowers? No. But it is suspicious,

All in all, my stay was okay. I'm recovering very well from the c-section and am back to my body weight before I started fertility treatments! I'm sure I'll gain more in the days to come - especially since I am back on carbs and sugar! - but I love the fact that I can wear regular clothes again!

*The ab pain I was feeling for the week or two before the births is one of the many symptoms I had from HELLP Syndrome. Makes me wonder why my doctors didn't look into that sooner and makes me very glad I called the office that Saturday morning.

Quick Post and Pictures

2010-09-06T20:44:00.001-04:00

I'm not ready to write the birth story but wanted to share some pictures and some details!

Things are going well so far. After five days in the hospital, I've had five nights at home with my little superstars and my mom's help. My original plan to keep them in their bassinets next to my bed hasn't worked out so the three of us are spending our evenings in the family room with them sleeping in the Pack N Play, swing, or bouncy seat and me sleeping on the sofa. It turned out to be easier to physically get up with them, nurse them, feed them a formula supplement (they dropped just under 5 pounds since the births) and change them from this one room that is open to the kitchen rather than gather all the supplies and do it all upstairs in my room and the nursery. I do miss my bed though so I will attempt the bassinets again soon - especially since I am feeling so much better physically and am more able to get in and out of bed now than I was five nights ago.

And I'm in love!! Athough I went through some unexpected complications for the births, the reward was so worth it!

Introducing:
Baby A, Known on this blog as Sweet Potato
Born 8/28/10 at 11:55 PM. 5 pounds, 3.6 ounces, 18.5 inches long.

Baby B, Known on this blog as the Dynamo.
Born 8/28/10 at 11:56 PM. 5 pounds, 1.6 ounces, 19 inches long.

Bliss

2010-09-01T22:13:00.000-04:00

Baby boys arrived at 37 weeks on 8/28 at 11:55 PM and 11:56 PM. Birth story to follow soon!

2010-08-28T15:17:00.000-04:00

Fabulous D and I are at the hospital! They induced me. These boys might make their appearance tonight. Lots more to say - will update when I can.

Sorta, Kinda Miserable

2010-08-26T09:40:00.000-04:00

Hello my bloggy friends!

We're still here - all 3 of us at 36w5d. Things were pretty good up until about Tuesday night after my multiple doctor appointments. I had a checkup, NST, and ultrasound. They found protein in my urine, my blood pressure was slightly elevated which is unheard of for me, and the fluid in my lower half caused the doctor to request blood work to check for pre-eclampsia. The NST was fine - no problems and I passed. The ultrasound was okay but Baby A's head is so low and she had a lot of trouble getting a measurement so it took forever and there was a ton of pressure on my belly. Both babies did gain weight from the last US two weeks ago but not as much. They have dropped to the twenty-something percentile from forty-seventh at the last scan. They are estimated at 5 lbs 10 oz and 5 lbs 13 oz and I actually lost one pound which is baffling to me.

Tuesday night was the roughest night for me so far. No matter what I did, I could not get comfortable enough to sleep and had nausea, night sweats and chills. My belly feels like this huge hard 12 lb rock. I stayed home from work yesterday and could barely eat anything. The doctor's office called early and requested I repeat the blook work today and come back in for another blood pressure check. I'm heading there shortly.

I really wanted to hold on until September. We'll see what happens!!

Time To Return The Preemie Clothes

2010-08-11T16:14:00.000-04:00

Well, maybe not just yet. I wouldn't want to jinx anything and I know babies can lose weight in the hospital after they are born BUT my little monsters? - already at 5 pounds each!! (Technically Baby A is 5 lbs 4 ounces and Baby B is 4 lbs 15 ounces.) I bought matching preemie outfits for the trip home from the hospital on the big day just in case they follow the norm of twins being born early and tiny. I already had some newborn outfits and honestly the difference between the two sizes looks enormous. The preemie outfits look like doll clothes! (boy dolls of course.) Even if they swim in the newborn outfits, they seem like better choices.

Everything else is going pretty well too. Both babies are now head down with Baby A pretty low and Baby B at a slight diagonal. The gestational diabetes has been under control with only a few hiccups and my doctor is so excited with my overall progress, I thought she was going to hug me at my check-up today.

The fluid in my legs, ankles and feet though is B.A.D., bad. Apparently no one is concerned but I miss my knee caps and ankle bones and my thighs and calves are pretty tender. I would say that's the worst of it at this point. No swelling in my hands or face. I'm still working and try to elevate my feet when I'm sitting at my desk.

I'm still at bi-monthly appointments but will switch to weekly after my next ultrasound and check-up on the 24th. I will be 36w3d at that point! That will also be my first non-stress test due to the diabetes. Looking forward to it and to finding out how much the boys are weighing then!

Nursery Pics and a Belly Shot

2010-08-09T19:22:00.000-04:00

34 wks! And blue toe-nail polish in honor of my boys. :)

Just Because

2010-08-04T14:29:00.000-04:00

My co-workers are so thoughtful! Look at what shopping on their lunch hour brought me and my boys-to-be....

End of July Already?

2010-07-28T11:58:00.000-04:00

So it must be getting close.... I think I am in denial. Am I really 8 months pregnant?!?! Did this really work; am I really going to be a mother?? Everyone else seems to think so - they started a pool at work to guess my due date, my labor coach, Fabulous D, sends me Texts when she's going to be out of the immediate area just to let me know but won't go more than a few hours away, and my cousin who is a police officer stopped over last night to make sure I had the car seat bases installed in my car correctly! The arrival is likely a few weeks away and I am so focused on getting things organized and done ahead of time, I can't answer the popular question I keep getting asked: Am I nervous? Or excited? I haven't taken the time to think about it!

This month has been a whirlwind with two amazing baby showers*, another baby class, putting together the nursery (which is not quite finished), washing and organizing baby clothes and linens, picking a pediatrician and a part-time day care, managing my gestational diabetes (which I am doing quite well by the way - so good in fact that I only have to test my blood twice per day instead of four times), and purchasing the items for my hospital bag although it is not yet packed. Phew! :)

I think once the nursery is complete, the hospital and babies' bags are actually packed and all my immediate-needs items are purchased and ready, I'll be able to actually relax and decide if I am excited or nervous. Today, I can't answer that question!

Thank you to my anonymous commenter for kicking me in the ass to get me to post. I know I should write more like I did when I was TTC. Where does the time go? And in case you're wondering, no first names yet. I have a few rolling around in my head but nothing definite.

*If anyone wants to see some pictures from my baby showers, email me and I will send you the links.

Names

2010-07-15T15:17:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling with coming up with baby names for these boys. I have a handful picked out for first name and a shorter list for middle names which was helped by this story:

A good friend and I were out to dinner (at a restaurant with their nutrition guide online so I could pick something diabetes friendly), and our waiter, who was quite chatty, was named Keenan. Hmmm, I thought. Keenan. Not bad. I asked Keenan what his middle name was and he said, "Paul." Then, out of the blue, our blue-eyed, 20-something year-old waiter outed with, "I was conceived by artificial insemination and the doctor's name was Paul." I almost fell out of the booth. What are the chances? And how cool was it that he shared that information like it was the neatest thing ever. (And it was!) I told him my boys-to-be were conceived the same way and he thought that was great.

The next morning I was still mulling over names and I remembered my mother speaking very fondly of her grandfather. When she was young, she used to spend summer vacations with her grandparents and help her grandfather pick strawberries. She adored him and when the boys would come around, he would say in an Italian accent, "Rosalia, go take a break. Go rest," to 'protect' her from the boys who found her so pretty. She loved her summers with her grandfather. It never occurred to me to ask her what her grandfather's first name was and if she had mentioned it in the past, I didn't remember so I sent her an email and asked her. This was her response: "Paul, son of Carmen and Petinella, who married Angelica, daughter of Genevieve and Carmen. They had five children, Genevieve, Pauline, Carmen, Pearl and Anthony. Just wanted to throw in a little history." *

Huh! There's that name again! And I adored my great aunt, Pauline, who was name after her father, Paul. I didn't share this with my mom so she can be surprised but I'm pretty sure Paul will be one of the middle names with my late grandfather, her father, Lewis, being the other's middle name. I think it's fate. :) Let's hope someone drops a bomb on me to help me pick some first names too.

In other news -

The gestational diabetes has been under control. So far, so good. I do my best to follow the diet and my blood sugar readings have only been elevated a few times. Everyone seems happy with that. I do miss my favorite pastas, pizzas and Friendly's Health Bar Sundae! but I'll survive without them.
I had another ultrasound yesterday and just found out I could have had a DVD of all my ultrasounds! There was this tiny sign where you check-in that said something about purchasing a DVD for one dollar. Damn. I would have loved the anatomy scan on DVD - it was a nice long appointment and they looked at everything. As it was, I did get a DVD of yesterday's scan and it's just okay. The boys are pretty big and crowded so the pictures aren't the best but I'll take what I can get. They are still measuring ahead and estimated to weigh around 3.5 pounds each. Baby A is head down and Baby B is cross-wise like they are making the letter T.
My work shower was last Saturday and my co-worker who hosted it at her house could honestly give Martha Stewart a run for her money. It was beautiful. Her house is right out of a magazine; the food was great and the gifts - the gifts! - were overwhelming. I was truly touched. The family/friends shower is this weekend and I'm really looking forward to it. Pictures from both showers to follow soon!!!

*last names removed.

I Gots Da Sugar

2010-06-26T11:00:00.001-04:00

First off I want to thank you for the supportive comments on my last post. You guys always come through for me in a big way. I teared up the first time I read them.

So, as the title indicates, I gots da sugar - gestational diabetes. I failed miserably on two out of the four blood pokes for the three-hour glucose test. My fasting level was good - below normal (73), next level was 205 (yikes), the level after that was 209 (double yikes!) and then the last level was back to normal (74).

I met with a nutritionist yesterday and got my diabetes monitoring kit. YAY - more needles! And four times a day! Yippee! Honestly, it's not that bad. Granted I've only been at it for a day but so far, so good. My problem apparently is processing food. We talked for an hour about carbs, I got a meal plan and chart of what foods have how many carbs. I've been a good soldier and all my self tests so far have been low except for one. I have to go back and meet with the nurse on Monday. I'm concerned about my boys and the effect this has had on them and hope they are and will be okay.

Besides changing my eating habits including eating three meals and three snacks per day, they want me to exercise after each meal. I've been trying to keep my feet up to reduce the Fred Flintstone ankles but I need to just ignore them I guess and get moving. I will do whatever they tell me if it means my boys will be healthy. Time will tell.

In other news, I am shopping this weekend for a dress for my baby showers! Pretty excited about that. I am having a small work shower in two weeks and then a only slightly bigger family/friends shower at Fabulous D's house in three weeks. I am buying one dress for both. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is not a fan of spending money on maternity clothes that will only be worn a short time.

One more thing - I have some left over injectible meds from my last cycle. Some expire this fall, some next spring. I was waiting until viability (24 weeks) to donate them (don't ask me why - not sure I would have endured another cycle - maybe it was the jinx factor). Anyway, the weeks got away from me since today I am 28 weeks and I meant to post something about them sooner. I was fortunate enough to have some prescription coverage and understand how incredibly expensive TTC can be for the less fertile. If you have an upcoming cycle and need injectible meds, send me an email with your protocol and I'll get back to you. The generosity of this community is so incredible - I'd like to pay it forward.

Down

2010-06-20T10:42:00.000-04:00

I knew it was going to happen. Eventually. I mean it had to, right? With all the hormones floating about and me just being me, the time had to come where I would feel down... sad... fearful. I've had what I think is a very good, if not great, pregnancy so far especially considering I'm carrying two. Early morning sickness which wasn't too bad, being tired and extra fluid don't strike me as that bad. I know many of you have had so much worse just TTC.

The sadness started Friday when I got the results of my glucose tolerance test: Elevated. Drat. Now I have to endure the 3-hour test. While the logical part of me knows this can just happen in pregnancy, I feel like I've let these boys down. I don't have a huge sweet tooth but I admit I don't always eat enough good foods and really haven't lately. I could have done better. I should have done better. I'm trying to do better now.

Here it is Sunday and I'm still feeling down thinking I've been irresponsible and lazy with my eating habits. Not to mention my prenatal vitamins sometimes make me feel nauseous so I haven't always been taking them. I might skip a day or two here and there if I'm already feeling a tinge of yuck before bedtime (which is when I take them.) Of course I am going to be diligent now; that's for sure.

Why does it take something like a blood test with the potential to be bad to get me to do the right thing?

In other news, I had "baby school" yesterday. My mom and I attended Child & Infant CPR in the morning and then Breastfeeding in the afternoon at the hospital where I will be delivering. Both classes were pretty good but mom was tired and I was down. I was snappish and she was ditzy. Not a great combination. I booked these classes months ago and asked her if she wanted to attend and she was thrilled at the time. Not only did she forget what time the first class started, she was shocked to hear it was "all day". I was clear - these were 3-hour classes with and hour break in between. Whatever. She gets like that when's she's tired - which is alot.... which scares me... a little. Then at lunch she makes a remark out of the blue like, "I'd like, if you will allow it, to show these boys a continuity of family." What the hell does that mean? (and yes, I said that much to her dismay). The boys immediate local family - Me and Her. She's going to be staying with me around the clock in the beginning and then watching the kids at least two days per week when I go back to work. They're going to have a "continuity of family" whether I want it or not - and I do want it. Her comment came from the fact that when my nieces were small, she thinks she wasn't allowed to spend as much time with them as she wanted (a story way too long to go into here). Still. "if you will allow it..." ? Give me a break.

I had hoped I would feel better today after eleven-ish hours of sleep and a relaxing day so far at my new home cleaning and organizing. Not so much yet. It doesn't help that this expanding belly gets in my way of doing things which frustrates me. (I am a bitch for complaining about this to you, my readers. I realize this and am sorry. It's where I'm at right now.) I'm starting (really? starting? duh) to wonder how I'm going to put baby furniture together and do even simple things that require me bending up and down like loading and unloading the dish washer, changing the cat box and even taking out the trash. And the 3rd trimester doesn't even start until next week.

And don't get me started about work. My boss is "not happy" with our relationship now since he pulled the plug on the idea of me working from home which I AM ALREADY doing. We've talked a bit more - he's nervous I'm going to quit, he nervous how things are going to go when I am on leave and recognizes that while I was gung-ho to help out from home while on maternity leave, I'm no longer willing. The worst part of the whole thing is the slap in the face I feel which makes me not like my job. And this is no time for me to not like my job. Time will tell I guess. I've started to research child care options in more detail lately. I really need an idea of costs to help plan what I'm going to do when I go back to work.

That's enough whining. Thanks for letting me vent. I suspect today is a crappy day for more than just me considering it's Father's Day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for all of us.

25 Weeks

2010-06-05T11:44:00.004-04:00

Today marks 25 weeks and while I daydreamed about caring for a baby and being pregnant, for some reason I did not imagine what it would be like to be in the second half of a pregnancy! Actually, all things considered, it's going pretty well. My ankles swell up like Fred Flintstone's, I pee ALL the time and am still tired but that's about it. Not too shabby! I am grateful for that.

On the work front, I had some bad news a few weeks ago. While I already work from home when necessary - some of it just because I want to be efficient, some of it because it's work that has to be done after hours - they are not going to let me work from home even one day per week when I return from leave. I am more hurt than anything else after the sixteen years of dedication and loyalty and the fact that I already do it and am already set up - no addition time or cost to them. My relationship with my boss has since taken a hit even though deep down I know it's the bigger boss' decision. She is an old fashioned, narrow minded, {insert nasty word here}. Their reason? - what if someone else asks to do it. Seriously? You say yes or you say no. It's a small company. There is no policy, they can do what they want. And there are only about three positions in the entire company where working from home would be an option. Ridiculous. Anyway, all the years of me helping out beyond my duties on weekends, vacations, holidays - Over. And I offered to help out as much as possible while on maternity leave. That's no longer an option for them either. The whole situation is pretty sad. Apparently they prefer a less dedicated employee with low morale in the office than one who feels appreciated and more rested working from home eight to sixteen hours per week.

But enough of that, my life is good and I am thankful! I love my new house and am starting to put the nursery together. I ordered this and love it -

I also found two bassinets at a "twin baby items" garage sale last weekend and have them already cleaned and set up next to my bed. Love them!

I hope all is well with all my readers - old and new! I love finding out that my story has reached a new person, a single-mother-by-choice wannabe or not - welcome! :) I am still reading your stories when I can and am hopeful for all of you.

Update!

2010-05-18T12:27:00.000-04:00

Hello friends! The three weeks since I last posted have been exhausting as I packed up my house and moved into a new one. I love my new place and love, love, love being closer to family and friends. I do get frustrated when I can't do as much as I would like, (I'm a hands on, amateur home improvement gal), but lucky for me, there isn't too much in the new house that was dreadfully in need of change. I will try to share some before and after pictures soon.

Baby news is uneventful - which is great. I had a second ultrasound since the anatomical one because they couldn't get all the pictures they wanted and they still couldn't get everything at the that scan. Bummer, I'll have to go back and see my boys again. ;) The pictures I did get from the second scan were better than the first, so I am sharing a couple below. As of last Thursday, both tikes were still measuring about one week ahead and weigh 1 lb, 1 ounce.

I've been feeling pretty good. I did go through a time where my energy level was at the lowest and it was the first few weeks of the second trimester. I was more tired then than I was in the first tri but I seem to be rebounding a bit now when I'm careful not to overdo it. My appetite is back to pre-pregnancy pretty much but some things still leave an after taste (which is horrid) and I'm still a little congested.

My baby showers are scheduled! So exciting. My co-worker (you know the one), is throwing me a work shower (and yes, I am going straight to hell for the unflattering things I posted about her), and Fabulous D and another friend are hosting the Family/Friends shower at Fabulous D's amazing house. I haven't registered yet but have started to create wish lists at Target.com and BabiesRUs.com. Am I the only one who is overwhelmed with all the crap at BRU? Seriously, there is so much stuff. A lot of it seems unnecessary to me and lucky for me, my cousin's wife (a mom of 15 month old twins) is going to help me register and weed out the needed items from the fluff.

My boss, who I like a lot, is starting to freak out a little bit about my leave and we have had many meetings about who will cover my work while I'm out. I'm the only one at my company who does what I do (I work in IT) and I think he thought we could pass my duties around the office. He's learning quickly that network and systems support are not easily shared among those with no background and that outside help is going to be needed. It hasn't been pretty and I was apologizing for it at the beginning of these talks but I have stopped doing that. I'm not sorry and after working here for sixteen years with no absences except for vacation, I will have no guilt. I've started a work diary of all the things I do and have an assignment of documenting who they should call for what when I'm out. That will be a lengthy project and it sure makes me busier now but I'll do it because I want things to go as smoothly as possible when I'm out. That being said, I know it will be what it will be and I will have enough other things to worry about!

OH one last thing before the pictures - while I've started to feel the boys move a bit, just this past week I've felt some kicks! At least I think they're kicks. So exciting. I'm loving that. What I'm not loving is trying to come up with baby names. I thought I had some picked out but now I'm not so sure. Choosing names is much harder than I thought it would be. Fun, but hard! :)

Halfway Mark! And will it be blue or pink or both?

2010-04-26T21:09:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am halfway through this pregnancy! My doctor said she won't let me go past 38 weeks so technically I am past halfway since I am 19w2d. It's such a surprise to me to have made it this far. Here's some proof and the only photo I have taken of myself throughout this pregnancy -

AND..... I had the anatomic scan today......

I'm having 2 BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mish Mash

2010-04-13T16:00:00.000-04:00

Dopplers - While I admit I am jealous when I read other blogs and the author has a Doppler and gets to hear that special sound whenever she wants to, I made the decision not to rent one. Besides the expense (I'm trying very hard to be frugal right now), the risk of not being able to find the heartbeats because I am inept, and then subsequently freaking out, is too much for me to imagine. The nice part for me is that my doctor told me I can stop in anytime for a heartbeat check in between appointments. It's not as convenient but it is a nice option for me. I've already taken her up on it once. Four weeks between appointments is too long!

Paranoia - Probably going hand-in-hand with my lack of a rented Doppler, my fear that something will go wrong is still present. As the weeks tick by, and I keep growing, and I still have symptoms, I do feel a little bit better but as Fabulous D once told me, "you won't stop being nervous until you hold that baby (or in my case, babies) in your arms." While my current goal is to get to week 24, viability!, once I can feel them moving around, I think I will be more reassured.

Speaking of Symptoms - all you newly pregnant chicks out there, don't freak out if you don't have symptoms. I know it's hard and even though I read that sometimes they come later, I still freaked out when I didn't have any. Especially with betas as high as mine. I started getting symptoms in week 9. It came on gradually and the worst symptom (which is still present) is the nasal congestion. That and the horrid taste in my mouth 24/7. Ick.

Losing Game - I jokingly got ticked off at my mother a few weeks ago when she said I was getting bigger and then this past weekend, she told me I looked great and no bigger than the last time she saw me. I replied with, "What? Do you think they're still growing??". She can't win. In my defense, when she said I was getting bigger, she was referring to my rear end! No one wants to hear that, pregnant or not.

Precious Cargo - I recently heard a story of a woman who became such a bitch during each of her pregnancies, it almost broke up her marriage. Her mood swings were a deciding factor for them to stop after two children. While I don't think I've been more hormonal than normal, I do find myself with a little road rage. Mostly it's me dropping F bombs in the car to the idiot across from me who thinks he has the right of way in an intersection when turning left and I'm going straight. Perhaps it's my instincts kicking in protecting the two extra people joining me in the drivers seat.

Education - I signed up for the Infant Care and Safety and Child CPR classes at the hospital. They will be in June and July and Grandma will be joining me. I'm looking forward to them. I'm also considering taking a multiples class at the neighboring big hospital as well. It's like a regular breathing and relaxation class with an added focus on multiple births. My cousins told me not to waste my time/money on this type of class if I plan on getting an epidural (which I do). Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Genders! - Yes, I am going to find out what I am having - (currently the top question I am getting). The big reveal is in less than two weeks!! I am excited to know but I am more excited to find out all is well. I have a regular OB appointment next week - or as I like to call it, a date with the Doppler. Then it will be seven long days to the anatomy scan on 4/26. I'll be sure to share the news!

Generosity

2010-04-10T12:42:00.001-04:00

I feel like I was living in the shadows before I started TTC and got far enough into a pregnancy where I could share my news. It's opened up a new world to me. I've seen generosity and compassion that I've never seen before. Not that it didn't exist - I think I was just not in a position in my life to see it.

When I was TTC and documenting my adventures online, I had no idea the people I would meet and the compassion I would feel from them. I read about others struggling to build their families too and how the online community responded and reached out to them the way they had reached out to me. It made me feel blessed to be part of this community. The mass outpouring of love was nothing I had witnessed before.

And now, as I am starting to show and my news is become widely known in my little world, I am overwhelmed with the generosity of those around me. Even people who I don't know, friends of friends, are offering to loan me much needed items such as cribs, a changing table, dresser, car seat and double stroller. I received my first baby gifts - two baby books to document their little lives even now as they are growing inside me all the way to age five. I am truly touched.

Here's my first donated item and my crazy kitty checking it out -

I think she approves! And lucky me, I was able to find the exact same car seat on CraigsList for baby #2. (Both seats were manufactured within the last three years.)

In other news, I am moving to a new home in a month! I am excited and freaked out at the same time but mostly excited. I love, love, love this house. It seems perfect for me and my new family-to-be.

Also thank you for the birthday wishes a few weeks back! With everything going on, I barely remembered I had a birthday but your wishes and my IRL friends made sure it didn't go by unnoticed.

I'm so feeling the love these days!!! :)

Co-Worker Tales

2010-03-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated about the co-worker in awhile and a few of her recent comments have reminded me of that. Those of you who have been following my journey (see old blog) for awhile, know of her thoughtless remarks on occasion.

The latest:

Nearly everyone at work knows my news now. I've actually enjoyed some of the comments from those who aren't as close to me and had no idea - "Did you do in-vitro?", "Twins? What are you thinking having two?!", "Do you know who the father is?" (this one actually came out better than that - it was after I said I used a donor). My favorites, "That's awesome! I am so thrilled for you.", "If you need anything at all, please let me know. I live near where you are moving and am happy to lend a hand!", "Motherhood is the greatest joy of all.", "You will be a great mom.", "Let me see what leftover baby stuff I have!", "I'll check out some garage sales for you!". And I just love the ear-to-ear grins on some of their faces. :)

And then there's the infamous co-worker: "You know where you're moving is a longer commute to work.", "When [so and so] finds out, expect a comment from him." Seriously, I know these things - is it necessary to say them out loud? Just why? My all time favorite is her embellishing. I gave her permission to tell her closest friends who I have met and who consist of one who had a small struggle getting pregnant and one who says she wants to be a mom but does nothing to make it happen -except complain. She shared my news and when one of them asked how many tries it took, she told them THREE. ??? I have no idea why she said this but it happened weeks ago and it continues to bug me. I actually said to her as she was re-telling the conversation, "Try eight. And four pregnancies." I'm proud of my journey so far and my struggle. I think it's important for people to know about perseverance. It's one of the many things with her I have to let go.

On the flip side, she has been very helpful to me at work - not letting me carry anything heavy, sweetly talking about when I find out the genders - and I feel like she is happy for me regardless of her insensitive remarks. She has even offered to shampoo the carpets for me in my new house with her carpet steamer. She will be very helpful, I know this. I just have to remind myself that it is in her nature to point out the negative even if it's not necessary.

Waiting

2010-03-22T21:01:00.001-04:00

You know what's almost as bad as waiting for beta results? (Almost!) Waiting to see if a stubborn seller will agree to your counter - to her counter - to your offer - on her house! Waiting for my realtor to call today with the yay or nay brought back some crazy anticipation memories. The good news? It looks like it's a go! Um, the seller's first counter offer was for the original list price of the house. Not a counter offer at all. She came to her senses and it looks like me and the babies will have a new house just minutes away from my mom and Fabulous D! Yippee!! My house sold in less than one week on the market which I was thrilled about. Moving day will probably be sometime in May. This year will go down in history as my craziest! And hopefully my best.

I heard the babies' heartbeats at a quick OB appointment last week and I think (I hope!) the nausea is starting to get better. Eating is still a challenge as far as finding things that are appealing and healthy. And unfortunately the exhaustion is still in full swing. I've told just about everyone now. It's been kind of hard to hide it as I already have a nice pouch. I've gotten a couple, "I thought you looked different!" and "I was going to ask if you got new bras!" Pretty funny!

Quick Post - Helloooooooooo

2010-03-12T16:47:00.001-05:00

To the anonymous commenter who kicked me in the ass, thank you! I know I have been a bad blogger. I'm so sorry. Between being totally swamped at work and completely exhausted and nauseous 24/7, I have not made the time to blog. I've tried to keep up with your blogs but my reader currently has 52 unread posts so I'm not doing too good a job at that either.

I have only good news to report! Besides the lovely symptoms keeping the anxiety levels down, my official NT scan results are in. My risk of downs went from 1/68 (based on my age only) to 1/1241. Trisomy risks are even lower. My next apt is this coming Thursday and I will discuss this with my doctor then but I am happy with these results.

The only other tidbit I failed to report with my last post is that my ultrasound tech for the NT scan not only knows Dr. Doogie, but was his high-school prom date! She got all batty eyed and blushy talking about him. Fabulous D thinks she considers him the one who got away. Small world! Oh and the 2nd trimester is knocking at the door! Yay!

1st Trimester Screening

2010-03-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

It's been more than a month since my last ultrasound! Today was the day! The screening went great. Babies are measuring 12w3d and 12w4d and I am technically 11w4d. Both heart rates were 163 and the ultrasound tech said everything looked great. I will get the official results in about a week. I'm exhausted so I'll write more tomorrow. In the mean time, enjoy a pic! :)

Going Public?

2010-02-26T12:45:00.002-05:00

Between the headache and symptoms (yay for symptoms!), I haven't been able to post. I've had a new blog post brewing in my head for more than a week and haven't been able to make time to write it until today.

So I am reconsidering my decision to share this blog with family and more friends. How on earth am I going to survive this journey if I can't vent to my blogging family about my IRL family?!

I'm certain this will not be the last post where I bitch about something my mother has done or hasn't done. I love her dearly and we do get along but her mouth.... and her actions....

See for yourself:

A few weeks ago -

     Mom: "So I told someone."

     Me: "Someone?"

     Mom: "M." (my oldest brother who I am pretty close to who I wanted to share this news with when I was ready.)

     Me: Dropped face. "Why?"

     Mom: "He was having a bad day and needed some good news. But I told him to act surprised when you tell him so don't let on that you know." Seriously, she's the parent in this relationship.

     Me: sarcastically, "Right. Keep the lie going."

My brother has an about-to-be thirteen year-old daughter who he tells everything to. She is all over Facebo.ok. I really didn't want her to know and say anything on FB before I am ready to go really public. Not to mention her mother is a kook and could put a negative spin on the situation just for kicks. I didn't want her and her little sister to be subject to that just yet. Not that MY reasons for not telling MY news matter to my mom.

A week later -

     Mom: "Oh I told C." (my other brother, who I am not as close with but still.)

     Me: "You just can't help yourself, can you?"

     Mom: "Well M. couldn't know something C. didnt' know!"

     Me: "And whose fault would that have been?"

Fast forward to last weekend and a family birthday party for my cousin's ten year-old daughter. I decide at the last minute to tell my uncles and cousins my news. Everyone seems geniunely happy and pleasantly surprised. One of them asks if my brothers (who both live far away) are excited. I say to ask my mom since she was the one who told them. A unanimous sigh came from them. They get it. They see it is my story to tell, not hers. Her remark, "Well they had a right to know." So she acts like she didn't do anything wrong but clearly knows she did since she told M. to pretend he didn't know. And seriously, I was 8 or 9 weeks when she told them. It wasn't like the entire family knew except them and I was about to pop.

We're going to brawl. I just know it. Not over this. This is done and I'm trying to get over it. It's just a reminder to me of what's likely to come. More of her choices about my life. Ugh.

I have some IRL friends I can vent to but I need to be able to bitch on my blog. So I will remain anonymous for now and re-publish all of my old blog posts.

In other news:

Crinone gel - done! Technically I could have been done last weekend - at 10 wks - but I had some left and was nervous about stopping it so I finished off what I had left. I'm still a little nervous but happy to be done with it!

I apologize again for not commenting as much lately. I am hoping in another few weeks I will feel better and get back to my old online self.

Wednesday is the 1st Trimester screening and the next peek at the babies. Can't wait. Fabulous D will be joining me. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. Wish me luck!!

Happy weekend!!

Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!

2010-02-17T16:45:00.003-05:00

I heard the babies' heartbeats today!! I've been on cloud 9 all afternoon!

Today's visit was the first with my new OB's office. I met with the nurse practitioner for about an hour going over my history and talking about future testing and visits and then she did a full exam (fun).

I had no idea she was going to try to listen for the heartbeats and it's probably a good idea she didn't tell me ahead of time because I wouldn't have been able to concentrate and answer all her questions if she had. She whipped out this little Doppler and before she could say, "it's pretty early so don't be surprised if we can't hear anything yet", I heard it. Fast and loud, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Even she said, "I didn't even have to go looking!" I asked if she was sure it wasn't mine and she took my pulse and repeated back a much slower, "Thump. Thump. Thump."

She moved the Doppler to the other side of my lower ab and had to search a little, but not much, for the second one. Sure enough, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! She was fairly certain it was the other baby and not the same baby we had just heard. I did not get the heart rate but she said it sounded fast like it should. I never even thought that hearing the heartbeats would be an option today at only 9w4d.

I also got a B6 injection in the butt cheek to try to help with the nausea. Still waiting for that to kick in. If it helps, I can go in every week for a shot. Nice to have that option. She gave me a prescription for prenatal vitamins and some samples. She said I could continue with the OTC ones I am taking but since I am also taking a DHA supplement and apparently need a stool softener (sorry for the TMI), this one prescription will have all that plus it's more folic acid than the OTCs.

That's today's update! Next up is the 1st Trimester screening on March 3. It's exactly two weeks away and I think I can hold out that long since I heard life today. I heard life today! :)

Bad Housekeeper, Bad Employee, Bad Blogger

2010-02-15T11:30:00.002-05:00

In exactly two days, I will be at my new OB's office meeting with the nurse practitioner. TWO days. While I had a similar appointment three months ago at my old OB's office, and have an idea of what to expect, I'm still anxious.

Will I like them? Will parking be a pain? Will they be running late? Will the appointment be really long? Will I be able to SCHEDULE AN ULTRASOUND SOON?!

That last one is the real kicker. Even though I'm happily feeling like crap, I'm still on pins and needles about what's actually going on in there.

Last Saturday marked 9 weeks. It brought back some bad memories of my last pregnancy at 9 weeks. It was the day I found out my baby had died. It was the day my baby was physically taken from me. As sad as it was back then and it was again on Saturday, I'm trying to hold on to the fact that this time things are different. From the new donor, to the higher betas, to the TWIN heartbearts, to their better early growth, to the way I feel. Things this time are different. I can only hope the end results are different too.

I've been a bad girl lately. My blogging comments have been fewer, my posts obviously have been fewer. Part of that is from a headache that is exacerbated from looking at the computer screen (which is a real bummer since I stare at one pretty much all day long for my job), and part of it is the lack of energy combined with my laziness. I'm behind in my housework which is not what you want when you are about to list your house for sale. And I can't focus at work. Mostly because my pending tasks are crap ones I don't really feel like doing. Bad employee.

I'm going to try to improve all these areas.

I'm sure the good news from Wednesday's OB appointment (please, please, please) that an ultrasound will be just around the corner, will help. Here's hoping.

UPDATE: Less than a minute after I published this post, I just got a cool work project. Yay! The distraction helps a ton.

Yuckity Yuck Yuck

2010-02-09T15:25:00.002-05:00

Definitely got my yuck on. It's reassuring. I know it's no guarantee but if I didn't feel like crap you would reading a paranoid, anxious, freak-out post instead of this one. (lucky you -in both cases!)

I've tried the wrist bands, saltines (ugh), peppermint candy, gatorade, and ice. Yep, I said ice. I haven't read that one anywhere but ice cubes are my friend. It seems the actual act of eating or drinking is the best thing to curb the yuck and sucking on ice cubes covers both of those things. The only bad thing is the cubes eventually melt so if I fill my aluminum water bottle with ice cubes in the morning, I don't have the luxury of still having them available in the afternoon. We have a freezer at work but it's jam packed with everything BUT ice trays.

As for the super tiredness I keep reading everyone momma-to-be has, I still am not sure I have that. I'm normally tired as it is and have always loved tons of sleep so I don't find anything that different now.

I'm patiently (yeah, right) counting the days until my first appointment with the nurse practitioner at the new OB's office - eight for those who want to play along.

In other news, I met with my realtor over the weekend! I'm pretty excited to go house hunting and hope the stress of the whole process isn't too bad. She's going to send me some listings and I'll choose some I like to walk through this weekend. I'm looking forward to that. I already told her I would be bringing snacks along for the visits. But no, I won't be bringing ice.

Nerves

2010-02-04T11:24:00.002-05:00

I made an appointment with a realtor for Saturday. And then I couldn't sleep last night. It's like I'm planning for this future that I'm still not sure I'll have.

Am I crazy?

Here's the thing - on the house front, IF things progress, I need to act now. The homebuyers tax credits are in play until the end of April and I don't want to be packing and unpacking when I'm walking like a penguin.

I keep moving forward as if this will work out and then when I've had time to think about it, freak out that all this planning will cause it to fall apart.

I am crazy.

Graduation

2010-02-02T15:35:00.000-05:00

Dr Doogie used words like 'gorgeous' and 'perfect' at my second viability scan today. Both babies are still measuring ahead of schedule - I am 7w3d but Baby A is measuring 7w4d and Baby B is measuring 7w6d. Heartbeats both look terrific. This is now the furthest along I have ever been.

Dare I say this is starting to sink in? Doogie gave me a "higher than 95% chance" both the babies would make it to delivery. Holy shit. He said he is so confident because of the way everything looks and how well they have grown in the last week. See for yourself -

It was bittersweet to leave SFC today. Dr Doogie even hugged me good-bye.

I called my new OB's office this afternoon and after some question as to whether she would accept a "local transfer from another OB", I'm in. My first appointment with the nurse practitioner is February 17th. That's more than two weeks away!!! Lucky for me, work is busy this month. Between that and the new house plans, I'm hoping the days will go by quickly.

Thank you so much for the great comments!! I think I am just now in shock because I haven't allowed myself to really believe this yet.

Decisions and Burps

2010-02-01T10:47:00.002-05:00

It's official. I got my yuck on! And I couldn't be happier. Actually, I physically could be a lot happier but since the yuck is helping my anxiety, I'll take it. I haven't tossed my cookies but feel slightly hung-over every day. And the burping! It is non-stop. The yuck starts after I've been up for a little bit and hangs on until bed time. I'm not hungry at all and have to force myself to eat which just makes me feel bloated. I am drinking water - mostly small sips - and the act of putting food or drink in my mouth even though I'm not hungry helps with the nausea.

In other news, I think I made a decision on the new doctor. Or at least I'm leaning. I've decided to start with Doctor #1 - the woman doctor who has the small practice. I like that it's a small practice and I like the hospital she delivers at. My only concern is the other hospital has the NICU. Ultrasounds are done at the hospital she delvers at which makes me happy - it is not done in the same office park as my current OB which is what I feared. I found this on her hospital's website and it helped -

If your pregnancy requires special care, our perinatologists—experts in the high-risk care—are on hand to consult with your physician. This on-site expertise includes ultrasound and other prenatal tests, so we can predict and prepare for every possible circumstance, even before your baby is born.

[Our hospital] is the only community hospital with on-site perinatologists and a central fetal monitoring system linked to specialists at nearby [Big hospital w/NICU]. The [Big hospital] team includes the area's only perinatologists and neonatologist who care for premature babies and newborns with special health needs. Our link with these specialists can often keep your baby with you in the Family Maternity Center's Special Care Nursery, instead of moving the baby to another unit for this specialized care.

At the very least, I will start with her and as the pregnancy progresses, if I feel strongly that I should be delivering at the hospital with the NICU, I can change docs at that time. My current OB delivers at this same hospital and had I not wanted a fresh start with a smaller practice, I would have stayed with her and probably not thought a thing about it. Having twins does change it up a little bit but it's still early on so for now, this is the plan. I hope I don't live to regret it.

In other, other news I think I will be house hunting soon! While I live very close to where I work, it's between twenty and thirty minutes from my mom and other local family and most of my friends. I need to be closer to them. It will be easier for me to get help when I need it. Not to mention, IF I have more than one baby, my tiny house is not ideal. Assuming all goes well at tomorrow's second viability scan, I will be emailing my realtor to get the ball rolling. Even if things take a turn for the worst (please no) later on, I'm ready to move anyway.

New OB. Seeking Advice.

2010-01-28T16:32:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned in my last post, I plan to switch OBs. While I like my current OB, she is part of a big practice and I haven't seen her personally in years. Not to mention the bad memories of the last time I was there. Like the new donor, I'd like new karma and a new start*.

Dr Doogie recommended two doctors. I've done some online research for both of them and they both rate very well.

Doctor #1 is part of a smaller practice - only three doctors - and she delivers at a hospital known for its great nurses and warm and friendly atmosphere. Her office is adjacent to that hospital and she can walk over to see admitted patients if she needs to. Fabulous D delivered her twins at this hospital and said it was a great experience. In case of complications she also can deliver at the big hospital five minutes away with the NICU.

Doctor #2 is part of a larger practice. His practice has three offices but he only works out of one. He delivers at the big hospital with the NICU. He has a partner who is a high-risk specialist and both doctors are excellent surgeons according to Doogie should I need a C-section. (Doctor #1 can do C-sections as well.) Doctor #2 is Doogie's family obstetrician and he joked that I would get special treatment if I mentioned his name.

Doctor #2 is in his early seventies with forty plus years of experience. Doctor #1 has been in practice for nearly twenty years. While I did not find bad reviews for either of these two doctors, I did find two bad reviews for the high-risk specialist who works with Doctor #2.

Ultrasounds for Doctor #1 are done in the same office park as my current OB. While I don't think it is the same exact office, I need to find out. If it is, I'm not using her. Maybe it's immature but I can't imagine walking through those doors again. I would if I had to but since I don't, it ain't happening.

Ultrasounds for Doctor #2 are done in his office. Convenient.

I did read that the appointment wait times can be long for Doctor #2 and his staff got four out of five stars while Doctor #1's staff got five out of five stars. If I was to deliver at Doctor #1's hospital without the NICU and the baby/ies needed to be transferred to the NICU at the other hospital, I would be separated from them while I was recovering.

Such decisions!! Any advice is greatly appreciated. Both offices and hospitals are not far from each other so locations are not really a concern. One is male, one female - again not a concern for me.

What would you do? I don't have a lot of time to go visit each office. Dr Doogie plans to send a letter to the doctor of my choice after my next appointment with him on Tuesday.

*This is all assuming this pregnancy moves forward. Yes, I'm trying to stay positive but the worry is still there in the back of my mind.

First Ultrasound

2010-01-26T16:08:00.000-05:00

What an amazing day I had yesterday! Fabulous D joined me at the scan and Dr Doogie did the deed. Have I mentioned how awesome he is? Truly. Anyway, I could barely look at the screen at first and it took about ten seconds (which seemed like hours) for Doogie to say anything but then he said everything looked great so I looked. Two beating hearts! He told me to hold my breath to see one of them but when we went back to take more pictures there was no mistaking it.

Of course I asked a hundred nervous questions: Is everything measuring okay? Are the heartbeats strong? Are you sure there's only two? Even when I wasn't rambling, he was completely reassuring and I never feel rushed when I meet with him. Baby A was measuring I think 6w4d and Baby B, 6w3d. He said the gestational sacs are the same size even though they look different in the pictures. AND he was pretty much ready to release me! Then he asked if I wanted to come in again next week for another scan and before he could finish his sentence, I said, "Yes please!" I know graduating from the RE is the goal but the thought of it doing it again scares me. He made sure even though he is not on scans next week to fit me into his schedule.

We spent a lot of time talking about my OB/Gyn and I think I am switching doctors. I like my doctor but she is in a large practice with many doctors and I haven't seen her personally in years. Not to mention when I think of walking through those doors again and especially the ultrasound office, I get knots in my stomach. I would be okay never going there again.

He gave me two OB names so I need to do my research. They deliver at two different hospitals and I am torn. I will probably be looking to my blogging friends for some advice on this but I will save that for my next post. :)

And now my babies' first ever pictures! (sorry for the poor quality) Doogie called Baby B very photogenic and said I could name Baby A Adam which happens to be his first name. Then he said Baby A will probably be a girl! HA.

Two!

2010-01-25T06:28:00.001-05:00

Two heartbeats! Both measuring a little ahead. Eeek! Details and pictures to follow later.

Still Here.

2010-01-22T09:50:00.002-05:00

Hello blogland! Yep, just me. Still here. Waiting. Wait... ing.

Tomorrow marks six weeks.

Monday is the big day -will there be two? one? none?

As for the sickness part, I think I can now say I have felt something late this week. Not quite sure what to call it - queasiness, nausea, or just plain ick. And since I am looking for it, I'm not completely convinced it isn't self induced. Boobs are still sore off and on. Appetite might be up, tiredness might be up. Anxiety definitely up.

Still trying to keep the positive attitude. That comes and goes too but for the most part, it's good. I am determined to be positive.

Happy weekend!

Less than 72 hours.....

Gulp

2010-01-13T10:03:00.001-05:00

Beta hCG today, 18dpIUI, = 3694!

The nurse called first to give me the news and schedule an ultrasound. THEN, about 40 minutes later, Dr Doogie himself called. He said he is very excited and joked that I am getting good at this. I replied, "Well, I've had a lot of practice!"

At first he said he thinks it is a strong singleton and then as he was reviewing my levels with me said, "Maybe there's two sacs in there!" I thought it was awesome that he called me. It was a great surprise.

Next up: ultrasound, 1/25.

Eeek! (there's that word again).

The (Baby) Elephant in the Room

2010-01-11T09:28:00.004-05:00

I know you're thinking it. I'm thinking it. The nurse said it. Gwinne said it. A beta as high as mine at 14dpIUI could mean 'more than one'. I've been up and down the Internet looking for others with betas as high/higher than mine. I've found very few. The few I have found were multiples. Not sure if you've noticed, but I'm single. One has always been the goal ("Me and BABY"). More than one has always been a possibility with IUI, but one has always been the goal. Two? Holy crap but I'll manage. More than two???!?!? Can't let my mind even go there!

Of the charts I found online, while some have me just barely squeaking in at the high end of normal singleton, another has me HIGHER than normal for twins.

Of course if recurrent pregnancy loss rears its ugly head, all bets are off.

I haven't lost that upbeat attitude I had Saturday. I swear I haven't. Just putting it out there. I know you're thinking it and I am too. Oh yeah, and the nurse just called with today's beta results. Ready? (I wasn't!)...

1287! Eeek. Testing again on Wednesday. Did I say eeek yet?

Bliss

2010-01-09T08:57:00.001-05:00

Beta results are in and I am officially pregnant! (Yes, I said the p-word.) There really wasn't a doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have a positive result today with this lineup of pee sticks -

Here I am, fourth pregnancy in less than a year, and suffering from mixed emotions. I could talk again about my fears. It's not like they aren't still there. I could play it safe like last time, refusing to say the p-word too early. But did doing that make it hurt any less when I lost that baby? Nope. So really what's the point in suppressing my joy and trying to convince myself that it's just another Saturday? I think I will embrace this pregnancy and continue with the new year, new attitude.

I know there are no guarantees and my dreams could be shattered again tomorrow. I'm not saying I won't be petrified for the next betas to come and, if I make it that far, future ultrasounds. I will be. I will also try to remember how I am feeling at this very moment: excited. And blissful.

Today's beta at 14dpIUI = 422! (not a typo)

It's a good thing I skipped the Dramamine.

2010-01-06T11:21:00.001-05:00

It was hard to come back to work today after my vacation but seeing this helped. I know it's early at only 11dpIUI and I know a million things can go wrong, but today I am happy! Blood test is Saturday.

So I'm a little late...

2010-01-03T17:22:00.000-05:00

No, not late for that - not yet anyway. I'm late in wishing everyone a happy new year!

I've been on vacation celebrating the new year (or in my case, the END of 2009) with friends. And, since I'm in the 2ww, this was the first time flying where I haven't taken pills for motion sickness in about 20 years. I'm happy to report natural remedies do work!

I've been trying to read your blogs as time allows and commenting (as well as posting) has been difficult from my mobile phone. I will be back to my online self in a few days after I leave these warm, sunny temperatures and return to the blizzard like conditons my hometown is currently enduring. *sigh*

I'm not sure if it's from the time spent with good friends, the time off from work, my new donor, or the effects of sunshine from spending lots of time outside when I normally can't in January, but I have renewed hope for 2010. And it's hope for all of us.

Happy New Year!